Endless Night

“That’s heavy.”

Almost heavier than he could bear sometimes. He was saved from further questions by Skip’s arrival on the snowmobile, headlights blazing through the gloom. Jackie pulled up a moment after him. Swallowing his emotion, Roman helped Fallon down and Skip enfolded her in a hug. She remained stiff in his arms, but Roman thought he could see tenderness on her face, a sliver of the innocent child she had been. Jackie stood apart.

What was she thinking? He wondered again why she had come back to a place that obviously held such pain for her, for them both.

Skip shook Roman’s hand vigorously and hugged him. “How can I thank you?”

“A hot meal sometime would do it.”

“You are welcome at our table any day. June has all kinds of savories and sweets in the works for Winterfest.” He smiled at Jackie. “Can you put Roman on your machine?”

Roman didn’t wait to see the uncomfortable look on her face. “No need. I’m staying with the plane.”

Skip blinked. “You’ll freeze out here.”

“I’ve got gear. I’ll radio Wayne and let him know.”

Skip shook his head. “I don’t think so. We’re going to get snow tonight. It’s too dangerous.”

Jackie continued to look at him with expressionless eyes. “You can ride with me if you need to.”

The offer was kind but the tone was not. It was just as cold as the breathtakingly icy air around them. “I appreciate your concern, but this bird is my responsibility and I’m not leaving her. I’m prepared. I’ll survive until morning and I’ve got a radio and sat phone if I need to bail out. I’m staying.”

With a sigh, Skip shook his hand once more and helped Fallon onto his snowmobile. Jackie followed Skip without a backward glance. She tried to start her snowmobile but the engine would not turn over. After several minutes of useless trying from all of them, Skip put his hands on his hips. “Well, I’ll have to make two trips.” He shot a glance from Jackie to Roman. “Jackie, can you stay here while I take Fallon back, and then I’ll come for you?”

Jackie looked as though she’d been sentenced to prison. Roman saw her take a breath before she answered. “Of course.”

Skip and Fallon headed off into the dark.

Roman cleared his throat. “Let’s sit in the plane. Warmer there.”

He thought she would refuse, but the steadily dropping temperature must have convinced her because she climbed in the passenger-side door. They sat for a moment in silence before she spoke, her voice oddly flat.

“This place hasn’t changed at all. It looks exactly the same as the first time I saw it. I was just a college kid. Danny was a freshman in high school.”

He nodded. “No, not really. Still plenty of wide open spaces.” But it had changed, profoundly. The woman who used to be the center of his world, the first thing he thought of every morning and the last thing before sleep claimed him at night could barely look at him. Fixed in his mind was the time when Jackie’s father, an engineer on the pipeline, had brought his family to spend nearly the entire year in Alaska. Each season he’d shown Jackie the wonders of this isolated place, and each day had brought them closer together.

He remembered when they had built a series of snow igloos and invited all their friends to camp out under the stars. Was it his imagination or had the stars now lost some of their luster? He felt Jackie’s eyes on him and shifted. “Just thinking about our snow igloos. Remember that?”

For a moment, the spark shone in her eyes again, a smile lit her face that took his breath away. Then it disappeared. “I remember.” Her tone was so low he almost didn’t catch it. “I remember. Danny talked about it all the time.”

“Yeah.” He wanted to take her hands in his, to tell her again how deeply sorry he was. He knew she could never love him again, but he wanted desperately to bring back to life the warm and ebullient woman she had been, the woman who sang Broadway show tunes at every opportunity and cried at the sight of an injured animal. “Jackie, I…” Words failed him.

She looked at him, waiting for him to finish. When he didn’t, she let out a little sigh and steered them back onto safe ground. “I forgot how dark it gets here.”

“Sure does.”

She shivered and he offered her a blanket. She took it and he helped her tuck it in around her shoulders, his fingers tingling where they accidentally brushed against hers. She started to say something, then stopped. They sank into heavy silence.

The distance that grew between them in that moment might have been wider than the sprawling Alaskan wilderness. A twist of pain lanced through him as he recalled bittersweet memories.

