Bad Cook

– I interrupt.

– I give my husband death stares.

– I am a sluttish washer-upper.

– I sometimes only empty half of the dishwasher and then wander off to do something else and forget to unload the rest.

– I throw money (his) at any problem.

– I leave the area around the toaster a mess, attracting ants and wasps.

– I don’t make the bed.

Here are the nice things that my husband does for me:

– He doesn’t make me go and get a job.

– He does my tax.

– He takes out all the bins and deals with the compost.

– He sorts out the cars, the tax for the cars, the maintenance of the cars.

– He doesn’t make me see people I don’t like.

– He’ll make any phone call for me that I’m too scared to make.

– He cleans all my hair out of the trap in the shower.

– He can fix almost anything in the house that has broken.

– When I have been devastatingly amusing about someone, he doesn’t declare that I am a ‘bitch’.

Here are the nice things that I do for my husband:

– I hang up the bathmat.

– I always make sure there is enough deodorant, shampoo, shower gel etc in the bathroom.

– Ditto for the kitchen.

– Ditto stamps, birthday cards and wrapping paper.

– I sort out dinner, pretty much every night.

– I make sure there’s always enough cash for the cleaner, ditto cleaning products.

– When we go on holiday I cancel the papers and the milk.

– At parties, I whisper names he has forgotten in his ear.

– I don’t give him shit about going out and getting drunk.

– I don’t give him shit about his swearing or bad taste jokes.

Whenever my husband has done something annoying and I feel enervated, I always run those lists through my head. It’s what my marriage balances on, like a fat elephant on a plank of wood on a ball bearing.

But a few years ago, I realized that my husband was NOT aware that there was this careful balancing act going on. He did not think, as he ignored my throat-clearing, cuticle-picking, death-staring grotesqueness, that he was simply keeping up his end of the bargain. He believed that he was bearing the brunt of marital irritation, while I sailed through life blithely un-irritated. One day, things exploded in a terrible row about me not making the bed.

I won’t lie, there were tears.

Then I explained about the list. About the importance of acts of devotion. And he got it, more or less. And that’s why I’m always sorting out dinner; it’s part of the deal. It’s why I try to find new things to cook, rather than just doing a roast chicken or pasta over and over again. If it’s going to be my area, I might as well have a big repertoire. It makes everything easier.

Which explains why I tried out this lamb shank curry. Yes, fine, it’s just another bloody curry, but the appealing thing about this to me was that it is tomato-based and therefore unusual and new and exciting.

Lamb Shank Curry

Serves 2

1 large onion, chopped

2 ripe tomatoes, or a generous handful of cherry or vine tomatoes

1 tsp cumin powder

1 red chilli

2 cloves garlic

1 tbsp fresh ginger

1 tsp turmeric

1 tbsp brown sugar

2 lamb shanks

small bunch fresh coriander

1 Preheat the oven to 150ºC.

2 Blend everything except the lamb shanks and half the coriander in a whizzer to make a paste then slap it over the lamb shanks and leave for as long as you can. All day, ideally, but an hour will make a difference.

3 Heat a bit of groundnut oil in a big casserole and tip in the lamb and the marinade. Cook for 90 mins. Turn occasionally if you can be bothered. Garnish with a bit of fresh coriander to serve, while you ponder the secrets of marital bliss.

Connie’s Mango Salsa

Let’s go now. Let’s fly you and I away from this gloomy now, to a different time, back six years, to when I was working on Londoner’s Diary, which as I’m sure you know is the gossip page of the Evening Standard.