Why Mars and Venus Collide: Improve Your Relationships by Understanding How Men and Women Cope Differently with Stress

Why Mars and Venus Collide: Improve Your Relationships by Understanding How Men and Women Cope Differently with Stress
John Gray

From John Gray, author of the phenomenal multi-million copy bestseller Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, comes the definitive book for men and women seeking lasting love in the face of modern pressures.Why Mars and Venus Collide is the most important relationships manual since Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus redefined the boundaries of male and female relationships.Men and women are different – we all know that. But if our genes have stood still then social changes have not. Overworked, stressed-out and time-poor, we can barely keep up with the frenzied pace of our lives – and our relationships are breaking down as a result.In Why Mars and Venus Collide, John Gray, the best-selling relationships author of all time, shows how everyone can strengthen their relationships and make them last.He explains:• Why couples fight – the physiological reasons why females and males behave differently under stress,• How to stop fighting,• How to seek support – and find it,• How to lower your stress levels in everyday life,• How to communicate equably and amicably, even when you’re raging inside.Now repackaged to relate to a new generation of readers, Why Mars And Venus Collide proves why John Gray is known as the greatest living authority on how men and women relate.

Also by John Gray

Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus

This book is dedicated with deepest love and affection to my wife, Bonnie Gray.

Her love has supported me to be the best I can be and share with others what we have learned together.

CONTENTS

Title Page (#u14148637-c6c6-58f5-9ad2-94eb0d504cb6)

Dedication (#uf8008cca-0582-5b01-aafb-781cda202ee2)

Acknowledgments (#u46102896-2b0a-5142-b31c-370e89549dfe)

Introduction (#uc3ef9bb3-5033-59e4-a1ae-436a2f170d9b)

CHAPTER ONE Why Mars and Venus Collide (#u379901f7-4b4b-5bf6-831a-90dac4f274e6)

CHAPTER TWO Hardwired to Be Different (#u42e2d832-6817-5dea-8998-e27dcc470858)

CHAPTER THREE Stress Hormones from Mars and Venus (#litres_trial_promo)

CHAPTER FOUR A Woman’s Never-Ending To-Do List (#litres_trial_promo)

CHAPTER FIVE The 90/10 Solution (#litres_trial_promo)

CHAPTER SIX Mr. Fix-It and the Home Improvement Committee (#litres_trial_promo)

CHAPTER SEVEN The Anatomy of a Fight (#litres_trial_promo)

CHAPTER EIGHT How to Stop Fighting and Make Up (#litres_trial_promo)

CHAPTER NINE Talking about Feelings in a Fight-Free Zone (#litres_trial_promo)

CHAPTER TEN Looking for Love in All the Right Places (#litres_trial_promo)

CONCLUSION Creating a Lifetime of Love (#litres_trial_promo)

Sources (#litres_trial_promo)

Appendix A: Reducing Stress through Cellular Cleansing (#litres_trial_promo)

Appendix B: Creating the Brain Chemicals of Health, Happiness, and Romance (#litres_trial_promo)

Appendix C: Mars Venus Coaching and Counseling (#litres_trial_promo)

About the Author (#litres_trial_promo)

Copyright (#litres_trial_promo)

About the Publisher (#litres_trial_promo)

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

I thank my wife, Bonnie, for sharing the journey of developing this book with me. She has been a great teacher as well as my biggest fan. She is a tremendous source of insight, and her capacity to love is a great inspiration. I thank her for expanding my ability to understand and honor the female point of view. This perspective has not only enriched our life together but also provides the foundation for the many insights in this book.

I thank our three daughters—Shannon and her husband, Jon Myers; Juliet and her husband, Dan Levinson; and Lauren—for their continuous love and support. Our many conversations have definitely enriched my perspective on what it means to be a young woman today. The love we share and the many challenges they have each overcome have helped anchor the many practical ideas in Why Mars and Venus Collide. I also thank our new grandchild Sophia Rose for the new grace and delight she has brought to our family.

I thank my staff and team, Bonnie Gray, Juliet Levinson, Jeff Owens, Melanie Gorman, Dean Levin, Neil Dickens, Ellie Coren, and Sherrie Natrass for their consistant support and hard work in organizing and producing my talks, seminars, columns, TV show, radio show, infomercial, nutritional product development and distribution, MarsVenus.com (http://MarsVenus.com) Web site, AskMarsVenus.com (http://AskMarsVenus.com) telephone coaching, MarsVenusDating.com, Mars Venus Coaching training program, MarsVenusGoCleanse.com, and Mars Venus Wellness Retreats. For a small group of people, you do a lot. I also want to thank the hundreds of supportive people who help our team bring this message to the world.

I thank my editors, Kathryn Huck and Diane Reverand, for their brilliant feedback, advice, and editorial expertise, and the CEO of HarperCollins, Jane Friedman, and publisher Jonathan Burnham for their vision and encouragement. I thank Steven Kunkes, M.D., for reviewing the scientific chapters to make sure I had it all right.

