Four Short Plays

THE RECTOR. Yes, yes, Jarvis – quite – quite right!

JARVIS. Yes, sir. I've – I've got a 'abit that way at my time o' life.

MAUD. [Sharply] How long have they been here, Jarvis?

JARVIS. Well – er – a matter of three weeks, m'm.

[A slight involuntary stir.]

[Apologetic] Of course, in my profession I can't afford to take notice of whether there's the trifle of a ring between 'em, as the sayin' is. 'Tisn't 'ardly my business like.

[A silence.]

LADY ELLA. [Suddenly] Er – thank you, Jarvis; you needn't wait.

JARVIS. No, m'lady. Your service, sir – service, m'm.

[He goes. A silence.]

THE SQUIRE. [Drawing a little closer] Three weeks? I say – er – wasn't there a book?

THE RECTOR. [Abstracted] Three weeks – I certainly haven't seen them in church.

MAUD. A trifle of a ring!

LADY ELLA. [Impulsively] Oh, bother! I'm sure she's all right. And if she isn't, I don't care. She's been much too splendid.

THE SQUIRE. Must think of the village. Didn't quite like the doctor's way of puttin' us off.

LADY ELLA. The poor darling owes his life to her.

THE SQUIRE. H'm! Dash it! Yes! Can't forget the way she ran into that stinkin' pond.

MAUD. Had she a wedding-ring on?

[They look at each other, but no one knows.]

LADY ELLA. Well, I'm not going to be ungrateful.

THE SQUIRE. It'd be dashed awkward – mustn't take a false step, Ella.

THE RECTOR. And I've got his braces! [He puts his hand to his waist.]

MAUD. [Warningly] Bertie!

THE SQUIRE. That's all right, Rector – we're goin' to be perfectly polite, and – and – thank her, and all that.

LADY ELLA. We can see she's a good sort. What does it matter?

MAUD. My dear Ella! "What does it matter!" We've got to know.

THE RECTOR. We do want light.

THE SQUIRE. I'll ring the bell. [He rings.]

[They look at each other aghast.]

LADY ELLA. What did you ring for, Tommy?

THE SQUIRE. [Flabbergasted] God knows!

MAUD. Somebody'll come.

THE SQUIRE. Rector – you – you've got to —

MAUD. Yes, Bertie.

THE RECTOR. Dear me! But – er – what – er – How?

THE SQUIRE. [Deeply-to himself] The whole thing's damn delicate.

[The door right is opened and a MAID appears. She is a determined-looking female. They face her in silence.]

THE RECTOR. Er – er – your master is not in?

THE MAID. No. 'E's gone up to London.

THE RECTOR. Er – Mr Challenger, I think?

THE MAID. Yes.

THE RECTOR. Yes! Er – quite so

THE MAID. [Eyeing them] D'you want – Mrs Challenger?

THE RECTOR. Ah! Not precisely —

THE SQUIRE. [To him in a low, determined voice] Go on.

THE RECTOR. [Desperately] I asked because there was a – a – Mr. Challenger I used to know in the 'nineties, and I thought – you wouldn't happen to know how long they've been married? My friend marr —

THE MAID. Three weeks.

THE RECTOR. Quite so – quite so! I shall hope it will turn out to be – Er – thank you – Ha!

LADY ELLA. Our dog has been fighting with the Rector's, and Mrs Challenger rescued him; she's bathing his ear. We're waiting to thank her. You needn't —

THE MAID. [Eyeing them] No.