His Christmas Redemption

She was rusty at this parenting thing. Being an aunt was so much easier.

Even though they’d all been living in this house together after moving here a year and a half ago, and before that, crammed into Nicole’s tiny apartment when Erin had left Lance two years ago, they had been an extended family for as long as Ryan had been alive. Erin tried just to be the boys’ aunt and not their mom. This whole conversation felt like a mom discussion, but Leah was on her honeymoon.

So she took a deep breath and prayed that she was using the right words, especially since she could feel Lance’s eyes boring into her, demanding that she answer not just for Ryan, but for him. He hadn’t wanted the divorce, and it was clear, from his presence, he still didn’t understand. But how were you supposed to keep explaining that you couldn’t handle being blamed for your daughter’s death? Or that he’d been too emotionally unavailable to work through their shared grief together? And why would he want to remain married to her, believing that about her?

Erin hugged Ryan close to her. “You’re right. People should try to work out their problems. Lance and I tried very hard to do so, but unfortunately it didn’t work.”

She didn’t look at Lance as she spoke the words, knowing it would probably just set him off. He didn’t want to hear about her pain, but he’d needed someone to blame and be angry at. That’s what their counselor had said.

Lance didn’t seem angry now, though. Just...lost.

Erin wasn’t sure she was the right person to help him find his way again.

Thinking about that time gave her an idea as to how to explain it to Ryan, though. “You remember how you guys went to a counselor when we first came here? Then again, once your mom and Shane decided to get married? Sometimes counselors help you fix things, but sometimes they show you things are too broken to be fixed.”

Lance made a strangled noise and Erin looked up to see the sadness in his eyes. He’d stormed out of so many of their counseling sessions. Did he understand just how much of that contributed to the breakdown of their marriage?

It didn’t matter. They were divorced now and whatever peace Lance was looking for, she hoped he found it. Even if she wasn’t part of that solution.

However her words seemed to resonate with Ryan, who nodded. “I didn’t know they did that. Does this mean he can’t play with me?”

She looked over at Lance, who seemed extremely uncomfortable. After Lily’s death, he couldn’t stand being around Ryan, who had spent so much time with them. When things were really bad with Jason, Leah’s late husband, Leah would often leave the boys with Erin. In some ways, Ryan and Lily had been like brother and sister.

“I’m not sure if he knows how to play your games,” Erin said. “Besides, we have to finish making and putting up our Christmas decorations.” Hopefully it would give Lance a way out without looking or feeling like a jerk.

“He could help,” Ryan offered.

Given that Erin and her sisters used to jokingly call Lance “the Grinch” because of how he’d make fun of all their Christmas merriment and holiday décor everywhere, asking him to help would probably be the quickest way to get rid of him.

“That’s a great idea,” Erin said, looking over at Lance. “We haven’t gotten the outside lights up yet, and I was wondering how I’d do that all by myself.”

Was it wrong of her to get a sick thrill at the look of horror on his face?

As his brow furrowed, she couldn’t help smiling. Lance was as good as gone.

Not that she necessarily had anything against him. But what did they have to say to one another anymore? He’d made it clear he didn’t want to sell the house.

“I guess I could lend a hand,” Lance finally said, sounding like he’d rather have all his toenails pulled out one by one.

Whatever this making peace business was about, it had to be big.

“Great,” Erin said, gesturing to a large box in the hall. “If you don’t mind carrying that outside, I’ll grab a ladder.”

When she returned to the front porch, carrying the ladder, Lance had already opened the box of lights and was looking through them.

“You’re going to need to test them,” he said.

“Already did that during our Christmas movie marathon over Thanksgiving.”

Lance groaned and Erin grinned. Most families were into football games and parades, but Erin and her sisters hated sports, so they’d created their own tradition by watching their favorite Christmas movies. This year their tradition had been slightly abbreviated since they’d been busy with wedding preparations for her sisters’ early December wedding.

All their decorating energy had been poured into the wedding and they hadn’t had time to get to the house.

That left the job to Erin. She was hoping that by the time her sisters got back from their respective honeymoons in two weeks, the entire place would be transformed into a Christmas wonderland.

