The World of David Walliams 4 Book Collection

I would like to thank my literary agent at Independent Talent, Paul Stevens; Moira Bellas and everyone at MBC PR; all at HarperCollins, especially my publisher Ann-Janine Murtagh and my editor Nick Lake for their belief in the project and tremendous support of me; James Annal, the cover designer; Elorine Grant, interior designer; Michelle Misra, eagle-eyed copy-editor; the other side of my brain that is Matt Lucas; my greatest fan and mum, Kathleen; and my sister Julie for dressing me up in the first place.

Most of all though, I would like to thank the great Quentin Blake, who has brought more to this book than I could have ever dared to dream.

For my mum Kathleen, the kindest personI have ever met.

Table of Contents

Title Page (#u5b69f362-fc90-53ee-8f8f-5ccf9ec3b36b)

Dedication (#ud1c659c8-2a7f-5a7e-91a3-f5cc65605a1d)

1 - Scratch ‘N’ Sniff (#ud472e8c6-10b2-57f9-b04d-ebbb0fc07423)

2 - Icy Silence (#u1cf2bf8a-a4e1-5aa2-a282-cbcbeb95db84)

3 - The Wanderer (#litres_trial_promo)

4 - Drivel (#litres_trial_promo)

5 - Abandon Starbucks! (#litres_trial_promo)

6 - Soap-Dodgers (#litres_trial_promo)

7 - A Bucket in the Corner (#litres_trial_promo)

8 - Maybe It’s the Drains (#litres_trial_promo)

9 - A Little Bit of Drool (#litres_trial_promo)

10 - Slightly Chewed (#litres_trial_promo)

11 - Hair Pulling (#litres_trial_promo)

12 - Pongy Pong (#litres_trial_promo)

13 - Shut your Face! (#litres_trial_promo)

14 - Lady and the Tramp (#litres_trial_promo)

15 - Bath time (#litres_trial_promo)

16 - Rule Britannia (#litres_trial_promo)

17 - Collapsed Bouffant (#litres_trial_promo)

18 - Rabbit Droppings (#litres_trial_promo)

19 - Supertramp (#litres_trial_promo)

20 - Grubby Toilet Roll (#litres_trial_promo)

21 - Wet Wipe (#litres_trial_promo)

22 - Long Lion Days (#litres_trial_promo)

23 - Plastic Snowman (#litres_trial_promo)

24 - Yuckety Yuck Yuck (#litres_trial_promo)

25 - Black Leather Mistletoe (#litres_trial_promo)

26 - Little Star (#litres_trial_promo)

Acknowledgments (#litres_trial_promo)

1 Scratch ‘N’ Sniff (#ulink_14cf1e46-6b05-5b3b-a534-8020a83d4f6f)

Mr Stink stank. He also stunk. And if it is correct English to say he stinked, then he stinked as well. He was the stinkiest stinky stinker who ever lived.

A stink is the worst type of smell. A stink is worse than a stench. And a stench is worse than a pong. And a pong is worse than a whiff. And a whiff can be enough to make your nose wrinkle.

It wasn’t Mr Stink’s fault that he stank. He was a tramp, after all. He didn’t have a home and so he never had the opportunity to have a proper wash like you and me. After a while the smell just got worse and worse. Here is a picture of Mr Stink.

He is quite a snappy dresser in his bow-tie and tweed jacket, isn’t he? But don’t be fooled. The illustration doesn’t do justice to the smell. This could be a scratch ‘n’ sniff book, but the smell would be so bad you would have to put it in the bin. And then bury the bin. Very deep underground.

That’s his little black dog with him, the Duchess. The Duchess wasn’t any particular breed of dog, she was just a dog. She smelt too, but not as bad as Mr Stink. Nothing in the world really smelt as bad as him. Except his beard. His beard was full of old bits of egg and sausage and cheese that had fallen out of his mouth years before. It had never, ever been shampooed so it had its own special stink, even worse than his main one.

One morning, Mr Stink simply appeared in the town and took up residence on an old wooden bench. No one knew where he had come from, or where he might be going. The town folk were mostly nice to him. They sometimes dropped a few coins at his feet, before rushing off with their eyes watering. But no one was really friendly towards him. No one stopped for a chat.

At least, not till the day that a little girl finally plucked up the courage to speak to him—and that’s where our story begins.

“Hello,” said the girl, her voice trembling a little with nerves. The girl was called Chloe. She was only twelve and she had never spoken to a tramp before. Her mother had forbidden her to speak to ‘such creatures’. Mother even disapproved of her daughter talking to kids from the local council estate. But Chloe didn’t think Mr Stink was a creature. She thought he was a man who looked like he had a very interesting story to tell—and if there was one thing Chloe loved, it was stories.

Every day she would pass him and his dog in her parents’ car on the way to her posh private school. Whether in sunshine or snow, he was always sitting on the same bench with his dog by his feet. As she luxuriated on the leather of the back seat with her poisonous little sister Annabelle, Chloe would look out of the window at him and wonder.

Millions of thoughts and questions would swim through her head. Who was he? Why did he live on the streets? Had he ever had a home? What did his dog eat? Did he have any friends or family? If so, did they know he was homeless?

Where did he go at Christmas? If you wanted to write him a letter, what address would you put on the envelope? ‘The bench, you know the one—round the corner from the bus stop’? When was the last time he’d had a bath? And could his name really be Mr Stink?

Chloe was the kind of girl who loved being alone with her thoughts. Often she would sit on her bed and make up stories about Mr Stink. Sitting on her own in her room, she would come up with all kinds of fantastical tales. Maybe Mr Stink was a heroic old sailor who had won dozens of medals for bravery, but had found it impossible to adapt to life on dry land? Or perhaps he was a world-famous opera singer who one night, upon hitting the top note in an aria at the Royal Opera House in London, lost his voice and could never sing again? Or maybe he was really a Russian secret agent who had put on an elaborate tramp disguise to spy on the people of the town?

Chloe didn’t know anything about Mr Stink. But what she did know, on that day when she stopped to talk to him for the first time, was that he looked like he needed the five-pound note she was holding much more than she did.

He seemed lonely too, not just alone, but lonely in his soul. That made Chloe sad. She knew full well what it was like to feel lonely. Chloe didn’t like school very much. Mother had insisted on sending her to a posh all-girls secondary school, and she hadn’t made any friends there. Chloe didn’t like being at home much either. Wherever she was she had the feeling that she didn’t quite fit in.

What’s more, it was Chloe’s least favourite time of year. Christmas. Everyone is supposed to love Christmas, especially children. But Chloe hated it. She hated the tinsel, she hated the crackers, she hated the carols, she hated having to watch the Queen’s speech, she hated the mince pies, she hated that it never really snowed like it’s suppose to, she hated sitting down with her family to a long, long dinner, and most of all, she hated how she had to pretend to be happy just because it was December 25

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