Les Bijoux Indiscrets, or, The Indiscreet Toys

By this time the pretended drowziness went off. Alcina sat down to play with as much intrepidity as if her Toy either had not spoken a word, or had made the finest speech in the world. Nay, she was the only lady that play'd without distraction. This sitting was worth a considerable sum to her. The rest did not know what they were about, could not count the dots on the cards, forgot their reckonings, neglected their good luck, dealt wrong, and committed a hundred other mistakes, of which Alcina took the advantage. In fine, they broke up play, and every one withdrew.

This adventure made great noise not only at court and in town, but all over Congo. Epigrams were handed about on it. The discourse of Alcina's Toy was published, revised, corrected, enlarged and commented by the Agreeables of the court. The Emir was lampoon'd, and his wife immortalized. She was pointed at in the play-house, and followed in the public walks. People flock'd about her, and she heard them buzzing: "Yes, 'tis she: her Toy made a discourse two hours long." Alcina bore her new reputation with admirable tranquillity. She listened to these expressions, and many more, with a serenity, which the rest of the women could not shew. They were every moment under apprehensions of some indiscretions being committed by their Toys: but the adventure of the following chapter compleated their confusion.

As soon as the company had broke up, Mangogul gave his hand to the favorite, and conduced her to her appartment. She was far from having that lively chearful air, which seldom quitted her. She had lost considerably at play, and the effect of the dreadful ring had plunged her into a pensiveness, out of which she was not yet thoroughly recovered. She knew the Sultan's curiosity, and she had not sufficient confidence in the promises of a man less amorous than despotic, to be free from uneasiness. "What ails you, my soul's delight?" said Mangogul. "You are pensive." "I played with bad luck without example," answered Mirzoza. "I lost the possibility. I had twelve tableaux, and I don't think I mark'd three times." "That is vexatious," replied Mangogul; "but what think you of my secret?" "Prince," said the favorite, "I persist in deeming it diabolical. Doubtless it will amuse you, but that amusement will be attended with dismal consequences. You are going to spread discord in every family, undeceive husbands, throw lovers into despair, ruin wives, dishonour daughters, and raise a thousand other hurly-burlys. Ah! Prince, I conjure you. – " "By the light," said Mangogul, "you moralize like Nicole! I would be glad to know why the concern for your neighbour touches you so to the quick. No, no, madam; I will keep my ring. And what do I matter those husbands undeceived, those lovers thrown into despair, those wives ruined, those daughters dishonoured, provided I amuse myself. Am I then a Sultan for nothing? Good night, madam, we must hope that future scenes will be more comic than the first, and that you will take more pleasure in them by degrees." "I do not believe it, sir," replied Mirzoza. "And for my part, I promise you, that you will find pleasant Toys, nay, so pleasant, that you cannot refuse giving them audience. And what would you do, if I sent them to you in quality of ambassadors? I will if you desire it, spare you the trouble of their harangues; but as to the recital of their adventures, you shall hear it either from their own mouths or mine. 'Tis a determined point; and I can abate nothing of it. Resolve to familiarize yourself with these new speech-makers." At these words he embraced her, and went into his closet, reflecting on the trial he had made, and devoutly thanking the Genius Cucufa.

CHAP. VII.

Second trial of the Ring.

The Altars

The next evening there was to be a private supper in Mirzoza's appartment. The persons invited came early. Before the prodigy of the preceding day, people came by inclination; this night they came purely out of politeness. All the ladies had an air of constraint, and spoke in monosyllables. They were upon the watch, and expected every moment, that some Toy would join in conversation. Notwithstanding their itch of bringing Alcina's odd adventure on the carpet, none of them dared to undertake opening the topic. Not that they were restrained by her presence: tho' included in the supper-list, she did not appear; it was judged that she had a swimming in her head. However, whether it was that they became less apprehensive of danger, as the whole day long they had heard no body speak but from the mouth; or whether they affected to appear courageous, the conversation revived, the women most suspected composed their countenances, put on an air of assurance, and Mirzoza ask'd the courtier Zegris, if he knew any entertaining news. "Madam," replied Zegris, "you have been informed of a match between the Aga Chazour and young Siberina: I assure you it is broke off." "Upon what account?" interrupted the favorite. "On account of a strange voice," continued Zegris, "which Chazour says he heard at the toilet of his princess. Since yesterday, the Sultan's court is full of people, who go with their ears cock'd, in hopes of catching, I can't say how, such declarations, as most certainly the persons concerned have no inclination to make them."

