Firefighter With A Frozen Heart

Jess gave them both a half smile. “Domesticity has really dulled you two down, hasn’t it?” he asked. “So much ado about a knife?”

“Hey, little brother. Believe me when I tell you there’s nothing dull in this house. In fact, I think you’re about to find out just how un-dull Gracie House is going to be.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Me, Jess. I think Rafe’s referring to the two of us having dinner together.” Julie looked at Edie. “Molly let me in, by the way. Hope that was okay? Oh, and I brought non-alcoholic sparkling grape juice. Knew you couldn’t do wine, but I thought this might go well with the spaghetti.” She held the two bottles out to Edie, but Jess was the one who took them and marched straight to the refrigerator on the other side of the room—as far away from Julie as anyone in the kitchen could get without opening the back door and continuing on into the yard.

“Thank you. So, I take it you and Jess remember each other?” Edie asked, with a sly wink at Rafe.

“Actually, we had the chance to catch up with each other just a few days ago … in New York,” Julie said. She was clearly not as uncomfortable as Jess was at this meeting. If anything, she was almost too noncommittal. Trying too hard to stay unaffected. “In the back of my ambulance. He was my very last patient as a paramedic.”

“So, that’s how it was. Jess was your patient.” He arched an amused eyebrow at his brother. “Bet he wasn’t a very good one, was he?”

“No, he wasn’t.”

“Did you have to strap him down?”

“Do you two realize I’m standing right here?” Jess cut in.

“Sure we do, little brother. But since you’re not contributing to the conversation—”

“Look,” Julie interrupted. “It’s clear I’m the outsider here. How about I take a rain check for another night? That way Jess will be able to enjoy the lovely meal Edie has prepared without getting tied up in knots having me sitting on the opposite side of the table from him.”

“If anyone should leave, it’s me,” Jess said. “You’re the guest, I’m just the—”

“You’re both overreacting,” Edie broke in. “This is a meal. A simple meal. That’s all. Food, conversation … don’t read anything else into it. Molly’s excited, having both of you come to dinner, and we’re not going to disappoint her. So, Jess, have a seat at the table. Julie, sit anywhere you’d like. Rafe, go tell Molly dinner’s ready.” She sucked in a deep breath, then dropped down into one of the kitchen chairs. “Oh, and in case you didn’t notice, we’re eating in here tonight. I didn’t want to make it formal by setting the dining room. So relax, be casual.” She smiled sweetly. “Sit with your backs to each other, if you must. But let me warn you. I have a ton of food, and neither of you is going anywhere until that spaghetti platter is clean.”

Julie laughed. “I think I can manage my fair share, in spite of Jess being here.”

“Ditto,” Jess grumbled.

“Do you two want some time to air some dirty laundry before we eat?” Edie asked. “Because you’re welcome to use the den.”

“No laundry, dirty or otherwise,” Jess said, taking his place at the table.

Julie took her spot diagonally across from Jess. “None at all. Not one single, solitary piece of it.”

“Why don’t I believe you?”

“So I suppose now’s the time to ask,” Jess said. He’d followed Julie halfway to her car, trying to decide what to do. Truth was, he didn’t know what was proper here. They’d made it through dinner, kept the conversation light enough. But those sideways glances he’d caught her giving him … no mistaking her feelings. Now here they were, ex-lovers, ex-friends—Jess wasn’t even sure what they were—standing six feet apart in the driveway on a starless night where the moon didn’t even have the decency to exit its cloud cover, both of them so stiff they wouldn’t have even swayed in a wind squall. “Ask what?”

“Several things, I think. First, how are you?” “After all these years, that’s the best you can do?” “Okay, let me try something else. How have you been getting along?”

“You mean, how have I been getting along without you? Is that what you want to know?”

“Okay, stupid question. Let me try again.”

“There’s nothing to try, Jess. If there were, you would have tried it, or said it, the other day in the ambulance. But you didn’t.”

“Because you told me to shut up.”

Julie shook her head. “Look, let me make this easy on you. I live in Lilly Lake now, work at the hospital you own, and that may put us into close proximity from time to time. Which means we need to learn how to deal with … us. What we were, what we weren’t.”

“What we were, Julie, were kids, doing the things kids do.”

“Not all kids do what we did. I mean, I’m assuming you’re not forgetting …”

“No, I’m not forgetting. Believe me, I’ve thought about us, about what happened, over and over all these years. Thought about how it could have turned out differently, where we might be now, if it had. The thing is, I’m not that same person, Julie. I’ve lived a lifetime since then, had regrets you can’t even begin to imagine, and all I can say to you right now is that I’m sorry. I was a stupid, thoughtless kid. I should have trusted you more. But I didn’t. I said some bad things and I am sorry.”

“So am I,” she said, her voice flat. “Sorry you thought I was trying to trap you, but I’m also sorry I didn’t tell you the truth sooner than I did. And that I didn’t get to apologize. But you left me, Jess. You walked away from me and never gave me the chance.”

Jess shut his eyes, heaved out a heavy sigh. “You were sixteen, Julie. I was seventeen. We really didn’t have a lot of choices. And you didn’t have anything to apologize for.” He opened his eyes to look at her, but she had turned away from him, staring at her car. “There really wasn’t a right or a wrong way to get through it, and I suppose all either one of us can say about it now is that we did the best we could.”

