Hate Me Now, Thank Me Later: How to raise your kid with love and limits

—Marc, divorced dad

“The only way to make adulthood hard is to make childhood too easy.”

—Betsy Brown Braun, parenting educator and author

Parents today have way too long a fuse for bad behavior. Some mums seem to have an inordinate amount of patience for withstanding endless negotiations and tantrums, making them seem almost like Stepford Mums. A child whines and negotiates ad nauseam, and parents just keep on listening.

“I mean, how many more ‘if you do that one more time’s can we hear from this generation?”

—Kari, grandmother

What shocks me is how charmed parents are when their kids negotiate. They seem delighted by their kids’ smarts rather than drained by their relentless lobbying. Life’s simplest tasks, like going to bed or leaving the park, become fifteen-minute arguments. It is exhausting.

The power structure has capsized, and many kids are drowning. They are talking faster and faster to get their way, and it is stressful for everyone. Parents constantly ask me how to restore order.

The best way to stop a little debater in his tracks is a tool I call reverse negotiation. It works like a charm. Here is how it is done: you tell your child that negotiating will no longer be tolerated. If you are thinking that it’s not that simple, you would be right. But wait, there is more—you add that when your child negotiates, not only does he not get what he was asking for, but he gets less than what he started with. Let’s give it a whirl:

PARENT: Bedtime is at eight.

CHILD: I want to stay up until eight thirty.

PARENT: No, it’s eight.

CHILD: I want to stay up later.

PARENT: Now bedtime is seven forty-five.

CHILD: Fine, I’ll take eight.

PARENT: Now bedtime is at seven thirty.

You must stick to this revised bedtime. Cement it in, no parental trade-backs. Don’t be the parent who cried wolf. Aaaah . . . Silence. All is quiet, all is well. It is as if suddenly you turned off the music on a grating radio station. If you really follow through, the little debater will vanish, and in his place will be a lovely child, snuggled in his cozy pajamas and ready for bed. Poof! Magically, the endless “if you do that one more time” tune is no longer playing in your head.

“Sometimes love says no.”

—Marianne Williamson, spiritual leader, author

Ways to Think about No. Shrink-Tested and Mother-Approved

No.

No is a complete sentence.

No, that’s my final answer.

No does not begin a negotiation.

No cannot mean “maybe.”

Center of the Universe

Let’s first be clear what your job as parent is not: grande-size playdate, entertainment center in 3-D, and, most of all, human pacifier. If you are catering to your child’s every whim, you could be paving the way for a very entitled child who lacks empathy. Let’s step back for a moment and think of the message we are sending to the children who are having tantrums at Starbucks or the birthday party. We are basically saying to them, Whine louder, throw a bigger fit, and you will have a cookie and chocolate milk to go with your vanilla ice cream, now that all the pieces of cookie dough have been picked out!

Teaching children empathy and that the world does not revolve around them are pretty great life lessons.

I would have loved to whisper a play-by-play in Suzie’s mum’s ears:

Step 1: Take a moment to calm yourself first.

Step 2: Acknowledge the feeling. “I know that you are disappointed.”

Step 3: Set the limit. “It is not OK to act like this.”

Step 4: Give an opportunity to self-regulate. “You can pick one of these two desserts.”

Step 5: State a firm consequence. “If you can’t control your behavior, we are going to leave the party.”

Step 6: Follow through. Shock the parent police and actually leave. Thunderous applause will erupt.

“You have to be willing to leave the party. If your kid is acting up, you have to pull the plug. You have to let a child know that your threats aren’t empty. You would earn some cool points with the other mums if you threaten to leave and actually follow through.”

—Mother of three

What Suzie needed were some clear limits that it is not OK to be demanding and bully people to get your needs met. She had to learn how to handle the disappointment of not getting exactly what she wanted and how to be flexible and compromise. Her mum should have tolerated her daughter’s disappointment without rushing in to fix it.

Always keep your eye on the message: What am I teaching my child? In the throes of a conflict, see if you can take a deep breath, push pause, and reflect. Now push fast-forward: Am I helping to foster the qualities in my child that I value? Is how I am reacting now helpful in the long run or am I just throwing a barking dog a bone? Had Suzie’s mum properly disciplined her child, that would have been the sweetest and most lasting lesson.

Your parenting should not be guided by your children’s reactions. That’s the wrong compass. You are wiser, older, and have better judgment. Don’t let them wear you down and don’t let their escalating agitation fuel yours.

“My daughter yelled one day, ‘Just because I ask, doesn’t mean that you have to say yes. Just say no, Mum.’ I was mortified!”

—Mother of one

We are clearly seeing a generation of more entitled kids. On her first day at work, a babysitter asked the mum for instructions in caring for her seven-year-old son. The reply: “Let him be the boss and you’ll have an easy day.” The day might be easier for the sitter, but I can assure you life will be rougher for the boy. That same afternoon, the babysitter told him that he had to pick up his toys. He retorted, “I am going to tell my mum and she is going to fire you.”

It is unbecoming—no, that is too PC—it is obnoxious for a child to have that much power. This boy’s attitude is so out of whack with reality. And as he grows, that overdeveloped sense of importance will be disruptive in school and unappealing to potential employers. Learning the hierarchy at home enables children to respect the hierarchy of school, workplaces, and life in general.

One way to make children understand they are not entitled to everything is to say no to things they want but clearly don’t need.

A mum did battle over a bathing suit in Bloomingdale’s. Her thirteen-year-old was lobbying hard for a designer suit. The mum took one look at the price and said no. She explained: “I am not buying you an expensive bathing suit that you will quickly outgrow.”

He begged and grew upset when she wouldn’t budge. “I don’t understand why you will not buy that for me. You can afford it.”

She responded: “I know I can afford it, but I don’t value it. You can sue me one day for teaching you values.” The boy replied, “OK, you win.” You have to be willing to hold your ground, to follow through and do what is right for your child, not what is easier in the moment.

Following through some times but not others spells disaster. In psychiatry we call this variable reinforcement, which means that a response is reinforced in an unpredictable manner. Gambling is a great example. You put a coin in a slot machine and sometimes you will hit the jackpot, but many times you won’t, and you keep coming back just in case. Variable reinforcement can keep us stuck in bad behaviors. If your child feels that your threats are empty and that every once in a while you might follow through, it will be very hard to discipline effectively. If you say no, but only enforce it every fifth time, your words mean nothing.

Kids learn best with consistent follow-through, what we call a fixed ratio. They learn to trust that you do what you say and say what you mean. If you don’t follow through, you can seem unreliable in your child’s eyes. How we reinforce behavior has a dramatic effect on how our children act, respond, and ultimately behave. Discipline works best when it is consistent. It is amazing how quickly you can turn behavior around with reliable follow-through.