"That is silly," replied the favorite. "Alcina's misfortune, if it be one, is far from being averred. We have not got to the bottom – "

"Madam," interrupted Zelmaida, "I have heard her most distinctly. She spoke without opening her mouth. The facts were well articulated, and it was not very difficult to guess whence this extraordinary sound issued. I assure you, that I should have died, were I in her place."

"Died!" replied Zegris. "Folks survive other sorts of accidents." "How?" cried Zelmaida. "Can there be a more dreadful one than the indiscretion of a Toy? Well, there is no medium left. One must either renounce gallantry, or resolve to pass for a woman of pleasure." "Indeed," said Mirzoza, "the option is severe." "No, no, madam," replied another lady, "you will see that women will fix their resolution. They will allow Toys to prate as much as they please; and will go their own way, without troubling themselves with what the world shall say. And after all, what does it signify, whether it be a woman's Toy or her lover that proves indiscreet? Are things less exposed?"

"Upon a serious consideration of the whole affair," continued a third, "if a woman's adventures must be divulged, 'tis better it should happen by her Toy than her lover."

"The notion is singular," said the favorite; "and true," replied she who had broach'd it: "for, pray, observe that a lover is generally dissatisfied, before he becomes indiscreet, and therefore tempted to be revenged by exaggerating every thing: whereas a Toy talks without passion, and adds nothing to the truth."

"For my part," said Zelmaida, "I am not of that opinion. In this case it is not so much the importance of the depositions, as the strength of the evidence, that ruins the criminal. A lover, who by his discourse dishonours the Altar, on which he has sacrificed, is a kind of impious person, who deserves no credit: but if the altar lifts up its voice, what answer can be made."

"That the altar knows not what it says," replied the second. Monima, hitherto mute, broke silence, in order to say in a dragging, lazy tone: "Ah! let my Altar, since you call it so, speak or be silent, I fear nothing from its talk."

Mangogul enter'd that very instant, and Monima's last words did not escape him. He levell'd his Ring at her, and her Toy was heard to cry out: "Do not believe her, she lies." Her female neighbours, gazing at each other, ask'd whose Toy it was that made this answer. "'Tis not mine," said Zelmaida; "nor mine," said another; "nor mine," said Monima; "nor mine," said the Sultan. Every one, and the favorite among the rest, persisted in the negative.

The Sultan, taking the advantage of this incertainty, and addressing the ladies, said: "You have Altars then? Pray, how are they feasted?" As he was speaking, he nimbly turn'd his Ring successively on all the women except Mirzoza; and every one of their Toys answering in its turn, these words were heard in different tones. "I am frequented, batter'd, abandon'd, perfum'd, fatigu'd, ill serv'd, disgusted, &c." They all spoke their word, but so precipitately, that no just application could be made. Their jargon, sometimes rumbling, sometimes yelping, accompanied with loud laughs of Mangogul and his courtiers, made a noise of a new kind. The ladies agreed with a very grave air, that it was very diverting. "How," said the Sultan, "sure we are too happy, that the Toys deign to speak our language, and furnish half the expence of the conversation. Society must be a considerable gainer by this duplication of organs. Possibly we men shall speak also in our turn, by something else besides our mouths. Who knows? What agrees so perfectly well with Toys, may happen to be destin'd to make questions and responses to them: nevertheless my anatomist is of a different opinion."

CHAP. VIII.

Third trial of the Ring.

The Private Supper

Supper was served up, the company sate down at table, and at first they diverted themselves at Monima's charge: all the women unanimously agreed that her Toy had spoke first; and she must have sunk under this confederacy, had not the Sultan taken her part. "I do not pretend," said he, "that Monima is less gallant than Zelmaida; but I believe her Toy has more discretion. Besides, when the mouth and Toy of a woman contradict each other, which to believe?" "Sir," replied a courtier, "I know not what Toys will say hereafter; but hitherto they have explain'd themselves on a subject, which is very familiar to them. As long as they shall have the prudence to speak of nothing but what they understand, I shall believe them as so many oracles." "Others," said Mirzoza, "of greater authenticity might be consulted." "Pray, madam," replied Mangogul, "what interest can these have in disguising the truth? Nothing but a chimæra of honour could be their motive: but a Toy has none of these chimæras. That is not the place of prejudices." "A chimera of honour," said Mirzoza, "prejudices! If your highness had been exposed to the same inconveniences with us, you would become sensible, that whatever touches virtue, is far from being chimærical." All the ladies, encouraged by the Sultana's answer, insisted that it was superfluous to put them to certain proofs; and Mangogul, that these proofs were generally dangerous at least.

