Skulduggery Pleasant: Books 4 - 6

“I get it, yeah.”

“And I keep it on me at all times.”

“I guessed you would.”

“And yet you still plan to take a Remnant with you when you leave.”

“I have to be honest here – yeah, I do. It’s a nice subtle little plan. You’ll like it. Without goin’ into specifics, when the time comes, I’m fully expectin’ to either be given the key or to take it from your cold, dead hand and just let myself in.”

“I see,” Shudder murmured. “You should know that’s very unlikely.”

“It’s unlikely now. When the time comes, it’ll be pretty likely, believe me.” He glanced at his watch. “An’ the time’s approachin’…”

Valkyrie detected movement outside the window. She went to it and looked out. “There are people out there,” she said.

Skulduggery and Shudder joined her. People were approaching from all directions – dozens of them. Valkyrie saw dried blood on their clothes. They got closer and she realised how pale they were, how dishevelled. Some of them stumbled as they walked. Their faces were expressionless.

“Zombies,” Skulduggery said. “Zombies at the door. This is your version of subtle, is it?”

Sanguine stood up from the table and grinned.

“The dead can’t pass through,” Shudder said. “They can stay out there until they rot and this hotel will move on at midnight. I fail to see how any of this would make me open the door to the Remnants.”

“Well,” said Sanguine, “that’s because you don’t have all the facts. You got your security mojo workin’, keepin’ out undesirables like the walkin’ dead, and all that’s great. But see, the problem with security symbols is that there’s always a way round them. And that whole magical alphabet thing has always been a bit of a hobby for my daddy. He’s no expert, but he knows which symbol cancels out what symbol, y’know? All those zombies out there? They’re all got this symbol carved into their smelly, rottin’ skin.” He handed a crumpled piece of paper to Shudder. “What d’you think? Think it’ll do the job?”

Shudder examined the paper and his eyes narrowed. He didn’t respond.

“You know it’s enough for those pesky critters to come stormin’ in here, don’t you?” Sanguine continued. “So here’s my offer, Anton. You open that door for me, you let me get what I came here to get and I’ll call off the zombie horde.”

Shudder looked at him then out of the window. He shook his head. “No.”

Sanguine sighed. “That’s the wrong move, buddy. It’ll be a bloodbath once they get started.”

“We can hold them off,” Shudder said. “What do you think, Skulduggery?”

“Should be fun,” Skulduggery responded. “Valkyrie here has never held off a horde of zombies before. It’ll be good experience for her.”

“Oh, joy,” she muttered.

“You people,” Sanguine said. “Always so eager to die heroic deaths. I don’t want any blood on this suit, so if you don’t mind, I’ll be headin’ outside now. Wouldn’t want to be caught in here when the carnage starts.”

He turned to go and Shudder punched him. Sanguine spun and fell back, nearly tumbling over a chair.

“What about your no violence rule?” he said, rubbing his jaw.

“No violence towards guests,” Shudder clarified. “You are no longer considered a guest.”

Skulduggery walked towards him and Sanguine straightened up.

“You can punch me all you like,” he began and Skulduggery said, “Oh, good,” and hit him. Sanguine tripped over the coffee table and fell backwards to the ground.

“It won’t do no good!” he barked. “Them zombies are comin’ in an’ there’s nothin’ you can do to stop it!”

“Call them off,” Skulduggery said.

Sanguine spat blood and grinned up at him. “Shan’t.”

“Call them off or I’ll hurt you.”

“How much hurt can you deliver in thirty seconds? Because that’s how long you have. They’re goin’ to come in here and you’re goin’ to fight ‘em off, and can you guess which one of you’s goin’ to fall first? My money’s on the girl. They’re goin’ to tear her apart. They’re goin’ to eat her alive and I’m goin’ to watch and it’ll be a show I ain’t never goin’ to forget.”

A tune filled the air – a terrible, shrill version of Patsy Cline’s ‘Crazy’.

“That’ll be them now,” Sanguine said, taking out his phone. He moved slowly, like he expected Skulduggery to start kicking him. Instead, Skulduggery gestured and the phone flew from Sanguine’s hand towards Valkyrie. She caught it, pressed the answer button and held it to her ear.

“Uh, hi,” said a man. She knew the voice from somewhere. “Uh, we may have a slight problem.” It was Vaurien Scapegrace. Of course. It stood to reason he’d be involved in this. “The others kind of, they ate someone. And I know you said not to, but they did it without me knowing so…Basically, they’re acting kind of weird and I’m wondering what I should do.”

Valkyrie covered the mouthpiece and looked at Skulduggery. “It’s Scapegrace,” she said. “He’s outside with the zombies and he says they’re acting strangely. He says they ate someone.”

Sanguine sat up, all colour gone from his face. “They what?”

Skulduggery tilted his head. “Eating people is what zombies tend to do.”

“Not these guys,” Sanguine said. “Let me talk to him.”

“Not a chance,” Valkyrie said.

Sanguine got to his knees. “You have to let me talk to him. I swear to God, you have to. If I tell ‘em to attack, you can shoot me, OK? But I need to talk to him.”

There was panic in his voice, a real fear, and Skulduggery hesitated then gave a nod. Valkyrie tossed Sanguine his phone.

“What do you mean they ate someone?” he said into it. “Who’d they eat? No, I don’t want to know his damn name. I just want to know if it was someone livin’. Oh, you idiot. Oh, you moron. My father told you. He said one thing above all else – do not let them taste human flesh and what did you do? What did you do? Exactly. You’re a moron. You’re lucky you’re already dead.”

Sanguine hung up, put his phone away and looked at them.

“Slight change of plans,” he said. “I ain’t goin’ outside.”

“And why is that?” Skulduggery asked.

Sanguine got to his feet, both hands held open in front of him. “You keep those zombies from eatin’ people an’ they’re fine. They rot, an’ they smell, an’ they get dumber an’ dumber as they go on, but they do what they’re told. But you let ‘em get one mouthful of human flesh, from a livin’ human, and they go native. The only thing on their minds right now is killin’ an’ eatin’ a whole lot of people. Now obviously, that was the threat I was plannin’ on usin’ against you, but I kind of figured I’d be well out of the way before any of this flesh-eatin’ actually took place.”

“So you’re stuck in here,” Shudder said, “with us.”

Sanguine tried a smile. “Ain’t it ironic?”

30 MID-AFTERNOON OF THE DEAD (#ulink_56db36be-534c-52e0-bf79-573877ee63f6)

hey’re coming closer,” Valkyrie said, backing away from the window.