As Erin got the ladder situated on the corner of the porch, she couldn’t help smiling as she pictured their faces at seeing how Erin had made it their best yet. They’d had so many terrible Christmases over the past few years, with Erin’s tragedy and the troubles of Leah’s previous marriage. Prior to that, growing up under the iron fist of their father, the Colonel—a man who made Scrooge look like a humanitarian—Christmas hadn’t been a joyous occasion in their home. She and her sisters had always promised each other that when they were finally on their own, and had the means to do so, they were going to have the most amazing Christmases ever.

Last year, things had looked like they were going to finally work out for them after all their tragedies. But Erin had gotten sick, and many of their plans had fallen through. This year Erin was determined. After all these years of waiting, her family would finally have the perfect Christmas they’d always dreamed of. She’d put together a whole binder for the family’s perfect Christmas, listing everything they were going to do to celebrate the holiday. She and the boys had spent all afternoon making more decorations, and while they may not be like the ones people bought in stores, her sisters would love knowing how the boys had helped.

She gestured to the string of lights Lance had started unwinding. “Can you hand me that one? And the stapler that’s in the box?”

As he handed them to her, he said, “You want me to do that? I used to always...”

He used to always be the one to hang the lights. And at some point during the process, he’d grumpily tell her that she was using more than she had the previous year and that it was a good thing he loved her. They’d end up laughing and kissing, and even though he hated her decorations, it had made her feel so loved that he’d indulged her anyway.

“I learned how to do it myself,” she said, taking the stapler in one hand and the lights in the other.

The pain in his eyes told her that he remembered their past, too.

Maybe whatever peace he had to make with her would be good for them both. She’d thought she was over him. After all their conversations once they decided to divorce, she’d thought about how good it was that they were divorced because they could never agree on anything.

But the thing was, even when they’d disagreed during their marriage, they’d often found ways to compromise, making sure the other person had what they needed. Somehow they’d lost that.

As Erin attached the lights to the edge of the roof, she wondered how she could convince Lance to understand that selling the house wasn’t about forgetting their daughter. It hadn’t meant anything to him while she was alive, so why did he have to put so much importance on it now?

Sometimes she thought it was his way of punishing her for Lily’s death. He blamed Erin and, based on their conversations since, he still did. Erin had fallen asleep while Lily napped and hadn’t heard Lily wake up. Nor had she heard Lily open the door and go outside. Erin had been so deeply asleep that she hadn’t realized her daughter had drowned in the creek until hours later, after discovering Lily missing. A search party had found the body.

She should have done a better job getting Lily to understand the dangers of playing by the creek. The little girl had been fascinated by the rushing water and went there every chance she got. Erin should have double-checked the lock on the door to make sure it was locked. She should have told Lance she wasn’t feeling well and that was why she hadn’t wanted him going back to work that day, instead of picking a fight with him and complaining that he spent more time at work than with his family. She should have...

Erin wiped a tear from her face. So many should haves, and not one would bring their daughter back. Nor would it bring back the baby she’d been carrying at the time. She hadn’t even had the chance to tell Lance, which was probably a good thing since he’d likely blame her for that loss, as well. More moisture hit her face and she realized it wasn’t tears. The storm forecast to hit tonight was blowing in earlier than expected. Just a few more feet and she’d have this part done.

“Hey,” Lance called up. “It’s starting to snow. Maybe you should save this for another day.”

“I know,” she said. “I just need to finish this section.”

He made a noise like he always did when he was going to argue, but he didn’t say anything.

A few more snowflakes hit her face and a gust of wind blew the string still hanging. If she didn’t get it secured, the storm would likely rip the whole thing off and not only would she have to redo the lights, she’d probably have to buy new ones. They’d made that mistake last year when they started decorating early in the season.

She put an extra couple of staples in the section then climbed down. “Help me move this so I can get the last part.”

Lance made his annoyed noise again. “Why don’t you let me do it?”

Maybe it was petty, but this was typical Lance, not approving of her actions but then stepping in to do it for her to show how magnanimous he was.

“I’ve got it, thanks,” she said, moving the ladder and returning to her position.

“It’ll take you two trips up and down and moving the ladder again. I’ve got a longer reach.”