Game Changers: What Leaders, Innovators and Mavericks Do to Win at Life

It really comes down to playing to your strengths, something I wish I had learned to do sooner. When I was starting out in my career, I sucked at project management. I didn’t like the way it felt to be bad at something, so I decided to get better at it. I put all of my energy into becoming a certified project manager and ended up just barely average at something that drained my energy and went against my natural strengths. I realized that I could have better used the energy I’d wasted becoming a less than halfway decent project manager to really move the needle in other areas. So I deleted Microsoft Project and worked with experienced project managers who seemed to have magical unicorn project management powers but in reality were simply good at their jobs because they loved what they did and had mastered the necessary skill set.

Later, I was able to put this lesson into practice when I went to Wharton, where people worked really hard to get straight A’s. I decided ahead of time to get base knowledge and just barely pass the classes that actively drained me in order to free up energy to dive deep into areas that fascinated me. I ended up intentionally getting a D in several classes, but I got the same MBA that my straight-A friends did without feeling like a failure. Focusing on the areas I loved did more for my career than spending extra time on areas of study that didn’t light me up.

With coaching from the legendary entrepreneur coach Dan Sullivan of Strategic Coach, I have learned to prioritize my actions into three buckets: things that drain my energy, things I don’t mind and are important and useful, and things that give me energy and bring me joy. My goal is to break my daily actions down so that I spend none of my time on tasks that fall into the first category, 10 percent of my time on the second category, and 90 percent of my time in the final category, the one that Robert Greene calls primal inclinations. When I find myself drifting too far from the goal, I reset my actions.

This may feel impossible to you right now. Most people spend the majority of their time on tasks that fall into the first category, but it truly doesn’t have to be that way if you use the competence-confidence loop to create the motivation to become the person you want to be and focus your energy on your primal inclinations.

Action Items

Find three words that describe your highest, best self and write them down where you’ll see them throughout the day. Or do what Brendon does and set a phone alert to go off three times a day to remind you of these words. Write them down here. Do it now.Word 1: __________________________________________Word 2: __________________________________________Word 3: __________________________________________

Identify your primal inclinations—the things you love that you just can’t help learning about.________________________________________________________________

Write down what percentage of your time you spend doing things you hate, things you don’t mind, and things that light your fire. Write them down here.Percentage of time spent on things that drain me:__________________Percentage of time spent on things I don’t mind:__________________Percentage of time spent on things that give me joy, including my primal inclination:____________

Now do what it takes to shift your ratio to 0:10:90.

Recommended Listening

Brendon Burchard, “Confidence, Drive & Power,” Bulletproof Radio, episode 190

Brendon Burchard, “Hacking High Performers & Productivity Tricks,” Bulletproof Radio, episode 262

Robert Greene, “The 48 Laws of Power,” Bulletproof Radio, episode 380

Dan Sullivan, “Think About Your Thinking: Lessons in Entrepreneurship,” Bulletproof Radio, episode 485

Recommended Reading

Brendon Burchard, High Performance Habits: How Extraordinary People Become That Way

Robert Greene, The 48 Laws of Power

Law 3: When You Say You’ll Try, You Are Lying

The words you choose matter more than you think, not just to the people you speak to but also to your own nervous system. Your language sets your limits and to a great extent shapes your destiny. When you unconsciously use words that make you weak, you stop trusting yourself and lead others to question your integrity. Game changers deliberately choose truthful words to build trust and break free from self-imposed limitations. So stop trying and start doing.

My dear friend JJ Virgin is a well-known health and wellness expert and a four-time New York Times bestselling author who has benefited hundreds of thousands of people with her work in nutrition. On top of that, she teaches some of the most innovative experts in medicine how to use their knowledge to reach the people who need it. A few years ago, JJ’s teenage son, Grant, was out walking to a friend’s house when a hit-and-run driver left him for dead on the side of the road. Doctors told JJ that it wasn’t worth airlifting Grant to the only hospital that could perform the risky surgery he needed to save his heart because it would cause his brain to bleed out. She could have his heart or his brain, they said, but not both.

JJ, being the dedicated mother and unstoppable badass that she is, overruled the doctors in charge of Grant’s care time and time again as Grant went on to defeat the odds with her help. He survived the surgery, he woke up from his coma (which doctors had said would never happen), and he began to read, walk, and then run. JJ attributes Grant’s survival against the odds to many things, from cutting-edge therapies and good nutrition to skilled surgeons. But there was one action she took that she believes played a critical role in her son’s recovery: she was intentional about the words that she and others used around him.

Even when Grant was in a coma and doctors believed he couldn’t hear her, JJ never expressed any doubts about Grant’s recovery in front of him, and she didn’t allow the doctors or nurses to, either. This is because JJ knows that our bodies listen to our words at a subtle level. At his bedside, JJ told Grant over and over that this was going to be the best thing that had ever happened to him and he was going to come out of it at 110 percent. When a doctor told her, “We’re doing our best to get him to the point where he’ll be able to walk again if he ever wakes up,” JJ quickly ushered the doctor out of Grant’s earshot. She didn’t want him to hear that not waking up and never walking again were even distant possibilities.

