More of the World’s Best Drinking Jokes

‘To scare away the elephants? There’s no elephants around here!’

‘I know,’ said the drunk. ‘Effective isn’t it?’

After celebrating rather too freely, a fellow stumbled home at about one in the morning. His wife was sitting up in bed waiting for him. She heard him groping about downstairs and suddenly there was a tremendous crash and the sound of breaking glass. ‘What on earth are you doing down there?’ she shouted. And the husband bawled back, ‘I’m just teaching the goldfish not to bark at me!’

Down in Kentucky, they like their whisky straight. One old-timer was handed a shot of rye. ‘Blindfold me and hold my nose,’ he said. ‘If I see it or smell it, my mouth will water and dilute it!’

‘Allow me to pour you another drink. I’ve heard you like good liquor.’

‘Yes, I do – but pour me another one anyway.’

The husband had had a fine old time at the office Christmas Party. He made his unsteady way home at about one in the morning and, going up the front steps of his house, he tripped and fell, cutting his face. Once safely inside, he staggered into the bathroom to clean himself up, realizing that his wife would be bound to ask questions if she saw him bleeding all over the place.

The next morning at breakfast, the wife berated him for coming home drunk. ‘Nonsense,’ he protested. ‘I was perfectly sober.’

‘Well, in that case,’ said the wife with a grim smile, ‘how is it that the bathroom mirror has pieces of sticking plaster all over it?’

Three men were having a drink in a rather seedy pub. The place was infested with flies. One fly fell into the Englishman’s beer and he carefully lifted it out with his fingers. Then a second fly fell into the Irishman’s beer. The Irishman took no notice of it but went on drinking happily. When a third fly fell into the Scotsman’s beer, he lifted it carefully, wrung it out into his beer, and carried on drinking.

Two British astronauts landed on the moon, and one of them went off to look for a pub.

‘Any luck?’ said his partner when he returned half an hour later.

‘There’s only one pub in the whole place,’ said the first astronaut.

‘Any good?’ asked his pal.

‘No!’ said the first astronaut disgustedly. ‘No atmosphere!’

Two drunks had wandered into the reading room of the British Library and one of them was avidly reading the world population statistics.

‘Do you know,’ he said to his mate, ‘that every time I breathe, a man dies?’

The second drunk looked at him sympathetically and said, ‘Have you tried chlorophyll tablets?’

Down in Cornwall, there’s a pub where the bar is decorated with stuffed fish in glass cases. A drunk wandered round staring at these exhibits with interest. Suddenly he came to an enormous stuffed marlin in a huge case. After studying it carefully for a few moments, he said, ‘The feller that caught that is a damn liar!’

A very happy gentleman left his West End club and started to make his uncertain way home to his flat in Piccadilly. Halfway through the journey, he bumped into a tree which was surrounded by a protective circle of iron rods. He clutched hold of these rods and went round three times, hand over hand. Then he stopped and shouted in a plaintive voice: ‘Help! I’m trapped! Somebody let me out!’