This conversation ushered in the champagne: it moved briskly round, they plied it close, and it warmed the Toys. Then it was that Mangogul had intended to resume his frolicks. He turn'd his ring on a very gay sprightly young lady, who sate pretty near him, and directly opposite to her husband: and immediately issued from under the table a plaintive noise, a weak languishing voice, which said: "Oh, how I am harrassed! I can bear it no longer, I am at death's door." "How, by the Pagoda Pongo Sabiam," cried Husseim, "my wife's Toy speaks, and what can it say?" "We are going to hear," answered the Sultan. – "Prince, you will permit me not to be of the number of its auditors," replied Husseim; "for if any thing ridiculous drop'd from it, do you think?" – "I think you are a fool," said the Sultan, "to alarm yourself at the prattle of a Toy: do we not know a good part of what it can say, and may we not guess the rest? Sit down, then, and endeavour to divert yourself."

Husseim sat down, and his wife's Toy began to prate like a magpye. "Shall I eternally have this huge Flandrian Valanto? I have seen some who have made an end; but this man" – At these words Husseim arose in a fury, snatch'd up a knife, sprang to the other side of the table; and would have pierced his wife's breast, if his neighbours had not prevented him. "Husseim," said the Sultan, "you make too much noise: the company cannot hear. Might not one say, that your wife's Toy is the only one that has not common sense? And what would become of these ladies, if their husbands were of your humour? How! you are out of your wits for a pitiful little adventure of one Valanto, who never made an end. Return to your seat, behave like a man of honour; see that you watch yourself, and not commit a second failure before a prince, who admits you to his pleasures."

While Husseim, stifling his rage, was leaning on the back of a chair, his eyes shut, and his hand on his forehead; the Sultan dexterously levell'd his Ring, and the Toy went on. "Valanto's young page would suit me pretty well: but I know not when he will begin. In the mean time till the one begins, and the other makes an end, I practise patience with the Bramin Egon. He is a frightful figure, I must own: but his talent is to make an end and begin again. Oh, what a great man a Bramin is!"

By the time the Toy had got as far as this exclamation, Husseim blush'd to fret for a woman who was so unworthy, and fell a laughing with the rest of the company; but he kept something in reserve for his spouse. The entertainment being over, every one went home directly, except Husseim, who conducted his wife into a house of veiled maidens, and there shut her up. Mangogul being inform'd of her disgrace paid her a visit. He found the whole community busy in comforting her, but still more in trying to get the secret of her exile from her. "'Tis for a mere trifle," said she, "that I am here. Being last night at supper with the Sultan, the Champagne was whip'd about, the Tokay gallop'd, people hardly knew what they said, when my Toy must needs fall to prating. I do not remember on what subject it talk'd, but it made my husband take dudgeon."

"To be sure, Madam, he is in the wrong," replied the nuns: "people ought not to put themselves into such passions for trifles! – How! your Toy has spoke. Pray does it speak still? How charm'd we should be to hear it! It must certainly express itself with wit and a good grace." They were gratified: for the Sultan turn'd his ring on the poor recluse, and her Toy thank'd them for their civilities; protesting to them at the same time, that how pleased soever it was with their company, that of a Bramin would suit it better.

The Sultan embraced the opportunity, to learn some particulars of the life of these virgins. His Ring interrogated the Toy of a young recluse, whose name was Cleanthis; and the pretended virgin-Toy confessed two gardeners, a Bramin, and three cavaliers; and related how by the assistance of a purging draught and two bleedings, she had escaped giving scandal. Zephirina owned, by the organ of her Toy, that she was indebted to the errand-boy of the house, for the honourable title of mother. But one thing that astonish'd the Sultan, was, that tho' those sequester'd Toys expressed themselves in very indecent terms; the virgins, to whom they belong'd, heard them without blushing: which made him conjecture, that if they failed of the practical part in those retreats, they had in return a large share of speculation.