Sure enough, when Grant woke up, he already had the intention of recovering to 110 percent. He never considered the possibility of not being able to walk again. And I have no doubt that the words JJ so carefully chose played a huge role in Grant’s incredible recovery. Words are powerful. They set expectations and limits and send messages to our brains and even our bodies about how much we are capable of. Language is a part of your mental software. Use it consciously and with precision, and you will achieve things you probably never thought you could.

Perhaps no one knows the power of words better than Jack Canfield, the man behind Chicken Soup for the Soul, who has sold several hundred million copies of his books and broke a world record when he had seven books on the New York Times bestseller list at one time. Jack’s focus is on distilling what makes people successful, culminating in his book The Success Principles: How to Get from Where You Are to Where You Want to Be. In my interview with him, we talked about how language impacts success, and I was surprised to hear that he keeps a list of limiting words that he guides successful people to avoid.

I do this, too. As I used biohacking to upgrade my abilities to focus on and pay attention to my words as they came out of my mouth, I discovered that I often used self-limiting words without even realizing it. Even when I was in a deep state of consciousness using neurofeedback, I was unknowingly setting intentions by using those limiting words. My subconscious was choosing safe words that made unimportant things feel huge and other words that allowed me wiggle room to avoid doing the big things I wanted to do.

I call such limiting words “weasel words.” People who work at Bulletproof know that I’ll call out someone in a meeting who uses weak language in a subconscious attempt to avoid responsibility. Similarly, Jack says that he keeps empty fishbowls in his offices, and if one of his team members uses a weasel word, he or she has to put two dollars into the bowl. This is meant not as punishment but to show that there is a cost to using such words. Clear speech means clear thinking and clear execution. By listening to and analyzing the words you use on a regular basis, you can learn to stop unconsciously programming yourself to have limited performance.

There are four particularly insidious weasel words that you likely use many times a day without even noticing it. Use them in front of me, and I’ll make sure you start to notice it (at least, if I like you!).

WEASEL WORD 1: CAN’T

This word is first on Jack’s list and mine, too. It is perhaps the most destructive word you use every day. The word “can’t” means there is absolutely no possible way you can do something. It robs you of power and crushes innovative thinking. When you say, “I can’t do that,” what you actually mean is one of four things: you could use some help doing it; you don’t currently have the tools to do it; you simply don’t know how to do it; or you just don’t want to do it. Or heck, maybe no one in history has figured out how to do “it” yet. Given enough resources and enough problem-solving creativity, you can do whatever it is. It may or may not be worth the time and effort to figure out, or maybe it’s just a stupid idea, but it’s not impossible.

The true meaning of “can’t” is obvious to your conscious brain, but it isn’t so obvious to your unconscious brain because that part of your brain doesn’t understand context. Yet it is still listening to the words you use. This miscommunication between the two parts of your brain creates confusion and subtle stress. If you start to use words that mean the same thing to both your conscious brain and your unconscious brain, you will be a calmer and more empowered person. And because other people also hear your words on both a conscious and unconscious level, when you choose your words more intentionally, other people will tend to trust you more.

This lesson came into action for me as I was writing this book. I was catching a flight to New York to be on The Dr. Oz Show, but I arrived at the airport fifty-nine minutes before takeoff instead of one hour. Even though I had checked in online for the flight, I couldn’t get through the security line without a printed boarding pass. The United gate agent was adamant that she would not print one for me. She even said, “You can’t make this flight.” Because I am programmed to hear “can’t” as a lie, it caused me to think about the problem differently. So I asked another, more helpful airline for the cheapest ticket to anywhere and bought it, which provided me with a precious printed boarding pass to get through security and board my original flight. It felt good to walk up to the United gate and see the look of disbelief on the face of the agent who had said I couldn’t get past security without a boarding pass for her flight. It felt even better to make the flight so that I didn’t fail to show up for a commitment.

“Can’t” is always a lie. Learn to see it that way, and you’ll solve problems differently. Go one week without using the word “can’t.” Normally, I would say, “I bet you can’t do it,” but it would be more honest for me to say, “I bet it will be very difficult until you have practiced.”

WEASEL WORD 2: NEED

Parents use the word “need” with kids all the time: “We need to go, so you need to wear a coat.” The truth is, you didn’t need to go, and you didn’t need to wear a coat. Your parents might have wanted to leave, and you would simply have been cold without a coat. By telling your primitive systems that you need something, you end up turning a desire for something into a straight-up survival issue. On a deep level your primitive brain believes that you’ll die if you don’t get the things you say you “need,” even though your conscious brain knows better.

