Freaky Families

Erg knew she would faint. He took the chopstick hurriedly and jammed it in one of the holes in his invention. It must have caught in the works of the clock inside the squashed tin, because, when he wound the handle of the egg-beater, the skewer, the sardine-tin-opener and the mixer-blades all began to turn round, grating and clanking as they turned. It was much more interesting now.

Granny Four smothered a slight yawn and began to look healthier. “We can take such delight in simple things!” she said.

But, just then, a voice shouted “Cooee!” and Granny Two staggered in. She had brought four bags of potatoes, two dozen oranges and a packet of health-food. Granny Four took in the situation and turned faint again. Granny Two took in Granny Four and sprang to her side. “You shouldn’t have come, dear. You look ready to collapse! Come upstairs and lie down and I’ll make you a nice cup of tea.” And she led Granny Four away.

Erg was rather pleased. It looked as if the two Grannies could keep one another busy while he got on with his invention. He went into the kitchen again. This time he collected the cutters from the mincer, the handle of the hot tap, the knobs off the cooker, and the clip that held the bag of the vacuum cleaner together. Most of these things stuck into the holes on top of the biscuit-tin. When Erg wound the egg-beater this time, the tap top, the mincer-cutters and the cooker knobs all twiddled round and round, quite beautifully. The works of the clock clanked. The tin breathed in and out. And everything ground and grated just like a real machine.

Erg was trying to find a place for the clip from the vacuum cleaner, when he looked up into the outraged face of Granny One.

Granny One! Erg looked up again unbelievingly. She was really there. She was putting down her neat suitcase in order to fold her arms grimly.

“You’re on holiday!” he said.

“I cancelled my holiday,” Granny One said grimly. “To look after you. Take all those things back to the kitchen at once.”

“But you’re on holiday,” Erg argued. “You can have a holiday from saying No, if you like.”

“Life is always saying No,” said Granny One. “Take those things back.”

“If Life is always saying No,” Erg argued reasonably, “it’s saying No to me taking them back too.”

But Granny One tapped the floor with her knobby shoe, quite impervious to reason. “I’m waiting. Do as you’re told.”

“Oh, bother you!” said Erg.

That was a mistake. It brought a storm down on Erg’s head. It started with “Don’t you speak to me like that!” and ended with Erg sullenly carrying the invention out into the hall to take it to pieces in the kitchen.

The noise fetched Granny Two down the stairs. She stared at Granny One. “What are you doing here?” said Granny Two.

“My duty,” said Granny One. “I’ve come to look after the children.”

“So have I,” said Granny Two. “I can manage perfectly.”

“Of course you can’t,” said Granny One. “You fuss all the time, and you spoil the children.”

“And you,” said Granny Two, “are cruel to them.”

Granny One had her mouth open to make a blistering reply, when Granny Four tottered down the stairs, faintly wringing her hands. Granny One pointed at her unbelievingly. “Is she here too?”

“Yes, dear, but she can’t manage on her own,” said Granny Two.

“Indeed I can!” Granny Four quavered, clinging to the stair-rail.

“It’s just as well I came,” Granny One said grimly. “I see I shall have to look after the lot of you.”

“I do not need looking after!” Grannies Two and Four said in chorus.

By this time it was clear to Erg that three Grannies kept one another even busier than two. Much relieved, he went into the kitchen. There he put the hot tap top back, and the knobs from the cooker, because he knew Granny One would notice those. Then he went out of the back door and into the living room by the French window and hid the invention safely behind the sofa. Then he went out into the hall again. The Grannies were still insulting one another.

“I didn’t know you all hated one another,” he said.

To his surprise, this stopped the argument at once. All the Grannies turned and assured Erg that they loved one another very much. Then they turned and assured one another. After which, they all went into the kitchen for a cup of tea.

Erg went back to work on his invention behind the sofa. The clip off the vacuum cleaner fitted nicely on the end of the sardine-tin-opener. But the invention needed something else to make it perfect. Erg could not think what it needed. He could not think clearly, because the Grannies were now going up and down stairs, calling out about potatoes and rattling at doors.

Finally, Granny Two came into the living room. “Erg, dear – Oh dear! He’s vanished too. I’m so worried.”

“No I haven’t,” Erg said, bobbing up from behind the sofa. “I’m playing at hiding,” he explained, before Granny Two could ask, “What’s the matter?”

“Emily’s locked herself in the bathroom, dear. Be a dear and go and get her out.”

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Erg sighed and went upstairs. But it was not a wasted journey. The thought of the bathroom put into his head exactly what would make the invention perfect. It needed glass tubes, with blue water bubbling in them, going plotterta-plotterta like inventions did in films. He banged at the bathroom door.

“Go away!” boomed Emily from inside. She sounded tearful. “I’m busy. I’m reading Granny Four’s book.”

“Why are you doing it in there?” Erg asked.

“Because they keep interrupting and asking where to put potatoes and oranges.”

“They want you to come out.”

“I’m not going to,” Emily boomed. “Not till I’ve read it. It’s beautiful. It’s ever so sad.” Erg could hear her sobbing as he went away downstairs.

He went to the kitchen, where the Grannies were sitting among mounds of potatoes and oranges, and told them Emily was reading.

He thought he would never understand Grannies. One by one, they tiptoed to the bathroom, rattled the handle and whispered there was a cup of tea outside. “And don’t hurt your eyes, dear,” Granny Two whispered. “I’m pushing a biscuit under the door for you.”

It seemed to be keeping them busy. Erg sat behind the sofa and got on with thinking how to make blue water go plotterta-plotterta. But he had still not worked it out when Granny Four came and quavered to him that Emily had not touched her tea. Nor had he when Granny Two came to tell him that Emily was ruining her eyes. Nor had he when Granny One came and told him to go out and get some nice fresh air.

Erg was annoyed. He wished he had thought of locking himself in the bathroom too. And he was even more annoyed when Emily at last came out. She came straight to the sofa and crashed heavily down on it with her chin resting on the back.

“What are you making, dear brother?” she said in a sweet cooing voice.

Erg looked up at her suspiciously. There were tear-streaks down Emily’s face and an expression on it even more saintly than Granny Four’s. “What’s the matter with you?” he said.

Emily turned her eyes piously to the ceiling. “I have taken a vow to be good, dear brother,” she said. “It was that beautiful sad book Granny Four gave me. The girl in it was called Emily too, and she was terribly punished for her wickedness.”

“Go away,” said Erg. He was not sure he could bear it if Emily was going to be a saint as well as Granny Four.

“Ah, dear brother,” cooed Emily, “do not spurn me. I must stay and pray for you. You have wickedly taken all the kitchen things for that Thing you’re making.”