Holiday Jokes

Two friends were bound for a holiday in the Mediterranean. One of them looked out of the cabin window of the aeroplane and exclaimed, ‘Good Lord! Look at all those people down there! They look just like ants!’

His friend peered over his shoulder and said, ‘They are ants. We haven’t taken off yet.’

A motorist on holiday in the West Country stopped his car and asked a local farmer, ‘Could you tell me how far it is to Exeter?’

‘Well,’ said the farmer, scratching his head, ‘it’s about 24,997 miles in the direction you’re going, and about three if you turn round and go the other way.’

In a holiday hotel on the South Coast, a large notice proclaimed: ‘Please do not insult our waiters by tipping.’ Close by was a small box, placed there by the waiters themselves. It was marked: ‘Insults’.

A woman on a holiday trip to the New Forest stood in awe in front of an enormous tree. ‘Oh, marvellous and ancient oak!’ she enthused. ‘If you could only speak, what would you say?’

‘Well,’ said the tour guide, ‘it would probably say, ‘Pardon me, madam, but I’m an elm.’

If you are going on holiday abroad and are thinking of learning one or two useful phrases in the local language, there is one you should be sure to memorize: ‘You forgot my change!’

A young man on vacation in France was travelling by train from Paris to Lyon. The train made an unscheduled stop and, thinking that they had arrived at the station, he gathered up his luggage, threw open the door and jumped out. As he disappeared down the embankment in a flurry of arms and legs, the guard, who was watching from his window, muttered, ‘C’est magnifique, mais ce n’est pas la gare!’

Sign in a French holiday hotel: ‘Guests which may entertain any desires during the night are advised to ring for the chambermaid.’

‘Where did you stay in Boulogne?’

‘At the Hotel George V.’

‘But the Hotel George V is in Paris!’

‘Is it? No wonder it was such a long walk to the beach!’

‘And what do you think of our Switzerland, monsieur? A beautiful country, is it not?’

‘Oh, I don’t know. Take away your mountains and your valleys and your lakes, and what have you got?’

A motorist on holiday in London parked his car in a prohibited zone. A policeman strolled over and said, ‘You can’t park here, you know.’

‘Why not?’ said the motorist. That sign says “Fine For Parking”.’

A tourist visiting Mexico noticed one of the natives dozing in the shade of a large tree. As it was the middle of a weekday morning, he said, ‘Don’t you have a job?’

‘No,’ said the Mexican.

‘Well, why don’t you get yourself one instead of lazing about all day?’

‘What for?’

‘So that you can earn some money,” said the tourist.

‘Why should I want to do that?’ asked the local.

‘So you could improve your standard of living. Then you could start saving.’

‘What for?’

‘Well, when you’d saved enough, you could retire and then you’d be able to take it easy and relax.’

‘That’s just what I’m doing now,’ said the Mexican, and promptly went back to sleep.

He: ‘Did you manage to pick up any Italian when you were in Venice?’

She: ‘Yes, I did.’

He: ‘Let’s hear some then.’

She: ‘He spoke English.’

A holidaymaker motoring to Wales arrived at the Severn Bridge in his very ancient and dilapidated old boneshaker. The attendant stuck his head out of the toll-booth, glanced at the vehicle and said, ‘£5 for the car, sir.’

‘Sold!’ said the motorist.

A fisherman on holiday in Ireland hired a local boatman to take him down the Liffey. ‘You’re sure you know this river?’ he asked anxiously as the boat moved rapidly along with the swift-flowing current.

‘Sure, I know this river like the back of me hand, sir!’ said the boatman. ‘I know every bend and current. And I know every rock in it, large and small!’

At that moment, the boat struck a submerged rock and shuddered violently. ‘You see, sir!’ cried the boatman. ‘There’s one of them now!’

Holiday visitor to Norfolk: ‘When I stayed here last year, there were two windmills. What happened to the other one?’

Local farmer: ‘There was only enough wind for one so we took it down.’

One of the attractions of the holiday resort was a ride in an aeroplane, a decrepit and none-too-safe pre-war biplane. A dear old lady who had never flown before decided to give it a go. She paid her £25 for the fifteen-minute flight and the pilot thought he would give her a treat. He put the plane through its whole repertoire, diving, spinning, turning, twisting and looping the loop. When they finally landed, the old lady, pale as a sheet, gasped, ‘Thank you for both of those rides, young man!’

‘Both?’ said the pilot. ‘There was only one.’

‘I make it two,’ said the old lady. ‘My first and my last.’

When vacation time came round, George decided to be really adventurous and visit America. His itinerary included a visit to an Indian reservation in Colorado. As he wandered around, he noticed an Indian riding a pony with his squaw trudging behind him carrying an enormous bundle. Indignantly, he said, ‘Look here, why doesn’t the squaw ride?’

With a look of surprise, the Indian said, ‘She got no pony!’

On a cruise to the West Indies, the husband was seasick every day. On the sixth day out his wife asked solicitously, ‘Are you going to try a little dinner tonight, dear?’

‘No thanks,’ he replied. ‘Just chuck it straight over the side and save me the trouble.’

‘How did you enjoy your holiday on the Continent?’ a little girl was asked.

‘It was very nice,’ she replied, ‘but I did get tired of being interested in everything.’

Two holidaymakers fell into conversation on the train to Worthing. ‘Have you been here before?’ asked one.

‘Oh, yes,’ replied the other. ‘I come here every year.’