In order to clear up this point, he turn'd his ring on a novice between fifteen and sixteen years of age. "Flora," said her Toy, "has more than once ogled a young officer thro' the grate. I am certain that she had an inclination for him. Her little finger told me so." This was a mortifying stroke for Flora. The ancient ladies condemned her to two months silence and discipline; and ordered prayers, that the Toys of the community might remain mute.

CHAP. IX.

The state of the academy of sciences at Banza

Mangogul had scarcely quitted the recluses, among whom I left him, when a report was spread thro' Banza, that the virgins of the congregation of Brama's Coccyx, spoke by their Toys. This report, to which Husseim's violent proceedings had given credit, rouzed the curiosity of the learned. The phænomenon was thoroughly examined and allowed: and the freethinkers began to seek in the properties of matter, the reasons of a fact, which they had at first deemed impossible. The tattle of the Toys gave birth to a great number of excellent works; and this important subject swell'd the collections of the academies with several memoirs, which may be esteemed the utmost efforts of human understanding.

In order to model and perpetuate that of Banza, invitations with suitable encouragement had been, and still continued to be, given to all persons of the brightest parts in Congo, Monoémugi, Beleguanza, and the circumjacent kingdoms. It took in, under different titles, all those who had distinguished themselves in natural history, natural philosophy, mathematicks, and the greatest part of those, who promised to make a figure in them one time or other. This swarm of indefatigable bees labour'd incessantly in the research of truth, and every year the public reaped the fruits of their labours in a volume full of discoveries.

It was at that time divided into two factions, the one composed of Vorticists, and the other of Attractionists. Olibrio, an able geometrician and great natural philosopher, founded the sect of the Vorticists. Circino, an able natural philosopher and great geometrician, was the first Attractionist. Both Olibrio and Circino proposed to explain nature. Olibrio's principles have at first sight a certain air of simplicity, which seduces: in the gross they account for the principal phænomena, but they contradict themselves in the detail. As for Circino, he seems to set out upon an absurdity; but 'tis the first step alone that is expensive. The minute details, which ruin Olibrio's system, establish his. He follows a road, dark at entrance, but which grows more lightsome according as a person advances. On the contrary, that of Olibrio, lightsome at entrance, grows darker and darker. The philosophy of the latter requires less study than understanding. One cannot be a disciple of the former, without a large share of understanding and study. One enters without preparation into Olibrio's school; every body has the key of it. That of Circino is open to none but geometricians of the first class. Olibrio's Vortices are within the reach of all capacities. Circino's central powers are made for first rate Algebraists only. Wherefore there will always be an hundred Vorticists for one Attractionist; and one Attractionist will always be worth an hundred Vorticists. Such was the state of the academy of sciences at Banza, when it handled the subject of the indiscreet Toys.

This phænomenon was very slippery: it dodged the attraction, and the subtile matter could not come within reach of it. In vain did the president summon all those who had any notions, to communicate them: a profound silence reigned in the assembly. At length Persiflo the Vorticist, who had published treatises on many subjects, which he did not understand, rose up and said: "The fact, gentlemen, might well agree with the system of the world. I should suspect that it has in general the same cause with the tides. For pray take notice, that this day is the equinoctial full moon. But before I can depend on my conjecture, I must wait to hear what the Toys will say next month."

The company shrug'd their shoulders: they dared not remonstrate to him, that he reasoned like a Toy; but as he is a man of penetration he perceived in an instant that they thought as much.

The Attractionist Reciproco opened, and said: "Gentlemen, I have tables calculated by a theory on the highth of the tides in every port of the kingdom. True it is, that observations somewhat bely my calculations: but I flatter myself that this small inconvenience will be repaired by the advantage that will result from them, if the tattle of Toys continues to square with the phænomena of the ebb and flow."

A third person started up, went to the board, traced his figure, and said "let a Toy be A B, and – "

Here the ignorance of the translators has deprived us of a demonstration, which without doubt the African author had preserv'd. After a blank of about two pages, we read: Reciproco's reasoning was thought demonstrative; and it was unanimously agreed, from the essays he had given on dialectics, that he would be able one day or other to make this deduction: women have from time immemorial heard with their ears: therefore they ought at this day to speak by their Toys.

