Skulduggery Pleasant: Books 7 - 9

“A noble gesture.”

“I tried to help a mortal.”

“A futile gesture. Why ever would you want to do something silly like that? These cells are filled with noble and silly people like you, plus the mortals they tried to help.”

“Grand Mage, I’m not from here.”

“Sightseeing, are you?”

“I’m not from this reality.”

“Hmph,” said Meritorious. “This place didn’t take long to send you round the bend.”

“I’m not crazy.”

“I’m not judging you, my dear. Some of my best friends are crazy.” He nodded to the corner. “Take Wallace, for example. He’s crazy as a loon, aren’t you, Wallace?”

Valkyrie frowned. “Uh, there’s... there’s no one there.”

Meritorious sighed. “That’s what we long-term prisoners call dungeon humour. You learn to appreciate it after a few years.”

“I’m not crazy, and I’m not lying. I’m from another reality. Look.” She took out her phone and showed it to him. “This is a phone. See the screen? That’s not magic, that’s technology. That’s mortal technology. Have you ever seen anything like it?”

“No,” said Meritorious, “but that might be because I’ve been stuck in this dungeon for the last few decades. What does it do?”

“It lets me talk to people that aren’t here.”

Meritorious looked unimpressed. “We can all do that, my dear girl.”

“Yeah, but they answer me.”

“I’m sure they do.”

“But not in a crazy way,” she said, getting irritated. “It’s for communication. I can talk to anyone around the world with this.”

“Wait, wait, wait,” Meritorious said. “Are you talking about a telephone? My dear, I’ve seen a telephone, and while progress is a wonderful thing, there are some inescapable truths. If that is a telephone, then where are the wires?”

“It doesn’t need any.”

“And yet you say it’s not magic?”

“Telephones don’t need wires any more.”

“Then how does anyone hear you? And how do you dial? Where are the numbers? It’s a very small object to be capable of doing many wonderful things, don’t you think?”

“It does much more than that,” Valkyrie said, opening up a game and showing it to him.

His eyes widened. “What wonder is this?”

“It’s called Angry Birds. Now do you believe me?”

He took a moment. “Mortal technology, eh?”

“They’ve been allowed to flourish,” she said, pocketing the phone. “A Dimensional Shunter sent me here. In the reality I’m from, Mevolent’s been dead for a very long time. Without him enslaving everyone, civilisation has evolved.”

Meritorious nodded. “And this, these Angry Birds, is the pinnacle of mortal evolution?”

“Uh,” she said. “It’s one of them, I suppose...”

“Astonishing. Please forgive my scepticism. From what I know of Shunters, the applications for their powers are limited. The chance of any Shunter even finding another dimension that is liveable is quite remote, never mind a dimension that has run almost parallel.”

“I know how rare it is,” said Valkyrie, “but this guy managed it, and he sent me here.”

“Unfortunate, to say the least. And in your world, Mevolent is dead?”

“Yes. You were there when he died. You were part of it.”

He laughed. “Well, that is heartening to hear. At least some version of me didn’t fail. And you know that version of me, do you? I’m still Grand Mage in your world?”

“You were,” Valkyrie said after a hesitation. “Then you died.”

“Ah.”

“Bravely.”

“So, in the dimension where good triumphs over evil, I’m dead. And in the dimension where evil triumphs over good, I’m in a dungeon. I can’t help but feel slightly aggrieved. Existence, it seems, is a harsh mistress.”

“I think it was Mevolent. That’s the one big difference. In my history, he died. In yours, he didn’t. And then he took over, and everything changed from that moment on.”

“Well, as you can see, in this dimension, he won the war,” said Meritorious. “He either killed or imprisoned those who fought against him. Some escaped his clutches, but not many. From what I’ve been told by my fellow prisoners, the Resistance is not quite as strong as one might believe.”

“If he’s so powerful, how come he hasn’t brought the Faceless Ones back?”

“Thankfully, he hasn’t been able to. Some secrets are still beyond him.”

“What about the Book of Names? Can’t he use it to find out whatever he needs? Or he could just find out his true name, and eventually he’d be so powerful he’d just have to want them to come back and they’d be here.”

“All true,” Meritorious said, nodding. “But the Book of Names has been safely hidden away, and I’m the only one who knows where it is. Why do you think he hasn’t killed me yet, the same way he killed Morwenna and Sagacious?”

“Sagacious Tome?”

“The bravest man I ever met. They tore him limb from limb and he still wouldn’t betray me. Does Sagacious live, in your world?”

Valkyrie thought about going into detail, then decided against it. “No,” she said. “Neither of them does.”

“My poor friends,” Meritorious said. “But at least for them it’s over. He tortures me every few months now. I’ll never tell him, of course, and his psychics will never be able to break my mind. I think he tortures me more out of habit than anything else.”

“But he has Teleporters, doesn’t he? And if he has Teleporters, then he can just open a portal once he has the Grotesquery.”