A Season To Believe

“Because I don’t want to hate anything about Christmas.”

“What about last Christmas? Did you like it then?”

“I had a cold and couldn’t really taste or smell it. Besides, disliking eggnog isn’t the worst part. When I realized that it was indeed the day after Thanksgiving and that I had been Christmas shopping, I actually shuddered with revulsion.”

As she finished speaking, a tiny tremor shook her slender form.

Matt smiled. “You zeem to have a very zerious zyndrome, young lady. You are afraid zat in your past you ver Ebenezer Scrooge, or ze Grinch Who Stole Christmas. Is zer a cure for ziz, Doctor Zeffarelli?”

He turned to Zoe, but she didn’t look at him.

“Jane,” the woman said softly. “I have spoken with many people who have issues with Christmas. Most feel overwhelmed at the idea of adding shopping, wrapping and parties to already incredibly busy lives. Some feel that commercial aspects overpower the spiritual meaning of the season. And many are plagued with childhood memories of Christmas involving deprivation or, worse, abuse. Sometimes, the effort to put on a show of good cheer is such an effort for these people that they end up resenting everything about the holiday.”

Matt felt his smile grow tight.

“That makes no sense,” Jane said, “I had a wonderful time last Christmas with your cousin’s family in Maine, tromping through the forest to chop down the tree, then decorating it with the popcorn and cranberries I’d helped string, wrapping the gifts I’d made and walking over glittering snow on the way to midnight Mass.”

Matt was relieved when Jane brought her Currier and Ives reminiscences to an end. With each new jolly image, his muscles had tensed further. The smile faded from his lips and he glanced away from Jane’s features, where the glow of remembered joy warred with an expression of annoyance.

“Yes,” Zoe replied. “But we were in a very small town, not a large city. She turned to Matt. “Does this description sound like any of the Christmases you remember?”

He forced his smile to widen. “Well, certainly not the snowy part. However, my McDermott cousins do have a party every year, where whoever wants to can string popcorn.”

Zoe’s sharp glance suggested she was going to ask him another question. Instead, she gave her head a little shake and turned to Jane.

“When you insisted on going downtown today, I warned you about the crowds. That might be what set you off, so it is best you put your worries out of your mind until you remember more of your past.”

“I’ve got a question about that, Zoe,” Matt said. “I think I might be familiar with the beach Jane described. Do you think it would help her to remember more if I took her there?”

“Well, the senses, that of smell in particular, are known to have a powerful effect upon the memory. Jane, how do you feel about a trip to the beach with Matt?”

Jane wasn’t sure how she felt about anything at that moment. Other than completely exhausted. A profound sense of weariness had banished the tension in her muscles, leaving her with barely the strength to remain upright with her eyes open.

“That would be fine,” she replied at last.

Matt stood. Jane managed to look up just as he smiled and said, “Good. I need to speak with Jack on a few matters in the morning, but I can be here at eleven.”

On the one hand, Jane told herself as she pulled the door to her studio apartment behind her, it had been wonderful seeing Matt Sullivan again. Aside from the fact that he was every bit as handsome as she remembered, she’d yet to meet anyone with the same knack for making her laugh, even when she didn’t particularly want to. But still, her insides were in knots over the idea of going anywhere with him.

Jane took a deep breath as she started down the flower-print runner that carpeted the stairway.

On the other hand, she wasn’t sure she wanted anyone to read her all that well. When Manny’s death and Matt’s injuries had pulled those two men out of her life, she had looked for someone to take their place—someone she could trust with her thoughts, hopes, fears. The person she had chosen had used those things against her, so now the idea of trusting anyone made her stomach twist and brought a sour lump to her throat.

And, after the way she’d behaved in Maxwell’s, she wasn’t even sure she could trust herself.

When Jane reached the foyer, she moved to the small window to the left of the front door and stared at the street below. She wouldn’t want to even know the tense, dismissive person she had become for those few moments the day before, let alone be like that. How would Matt Sullivan feel about her if today’s trip to the beach happened to bring out that “dark side” of her personality?

“Ah, there you are—”

Jane turned as Zoe stepped out of her office.

“You look like someone who was about to be led into the lion’s den, or some other horrible fate, instead of what is supposed to be, as they say, a day at the beach.”

Jane drew a deep breath and released it in a quick whoosh. “I know. I am looking forward to spending some time at the ocean again. It’s just that I have some figures to finish, special orders I got when I stopped in at The Gift Box yesterday, you know, and I want to get to work on that new line of elves I started.”

“And you are frightened of what you might remember, of what you might learn about yourself.”

Jane hesitated, then nodded.

Zoe placed a hand on Jane’s shoulder. “My girl, I see patients every day who are afraid of the same thing. People with perfectly good memories, you understand, who have nevertheless built up layer upon layer of fear and denial, until they no longer know where they begin or end—in other words, who they are. They come to therapists like me when they discover that ignoring their pain has become more frightening than facing it.”

“How do they do that?”

“One step at a time. I tell them what I will tell you now. Life tests you only when you have enough strength to rise to the challenge.”

The sound of a car engine drew Jane’s attention to the window. In the driveway below, she saw Matt get out of his black Jeep. Her heart began to pound as he started up the stairs. She turned to Zoe.

“How do you know if you have that strength?”

The corners of the woman’s eyes crinkled. “When life tests you, of course.”

Jane surprised herself by laughing. “Dabbling in Zen, are you?”

“Whatever works,” Zoe replied with a shrug.

At the solid knock on the door, Jane pivoted and pulled it open, then froze—just as she had when she’d seen Matt yesterday, framed in the doorway leading to Maxwell’s security office.

He was, as the saying went, larger than life. Not just because his height topped six feet by several inches, that his shoulders were broad, or that his nearly black hair intensified the sea-green of his eyes. Those physical attributes were formidable, certainly, but the element that sent her heart racing had more to do with the quiet power in his stance, the undeniable cocky tilt to his mouth, and the sudden light of appreciation that swept her form, washing her body with heat.

“Looks like you’ve decided to rise to the challenge,” he said.

“Challenge?”

Jane cringed inwardly at the breathless way the word came out, but Matt’s simple nod suggested he hadn’t noticed.

“You appear to be dressed for a day outside. I assume that means you’ve decided to accompany me and see if we can’t track down the source of that memory of yours, and perhaps scare up some more.”

Although Jane felt a shiver coming on, she found herself giving him a wry smile. “I guess so. Scare being the operative word.”

Matt stepped forward and took her hand in one swift motion. As Jane looked into his eyes, she was aware of the strength of his grip, the warmth of his skin on hers and the reassuring determination in his gaze.

“No matter what happens today,” he said quietly. “I have no doubt that you’ll rise to the occasion.”

“Have you and Zoe been comparing notes on how to handle me?”

When Matt looked quizzical, Jane explained. “She was just bolstering my courage with very similar words. So—” she drew a quick breath “—yes, I’m ready to see if we can find the gate leading to memory lane.”

“All right. Get your jacket and we’ll be off.”