AniMalcolm

Chapter Twenty-One: Goaty McGoatface (#litres_trial_promo)

Chapter Twenty-Two: Blades at the ready (#litres_trial_promo)

Chapter Twenty-Three: Run run run! (#litres_trial_promo)

Chapter Twenty-Four: Brill poo (#litres_trial_promo)

Chapter Twenty-Five: A lovely name (#litres_trial_promo)

Chapter Twenty-Six: Bring me a manky apple (#litres_trial_promo)

Chapter Twenty-Seven: Oh-so-clever pig (#litres_trial_promo)

Chapter Twenty-Eight: Whaaaaaaaaarrggggghhh …!! (#litres_trial_promo)

Chapter Twenty-Nine: Well … (#litres_trial_promo)

Part 3 (#litres_trial_promo)

Chapter Thirty: Cute but sad and lost (#litres_trial_promo)

Chapter Thirty-One: A horse, a piglet, two bigger pigs, three sheep, a cat and a dog (#litres_trial_promo)

Chapter Thirty-Two: Memories (#litres_trial_promo)

Chapter Thirty-Three: Mud (#litres_trial_promo)

Chapter Thirty-Four: Lord King Louie’s precious pile of poop (#litres_trial_promo)

Chapter Thirty-Five: Dominant male (#litres_trial_promo)

Chapter Thirty-Six: Oh dear (#litres_trial_promo)

Chapter Thirty-Seven: Splat (#litres_trial_promo)

Chapter Thirty-Eight: A day over 148 (#litres_trial_promo)

Chapter Thirty-Nine: EIWKLTSH (#litres_trial_promo)

Chapter Forty: Is this how it ends? (#litres_trial_promo)

Chapter Forty-One: This army (#litres_trial_promo)

Chapter Forty-Two: Ticky (#litres_trial_promo)

Chapter Forty-Three: He’s Argentinian (#litres_trial_promo)

Part 4 (#litres_trial_promo)

Chapter Forty-Four: Begins with M (#litres_trial_promo)

Chapter Forty-Five: Free cheese (#litres_trial_promo)

Chapter Forty-Six: Very, very faintly (#litres_trial_promo)

Chapter Forty-Seven: Seventy-two hours (#litres_trial_promo)

Chapter Forty-Eight: Here we go (#litres_trial_promo)

Chapter Forty-Nine: COCK-A-DOODLE-DOO (#litres_trial_promo)

Chapter Fifty: Where’s the chinchilla? (#litres_trial_promo)

Chapter Fifty-One: Not normal circumstances (#litres_trial_promo)

First Coda: One week later (#litres_trial_promo)

Second Coda: One year later (#litres_trial_promo)

Footnotes (#litres_trial_promo)

Acknowledgements (#litres_trial_promo)

Keep Reading (#litres_trial_promo)

Books by David Baddiel (#litres_trial_promo)

About the Publisher (#litres_trial_promo)

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“Happy birthday to you,

Happy birthday to you,

Happy birthday dear … Maaaalllllcolm!”

Now, this is normally the moment at which the birthday child – whose name in this case (as you may have worked out) is Malcolm – would blow out the candles on their cake.

But the Baileys – that was his full name, Malcolm Bailey – had a family tradition, which was that they also sang ‘Happy Birthday’ when giving the children their birthday presents. So this song wasn’t being sung at a party, and it was not accompanied by a cake. It was just Malcolm’s mum and dad (Jackie and Stewart), his grandpa (Theo), his teenage sister (Libby) and his little brother (Bert), on the morning of his eleventh birthday, standing in a circle, in the living room, round a box, covered in wrapping paper (which actually did have printed candles on it).

Malcolm waited for the singing to finish. It was a bit of an annoying tradition, to be honest, because what he wanted to do was tear open that wrapping paper. Because he knew that inside the box was what he really, really wanted: a laptop computer.

He had given his parents the exact specification. An FZY Apache 321. Hi-Def screen. 4.0 GHz processor speed. Quad speakers with Nahimic virtual surround sound. The fastest and coolest and baddest laptop on the planet. He could almost see it in his hands, touch its LED display backlit keyboard.

“… Happy birthday