Oddly it was a moment in San Francisco that crystallized his future in Alaska. He’d had to content himself with Jackie’s periodic visits, until her father had a stroke that left him unable to travel. Roman had hoarded every last penny and flown to San Francisco to see her that year. On one fog-shrouded night, she’d said the words that made him sure their lives would be intertwined forever. “I feel like Alaska is my real home,” she’d said. That’s when he’d decided to ask her to marry him as soon as her father was well. He’d flown home and begun counting the days until her return.

Thinking about the joy he’d felt numbed him inside

It seemed like an eternity before Skip appeared to retrieve Jackie and they motored across the snow. When the sound of the snowmobile engine died away, Roman radioed Wayne and calmly accepted a vigorous tongue-lashing.

Before he bunked in for the night, Roman ventured once more into the ink-dark night. The sight never failed to take his breath away. A cathedral of achingly brilliant stars shone between the clouds without the interference of city lights. He felt as if he could reach up and touch one of the dazzling gems.

Wish on a star, his mother had told him when he was a boy.

As the cold closed in around him he knew that there was no point in childish wishing. What his heart had once desired might as well be as far away as those perfect stars. Worst of all, he was grateful for the distance.

THREE

Jackie’s mind raced as she and Skip headed back to the lodge. She fought against shivers that had started the moment she had sat next to Roman in that cockpit. His nearness had unnerved her. She flashed back to her impulsive brother, riding off a snowy ridge and cracking his collarbone. He’d had his arm in a sling just before the accident that had taken his life. Ironic that it had been Roman at the wheel that night, not her reckless brother. Remember that, Jackie. She swallowed hard as Skip parked the snowmobile and they made their way toward the comfortable living room of the Delucchi Lodge.

Fallon sat on a couch, still wearing her jacket. Jackie could tell by the stiff set of her shoulders that the girl was upset. Jackie remembered Fallon as a moody teen, smitten with her handsome brother, but hadn’t there been something else? At the end, before Jackie’s brother died, there had been some anger, some unusual explosiveness in the girl. At the time, she’d attributed it to teen angst, but now as she looked at her, she wondered if she had missed something.

“Oh, sweetie,” June said, entering the room. She smiled at Jackie before catching her daughter’s hands. “I still can’t believe you were out there all alone. That gives me goose bumps.”

Fallon pulled her hands away. “I’ve already told you I’m fine, Mom. You don’t have to get all crazy about it again.”

June shot Jackie a rueful look and left when a timer sounded in the kitchen.

After repelling any attempts at conversation, Fallon sat on the couch, water droplets sparkling on her straight brown hair. She kept her gaze fastened to the window. Sounds of June washing dishes floated into the cozy space over the crackle of a fire in the old stone hearth. In the adjoining room, a newly married couple sipped from mugs as they cuddled together on a love seat with reindeer-horn armrests. Skip was tending to the snowmobiles and somewhere, out in the endless night, was Roman.

Roman. Even his name brought to life a storm of emotion inside her. It was no longer the feeling she’d nursed since she was a teen, the all-consuming love for him that grew every time she came to stay. Now it had changed into something else, twisted by anger, misshapen by grief, but still with an undercurrent of longing that she could not explain. With a sigh, she rose to warm her hands by the fire.

Fallon’s voice startled her. “Was your dad here when they built this place?”

“The lodge? No. Why do you ask?”

“I just wondered who helped, is all. I heard they hired some people who were in town for the summer to build the cabins. Gave them room and board and some stayed on awhile after to be on staff here. I wasn’t born then.”

Jackie looked at her quizzically. “I’m sure they did. When we came the first time, it was just your parents and a housekeeper, Dax and another man, I think.”

The girl’s eyes seemed to blaze with reflected firelight. “So why did you come back now?”

Jackie kept her tone light. “I needed to get away.”

“From what?”

She looked at the fire. “Things at work were stressful. I wanted a change of scenery.”

“That’s weird.”

“What?”