“Or maybe there was a better way, and we just didn’t take enough time to figure it out. Anyway, you said you’re not the same person you were back then, and I’m certainly not the same person I was, so let’s just not dwell on the things we messed up. Okay? I have a good life going. A great life, thanks to your aunt. She was everything to me, Jess, and because of that, I don’t want to fight with you. So can we agree to be cordial with each other?” She truly wanted to add not looking back to that request, but she had looked back, more than once over the years, and she always would. Because there’d been a few days when she’d dreamed of being a wife and mother. Those dreams had made her happy, probably the happiest she’d ever been because she’d been in love with Jess. Totally, completely in love. With the qualifier that it had been the love of a rather immature sixteen-year-old. With a baby on the way … Or so she’d thought until the test had come back negative.

The dream had come and gone so quickly. It had taken her some time to come to terms with it, come to terms with the end of her future fantasy life, but the day she’d gone to tell Jess the truth … She still had nightmares. What she’d done to him, the pain she’d caused him …

Her pain, too. But she’d thrown herself into making a better life. And succeeded. Which was why she was surprised by her feelings now. Surprised by the pain that was slipping its way back in. Seeing Jess again was good, but it hurt.

“Cordial is good,” Jess agreed. “I’m not expecting anything. Don’t deserve anything. And, God knows, you’ve got every right to hate me. What I did was inexcusable.”

“No, it wasn’t. Like you said, we were kids.” Kids who never got a chance to be kids. Maybe that’s why their emotions had been so intense. At such young ages, they’d both known so much pain. “Anyway, it doesn’t matter now. But I’m curious. Did Grace ever know I thought I was pregnant? Did you ever tell her?”

Jess shook his head. “I never told her, but she probably knew anyway. That’s how she was.”

Yes, that’s how she had been. “Well, that was around the same time she started talking to me about making real plans for my life, trying to show me some options for finding a better way. Anyway … I need to get going. I’m heading back in to work the night shift in a little while, and I’d like to run home and grab a quick shower first. So … I’m glad you’re feeling better after that incident in New York. And I’m really glad you have such a good family here to take care of you while you’re recovering. You’re a lucky man.”

“Well, I’ll be here next week for spaghetti night, and I’m sure my family would love to have you come back, if you can. So maybe I’ll see you around …”

“Maybe,” she said, heading for her car. Although she wasn’t sure she wanted to. Or wasn’t sure if she could. Because right now her head was spinning and her chest hurt. All she wanted to do was get into her car, drive away and go someplace where she could cry for the things that had never been, and the things that never could be. All of them about Jess.

Puttering his way along the back road, Jess wasn’t in any particular hurry to return to his cabin. It wasn’t that he minded being alone. That’s the way he spent most of his life now. In many ways, it was preferable. Getting involved, having someone be the center of his life … what was the point? As much as he’d loved Donna, he hadn’t been able to make the real commitment to her, the one every future bride should expect from the man she’d consented to marry. He’d tried. Gotten involved in the plans, smiled when she’d talked about the dream. Their dream. But she’d known he’d been struggling with all that … permanence. Had asked him about it, even though he’d denied it. Yet it had been something he hadn’t been able to hide, and the closer they’d got to that permanence, the more it had shown on him. Then he’d hurt her and for that he’d never forgive himself. She’d loved him and in return he’d broken her heart.

Was that what she’d been thinking about when she was killed—her broken heart, his inability to be everything she deserved?

Even now, two years after Donna’s death, there wasn’t a day that went by when he didn’t replay those last few moments with her. Could he have done something different? Been different for her? Maybe faked the feelings? Faked the whole happy with the domestic lifestyle thing until he had settled in and it had become a habit?

Donna Ingram. Beautiful. Smart. Full of life. She’d always led with her heart and, in so many ways, he envied that. All she’d wanted had been a normal life with a man who’d never had normal in his life. Impossible odds, as it had turned out. And overwhelming regrets.

Tonight Donna was on his mind, as she often was. Tonight, though, Julie Clark was also on his mind, but for other reasons. Julie had been his first love and, once upon a time, they’d made plans, too. Sure, their plans had been childish. They’d talked about running away together. Or maybe getting jobs and saving their money so they could backpack or bike across America, or Canada, or the whole of Europe. Impractical plans that had seemed so real and so exciting for a short time. But then Julie had thought she was pregnant, and, stupid kid that he was, he’d been thrown for a big curve. So he’d taken the easy way out by listening to his dad. It’s a trap, Jess. That’s all it is. She’s setting a trap for you. So, don’t be stupid, son. Kick her to the curb before it’s too late, before she ruins your life. Yeah, great advice from a drunk child abuser and overall mean slimeball of a man who’d masqueraded as the town doctor. The hell of it was, he’d listened. He’d accused, he kicked, then he’d run. What a jerk!

But that was only the first time. He’d pretty much done the same thing with Donna, hadn’t he? Maybe not kicking her to the curb so much as edging her there. Being gentle, trying not to hurt her in the process. But it was all the same and, in the end, he’d hurt her anyway.

Now, tonight, an entire lifetime of miserable failures was poking him from every side, and he just wasn’t in the mood to be poked alone. So, turning off the main road, Jess headed back to Lilly Lake. Brassard’s Pub was as good place as any to be in a bad mood. He didn’t drink, didn’t smoke, didn’t care to play darts. But he craved the noise. Wanted it all around him. Wanted it to permeate every pore in his body, reminding him that he was still alive since he wasn’t even so sure about that. So, yes, Brassard’s was the place. Loud jukebox, louder bartender, and on a good night, a crowd that could be heard halfway over to the next county. Yes, it was exactly where he wanted to be.

“Jess!” the bartender yelled across the noisy room. The owner-bartender, Will Brassard, was also head of the Lilly Lake Volunteer Fire Department. “I heard you inhaled.”

Jess thought about waving him off in favor of an isolated corner, but Will was a nice guy, married to a nice woman, father of some nice kids. Living the life Jess had thought he’d have by now. “Twice,” he shouted back. “I inhaled twice.”