Saving All My Lovin'

Ann Marie drew in a sharp, pain-filled breath when she heard the door slam shut.

On a night like tonight, with the day she’d had, she would have sought comfort in the arms of her man. But she didn’t have one.

A lie, or at least the omission of the truth, lost Phil to her. A secret, or maybe it was a lie now, lost her daughter to her as well.

She’d been so good at keeping secrets. Only sharing parts of herself that she wanted the world to see—including her closest friends. Secrets had sustained her, helped her to believe that her reality wasn’t true. Over the years she’d convinced herself that her life was perfect, just the way she wanted it. But there was a hole in her soul that she’d been unable to fill with men, work, fancy clothes, a good job. Nothing could stuff that gaping abyss.

She wanted to love and be loved but she didn’t know how. At times she believed that she was saving all her love for the right time, the right person. When the ice between her and Raquel had finally been broken, she momentarily thought that perhaps the love she’d been seeking had been found.

But love was the great betrayer. She’d loved her mother. She’d loved her husband. She’d begun to allow herself to love her daughter. They all betrayed her. They took her fragile emotions and crushed them, believing that Ann Marie Dennis Bishop didn’t need their love and affection. She was strong and independent.

She picked up a wine glass from the shelf of the étagère and threw it across the room. It smashed against the wall and cascaded into sparkling pieces.

What did they know? What did any of them know?

Barbara woke to the sound of a ringing telephone. She squinted at the digital clock on her bedside. 2:00 a.m. She groaned and fumbled for the phone.

“Hello,” she answered her voice thick with sleep.

“Hey baby.”

She blinked several times and turned on her side, a soft smile forming around her mouth. “Hey babe, yourself. Is everything okay?”

“Yeah, everything is fine. I know it’s late. But I’m just getting in. Listen, I want you to fly out to L.A. I’m going to be here for about a week and I want to show you off to the fellas.”

Barbara pushed herself up into a half-sitting position and leaned on her elbow. “California?”

“Yeah, I’m doing a commercial before I head out to Florida with the rest of the team.”

“Mike…I’d love to but—”

“No buts. When was the last time you took an all expense paid, spur of the moment trip?”

She giggled. “I can’t say that I have.”

“My point exactly. We could have some fun. You get to relax. I get to wine and dine you…and in between…”

She sighed as she imagined being in some fancy hotel with her rich and famous NBA fiancé, being courted around town in style. She’d definitely have some stories to tell the girls when she got back.

The girls. The spa. Her job.

“Mike, the spa just opened. We have our hands full. I mean today alone I must have done two dozen massages. We’re already looking to hire staff.”

He didn’t respond.

“Mike?”

“Yeah, well, important things first.”

“Don’t be like that.”

“Like what? Aggravated that you’d rather run your hands all over some other man rather than your own?”

She flinched away from the sharp edge of his tongue. “Michael! You know better than that. It’s my job.”

He muttered something she didn’t quite catch.

“Do I tell you not to attend the after parties or sign autographs for the sweet young things that are all over you after a game?” She was wide awake now.

“That’s different.”

“Really?” Her sarcastic tone was lost on him.

“Look, forget it. It was a stupid idea. I just thought it would be fun for both of us.”

Barbara squeezed her eyes shut against the sound of hurt and disappointment in his voice.

“I’ll see if I can get rid of the airline tickets. Maybe one of my teammates can use them.”

Tickets? He’d already bought her tickets? Guilt climbed on top of her chest and sat there tapping its foot.

She’d have to find a way to make it up to him.

“Mike…as soon as things settle down on this end and I can hire someone to take over for me at the spa…and I can give my job enough notice…I’d be happy to go anywhere in the world with you,” she said in her most cajoling, please-understand tone.

He breathed heavily into the phone. “When we’re married, you’re not going to have to worry about any of this stuff.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean worrying about a job and obligations to other people. You’ll have me and enough money to do what you want, when you want.”

Concern nudged her. She jerked from it, frowned then swatted it away but it settled on the bed next to her and made itself comfortable, right next to her good sense.

She didn’t like the feeling and it wasn’t the first time it had reared its head when it came to Michael.

“Sounds like something we should really talk about when you’re here in New York.” She yawned, hoping the hint would get him off the phone. She wanted the call to end before something was said that couldn’t be taken back.

“Yeah, you’re right, baby. I shouldn’t have put all this on you in the middle of the night. That was real selfish of me.” His voice lowered to the deep timber that always left her weak. “I guess I’m missing you too much.”

That tight spot in the center of her chest softened.

“You accept my apology?”

“Mike you have nothing to apologize for. It was a sweet offer. Really. And if it was any other time, I would go in a heartbeat.”

He chuckled. “I know. Look, you get your beautiful self some rest. I’ll try to call you tomorrow.”

“When will you be back?”