The ideas in this book are certainly inspired by my own personal experiences in creating a loving relationship and in helping others do the same, but without the thousands of people who have generously shared their insights, experiences, and research it could never have been so rich. Each page has some jewel of wisdom that I have cherished hearing, and I know you, the reader, will as well. To gather these ideas, it has taken a team of dedicated health, happiness, and relationship teachers, writers, coaches, researchers, therapists, doctors, nurses, patients, and seminar participants over thirty years to refine and develop. Much of this work in developing the new ideas of Why Mars and Venus Collide was done through special gatherings and seminars at the Mars Venus Wellness Center in northern California during the past five years.

I thank the colleagues and experts who have aided me during my research: Dr. Daniel G. Amen, John and Cher Anderson, Jack Canfield, Warren Farrell, Jim and Kathy Cover, Tony and Randi Escobar, Dr. Solar Farahmand, Dr. Mitzi Gold, Dr. Dennis Harper, Dr. William Hitt, Peter and Sarah Greenwall, Dr. Tom McNeillis, Dr. Gary Gordon, Ron Reid, Dr. Brian Turner, Harv Ecker, and Dr. Cynthia Watson.

I thank the thousands of people who have shared their personal experiences, concerns, and comments. Their enthusiasm with this material has motivated me and given me the confidence to write this book.

I thank my many friends and family members for their support and helpful suggestions: Robert Gray, Tom Gray, David Gray, and Virginia Gray, Darren and Jackie Stephens, Clifford McGuire, Ian and Ellen Coren, Martin and Josie Brown, Andrea and Reggie Henkart, Mirra Rose, Lee Shapiro, Gary Quinton, Russ and Carol Burns, Rhonda Collier, Rami El Batrawi, Sherrie Bettie, Max and Karen Langenburg, and Malcolm Johns.

I thank my parents, Virginia and David Gray, for all their love and support, and Lucille Brixey, who was always like a second mother to me. Although they are no longer here, their love and encouragement continue to surround and bless me.

INTRODUCTION

In the last fifty years, life has become more complicated. Longer working hours, intensified by grueling commutes and more traffic, the increased cost of housing, food, and health care, rising credit card debt, and the combined responsibilities of work and child care in two-career families are only a few of the sources of stress in our fast-paced modern lives. In spite of the new technologies designed to connect us, information overload and round-the-clock accessibility via the Internet and cell phones have reduced much of our communication to the equivalent of text messaging. We are stretched to the limit, with little energy for our personal lives. Despite increased independence and opportunities for success at work, we are often left with a sense of isolation and exhaustion at home.

The unprecedented levels of stress both men and women are experiencing is taking a toll on our romantic relationships. Whether single or in committed relationships, we are often too busy or too tired to sustain feelings of attraction, motivation, and affection. Everyday stress drains our energy and patience and leaves us feeling too exhausted or overwhelmed to enjoy and support each other.

We are often too busy to see what is obvious. A man will give his heart and soul to make enough money to provide for his family and return home too tired even to talk with them. A woman will give and give to support her husband and children and then resent them for not giving back the kind of support she thrives on giving. Under the influence of stress, men and women forget why we do what we do.

As I travel the world, teaching the Mars and Venus insights, I have witnessed a new trend in relationships linked to increasing stress. Both couples and singles believe they are too busy or too exhausted to resolve their relationship issues, and often think their partners are either too demanding or just too different to understand. Attempting to cope with the increasing stress of working for a living, both men and women feel neglected at home. While some couples experience increasing tension, others have just given up, sweeping their emotional needs under the carpet. They may get along, but the passion is gone.

Men and women have always had challenges in their relationships, but with the added stress of our modern lifestyles, these challenges have become bigger. With increasing stress in the outside world, our needs at home have dramatically changed. Without an understanding of our partners’ new needs for coping with stress, we can actually make things worse while trying to make things better.

Fortunately, there is a new way to understand and cope with rising stress levels. Instead of being another problem we have to solve, relationships can actually be the solution. Instead of coming home to a new set of problems and stress, coming home can be a safe haven of loving support and comfort. Understanding how men and women cope with stress in different ways gives us a whole new perspective for improving communication and successfully giving and receiving support in our relationships.

Good communication skills can bring men and women together, but when the increasing stress of our busy lives is added to the mix, Mars and Venus collide. Stress is a major contributor to why we fight, but the fact that men and women cope with stress differently is at the root of our conflicts. Though men and women are similar, when it comes to stress, they are very different. With increasing stress, these differences are intensified. Instead of facing life’s challenges and growing together in love, many couples drift apart to a comfortable but passionless distance, or are ripped apart by feelings of resentment, confusion, and mistrust that lead to explosive fights.

It is sometimes as if we are from completely different planets; men are from Mars and women are from Venus. Without a positive way to understand our different coping mechanisms, Mars and Venus collide instead of coming together.

Men and women not only respond to stress in unique ways, but the kind of support they need to relieve their stress is different as well. In every chapter of Why Mars and Venus Collide, we will explore the different ways men and women experience stress as well as the best ways to cope and support each other. My goal in writing the book is to provide you with a new way to understand each other and more effective strategies to create a healthy and happy relationship that will actually lower your stress levels.

The more aware we are of our natural differences, the more tolerant we become when and if those differences show up. Instead of thinking, What’s wrong with my partner? you are able to ponder what is wrong with the way you are approaching her. Instead of concluding that your partner is purposefully being inconsiderate, you can at least feel some comfort knowing that he is oblivious or clueless. Couples often have no real sense of how things affect each of them.