Beyond

“Hurry up, then, and saddle Hotspur.”

“Yes, sir; very good, sir.”

Over two hours! He went up on to the downs, by the way they generally came home, and for an hour he rode, keeping a sharp lookout for any sign of her. No use; and he turned home, hot and uneasy. On the hall table were her riding-whip and gloves. His heart cleared, and he ran upstairs. She was doing her hair and turned her head sharply as he entered. Hurrying across the room he had the absurd feeling that she was standing at bay. She drew back, bent her face away from him, and said:

“No! Don’t pretend! Anything’s better than pretence!”

He had never seen her look or speak like that – her face so hard, her eyes so stabbing! And he recoiled dumbfounded.

“What’s the matter, Gyp?”

“Nothing. Only – don’t pretend!” And, turning to the glass, she went on twisting and coiling up her hair.

She looked lovely, flushed from her ride in the wind, and he had a longing to seize her in his arms. But her face stopped him. With fear and a sort of anger, he said:

“You might explain, I think.”

An evil little smile crossed her face.

“YOU can do that. I am in the dark.”

“I don’t in the least understand what you mean.”

“Don’t you?” There was something deadly in her utter disregard of him, while her fingers moved swiftly about her dark, shining hair – something so appallingly sudden in this hostility that Summerhay felt a peculiar sensation in his head, as if he must knock it against something. He sat down on the side of the bed. Was it that letter? But how? It had not been opened. He said:

“What on earth has happened, Gyp, since I went up yesterday? Speak out, and don’t keep me like this!”

She turned and looked at him.

“Don’t pretend that you’re upset because you can’t kiss me! Don’t be false, Bryan! You know it’s been pretence for months.”

Summerhay’s voice grew high.

“I think you’ve gone mad. I don’t know what you mean.”

“Oh, yes, you do. Did you get a letter yesterday marked ‘Immediate’?”

Ah! So it WAS that! To meet the definite, he hardened, and said stubbornly:

“Yes; from Diana Leyton. Do you object?”

“No; only, how do you think it got back to you from here so quickly?”

He said dully:

“I don’t know. By post, I suppose.”

“No; I put it in your letter-box myself – at half-past five.”

Summerhay’s mind was trained to quickness, and the full significance of those words came home to him at once. He stared at her fixedly.

“I suppose you saw us, then.”

“Yes.”

He got up, made a helpless movement, and said:

“Oh, Gyp, don’t! Don’t be so hard! I swear by – ”

Gyp gave a little laugh, turned her back, and went on coiling at her hair. And again that horrid feeling that he must knock his head against something rose in Summerhay. He said helplessly:

“I only gave her tea. Why not? She’s my cousin. It’s nothing! Why should you think the worst of me? She asked to see my chambers. Why not? I couldn’t refuse.”

“Your EMPTY chambers? Don’t, Bryan – it’s pitiful! I can’t bear to hear you.”

At that lash of the whip, Summerhay turned and said:

“It pleases you to think the worst, then?”

Gyp stopped the movement of her fingers and looked round at him.

“I’ve always told you you were perfectly free. Do you think I haven’t felt it going on for months? There comes a moment when pride revolts – that’s all. Don’t lie to me, PLEASE!”

“I am not in the habit of lying.” But still he did not go. That awful feeling of encirclement, of a net round him, through which he could not break – a net which he dimly perceived even in his resentment to have been spun by himself, by that cursed intimacy, kept from her all to no purpose – beset him more closely every minute. Could he not make her see the truth, that it was only her he REALLY loved? And he said:

“Gyp, I swear to you there’s nothing but one kiss, and that was not – ”

A shudder went through her from head to foot; she cried out:

“Oh, please go away!”

He went up to her, put his hands on her shoulders, and said:

“It’s only you I really love. I swear it! Why don’t you believe me? You must believe me. You can’t be so wicked as not to. It’s foolish – foolish! Think of our life – think of our love – think of all – ” Her face was frozen; he loosened his grasp of her, and muttered: “Oh, your pride is awful!”

“Yes, it’s all I’ve got. Lucky for you I have it. You can go to her when you like.”

“Go to her! It’s absurd – I couldn’t – If you wish, I’ll never see her again.”

She turned away to the glass.

“Oh, don’t! What IS the use?”

Nothing is harder for one whom life has always spoiled than to find his best and deepest feelings disbelieved in. At that moment, Summerhay meant absolutely what he said. The girl was nothing to him! If she was pursuing him, how could he help it? And he could not make Gyp believe it! How awful! How truly terrible! How unjust and unreasonable of her! And why? What had he done that she should be so unbelieving – should think him such a shallow scoundrel? Could he help the girl’s kissing him? Help her being fond of him? Help having a man’s nature? Unreasonable, unjust, ungenerous! And giving her a furious look, he went out.

He went down to his study, flung himself on the sofa and turned his face to the wall. Devilish! But he had not been there five minutes before his anger seemed childish and evaporated into the chill of deadly and insistent fear. He was perceiving himself up against much more than a mere incident, up against her nature – its pride and scepticism – yes – and the very depth and singleness of her love. While she wanted nothing but him, he wanted and took so much else. He perceived this but dimly, as part of that feeling that he could not break through, of the irritable longing to put his head down and butt his way out, no matter what the obstacles. What was coming? How long was this state of things to last? He got up and began to pace the room, his hands clasped behind him, his head thrown back; and every now and then he shook that head, trying to free it from this feeling of being held in chancery. And then Diana! He had said he would not see her again. But was that possible? After that kiss – after that last look back at him! How? What could he say – do? How break so suddenly? Then, at memory of Gyp’s face, he shivered. Ah, how wretched it all was! There must be some way out – some way! Surely some way out! For when first, in the wood of life, fatality halts, turns her dim dark form among the trees, shows her pale cheek and those black eyes of hers, shows with awful swiftness her strange reality – men would be fools indeed who admitted that they saw her!

IX