Of course, you probably use this word in all sorts of other ways, too. “I need a snack” or “I need a new coat” are two good examples. You do not need those things, and lying to your brain about what you need is making you weak. The harsh reality is that there are few things you actually need: oxygen every minute, water every five days, and food before you starve after a couple months of hunger. You need shelter, and you need a way to stay warm. The rest are wants, not needs. Be honest by choosing the word “need” only when it is 100 percent truthful; the rest of the time replace it with the truth. You want. You choose. You decide.

This matters even more if you’re in a leadership position. Our systems aren’t good at distinguishing between real and perceived threats. Imagine the panic and bad decisions you can initiate if your team believes at some level that they will die if they don’t do something you suggest they “need” to do. In a physical state of stress, they would be unable to perform and make wise decisions. You can motivate people to run away from something scary, or you can motivate them to run toward something amazing. So instead of telling my team at Bulletproof that we need to hit a deadline, I say, “This is mission critical, and we’re going to do it. What obstacles can I remove for you? What will help us do this?” That truthful language means we can have an honest conversation if we’re really not going to be able to hit the deadline. People who believe the “need” lie will run like maniacs toward a deadline they know isn’t going to happen because that’s what you do when your life is at stake. So stop needing, and start wanting. You’re not going to die.

Challenge yourself to go a week without using the word “need” unless it’s true. You will be tempted to use the word as long as you qualify it, but even in those cases it is unlikely to actually be true. For example, you might say, “We need to leave now if we want to get to the store before it closes.” Even with this qualifier in place, this is still a limited way of thinking. What if you were to simply call the store and asked the people there to stay open a few minutes late? Or simply asked a friend to go? By using the word “need,” you put an unconscious box around the solution set, create subconscious stress, and limit your creativity.

WEASEL WORD 3: BAD

In reality, very few things are inherently “bad”; bad is a value judgment you assign to something. The problem with labeling things as “bad” is that your subconscious listens and prepares you psychologically and biochemically for impending doom. The vast majority of the time, when you say something is bad, you actually mean that you don’t like it or don’t want it. For instance, you might say, “I was planning a picnic, but now it’s raining, and that’s bad.” The truth is that you can have lunch somewhere else, probably without ants. And you’re damned lucky to be able to have lunch at all today. So is it really bad that it’s raining? Nope.

People tend to use the word “bad” a lot in relation to food, which also creates problems. Some foods work better for certain people than others. Those foods aren’t good or bad—and neither are the people who eat them! Even eating something obviously “bad,” such as an MSG-filled vegan pseudoburger, is better than starving to death. The word “bad” creates a false binary. The world doesn’t naturally fall into two camps. Sure, there are things that are truly tragic, such as violence and natural disasters, but when it comes to our everyday lives, judging things through a filter of either good or bad is limiting and creates unnecessary obstacles and black-and-white thinking. When you label something “bad,” you miss out on an opportunity to figure out how it can be good.

WEASEL WORD 4: TRY

“Try” always presupposes a likelihood of failure. Think about it. If someone says he’s going to try to pick you up at the airport when you land, are you going to count on him to do it? No way. You know that there is a good chance he won’t show up. However, if someone says he is going to pick you up, you can believe it. If you tell yourself that you’re going to try to stay on a diet or try to read a book, you’ve subconsciously already planned to fail. You won’t do it.

Jack illustrates the power of “try” during his powerful keynote presentations when he asks audience members to put something (a notebook, a pen, or whatever else they have handy) on their laps and lift it up. After they do it and put it back down, he says, “Now this time just try to pick it up.” That confuses everyone, and they don’t move for a moment. Then a few people start to pick up the item, but suddenly they’re struggling with the same item they lifted effortlessly a moment ago, as if it had gained several pounds. This is because as soon as you hear the word “try,” you assume that whatever you are going to “try” to do might not be possible. It gives your brain an out.

The point is that in order to become a better human, you want to push your brain to perform at its full potential instead of giving yourself an excuse to fail. This doesn’t mean that you have to do everything that is asked of you. If you don’t think that something is the best use of your time and mental energy, you can honestly and clearly (and kindly) say no. But if you choose to take something on, commit to it with all your might. As Yoda said, “There is no try. Only do.” Do you think he developed Jedi powers merely by trying? No way, and the point is that neither will you.

Action Items

Ask someone at work and someone at home to call you out when you use weasel words and to fine you a dollar to put into a jar for charity (or the office coffee fund) when you do.

Set your computer’s autocorrect to automatically capitalize or highlight weasel words so you’ll have to change them to more truthful words. It’s amazing how frequent reminders drive behavior change!

Recommended Listening

JJ Virgin, “Fighting for Miracles,” Bulletproof Radio, episode 386

Jack Canfield, “Go Beyond Chicken Soup & Confront Your Fears,” Bulletproof Radio, episode 471