Doctor Orcotomus, of the tribe of Anatomists, spoke next, and said: "Gentlemen, I am of opinion, that it would be properer to drop a phænomenon, than to seek its cause in vapory hypotheses. For my part, I would not have open'd my mouth, if I had nought but trifling conjectures to offer: but I have examined, studied, meditated. I have seen Toys in the paroxysm, and I am got so far, by means of my knowledge of the parts, and experience, as to be convinced, that that which in Greek we call Delphys, has all the properties of the windpipe, and that there are some who can speak as well by the Toy as by the mouth. Yes, gentlemen, the Delphys is a string and wind instrument; but much more a string than a wind one. The outward air, which lights on it, properly does the office of a bow on the tendinous fibres of the wings, which I shall call ribbons or vocal strings. The gentle collision of this air and the vocal strings puts them into a trembling motion; and it is by their quicker or slower vibrations, that they utter different sounds. The person modifies these sounds at discretion, speaks, and even might sing.

"As there are but two ribbons or vocal strings, and as they are to the eye of equal length, it will doubtless be ask'd, how they suffice to give the multitude of sounds, grave and acute, strong and weak, of which the human voice is capable. I answer, in pursuing the comparison of this organ with musical instruments, that their lengthening and shortening are sufficient to produce these effects.

"That these parts are capable of distention and contraction, is needless to be demonstrated in an assembly of Literati of your rank: but that in consequence of this distention and contraction, the Delphys can utter sounds more or less acute; in a word, all the inflexions of the voice, and modulation of singing; is a fact, which I flatter myself I shall put out of doubt. My appeal is to experiments. Yes, gentlemen, I engage to make both a Delphys and a Toy reason, speak, nay, and sing too, before ye."

Thus harangued Orcotomus, promising to himself nothing less than to raise the Toys to the level of the windpipes of one of his learned brethren, whose success jealousy had attack'd in vain.

CHAP. X.

Less learned and less tedious than the preceding. Continuation of the academical sitting

By the difficulties started against Orcotomus, before he could make his experiments, it appeared, that his notions were judged to have less of solidity than ingenuity. "If Toys have the faculty of speech naturally," say they, "why have they not made use of it till now? If it was an effect of the goodness of Brama, who has been pleased to endow women with so strong a desire of talking, to double the organs of speech in them; it is very strange, that they have so long been ignorant of, or at least neglected this valuable gift of nature. Why has not the same Toy spoke more than once? Why has none of them spoke of aught but the same subject? By what mechanism does it fall out, that one of the mouths is forcibly kept shut, while the other speaks? Moreover," added they, "if we judge of the prattle of Toys by the circumstances, in which most of them have spoken, and by the things they have told; there is all the reason in the world to believe it involuntary, and that those parts would continue mute, if it had been in the power of their possessors to impose silence on them."

Orcotomus arose to answer these objections, and insisted that Toys talk'd in all ages; but so low, that what they said was hardly heard, even by those to whom they belonged. That it is not surprizing, that they have raised their voice in our days, when the freedom of conversation is carried so high, that one may without impudence and indiscretion converse on those things, which are the most familiar to them: that if they have spoke audibly but once, we are not to infer that that will be the only time. That there is a vast difference between being mute and keeping silence; that if they have talk'd but on one and the same subject only, probably the reason is, that it is the only one, of which they have ideas. That those who have not spoke as yet, will speak. That if they remain silent, it is because they have nothing to say, or that they are ill made, or want ideas and terms.

"In a word," continued he, "to pretend that it was an effect of the goodness of Brama to grant to women the means of gratifying their strong desire of talking, by multiplying in them the organs of speech; is to grant, that if this benefaction drag'd any inconveniences after it, it was an effect of his wisdom to prevent them: and this he has done, by compelling one of the mouths to keep silence, while the other speaks. It is already but too inconvenient for us, that women change their mind from one instant to another: what then would it have been, if Brama had left them the power of being of two contradictory sentiments at the same time? Further, the gift of speech has been given, purely in order to be understood; but the women, who find it a difficult talk to understand one another with a single mouth each, how could they possibly do it, if they spoke with two at a time?"

Thus Orcotomus answered several things, and thought he had given satisfactory solutions to all difficulties: but he was mistaken. New doubts were raised, and he was on the point of sinking under them; when Cimonazes came to his assistance. Then the dispute became tumultuous. They stray'd wide of the question, they bewilder'd themselves, they return'd, they bewilder'd themselves a second time, they grew angry, they brawled; from brawling they pass'd to injurious words, and the academical sitting ended.

CHAP. XI.

Fourth trial of the Ring.

The Echo