Fern Britton 3-Book Collection: The Holiday Home, A Seaside Affair, A Good Catch

‘Not my weight,’ said Pru, gliding into the room with no sign of a limp. ‘I’ve always had trouble putting weight on.’

Connie retaliated swiftly, ‘Yes. Just a pity your ego couldn’t be put on a diet too.’

Henry looked at his daughters sternly. ‘Stop that this minute. And Dorothy, keep your opinions to yourself.’

Dorothy, looking pious, said, ‘I won’t say another word.’

‘Good.’

There followed a strained tension that only very close families recognise.

‘Well …’ Francis put down his champagne flute. ‘Who’s ready for aubergine and haloumi bake, tagine of chickpeas and herb-laced couscous?’

*

There was a surprising amount of food left over.

‘That was delicious, Uncle Francis. I feel fully vegetable and pulsed up,’ said Abi, taking her half-eaten plate to the bin.

Jem jumped up and did the same. ‘That was top, Dad. Thanks. Do any of you mind if Abi and I leave the table and watch telly in the rumpus room?’

‘That’s fine,’ said Henry. ‘I want to talk business with Greg anyway.’

‘Great,’ said Greg, topping up his and Henry’s glasses with the remains of the bottle.

‘Let’s go to The Bungalow.’ Henry took Greg’s arm, adding in a lower voice: ‘We might catch a bit of the cricket while we’re at it.’

‘Anyone want a coffee or tea?’ Connie asked her mother and sister. They nodded. ‘I’ll go and make some.’

‘No, absolutely not – I’ll go and do it,’ said Francis, leaping up. ‘You girls have got plenty to catch up on.’

‘That is so sweet of you, Francis. Much appreciated.’ Connie gave him a warm hug and then hurried after Dorothy and Pru.

As the women walked away, Francis collected the remaining plates and scraped them into the bin.

*

‘Here you are, ladies,’ he said ten minutes later, carrying a tea tray laden with mugs and organic muesli biscuits. ‘Where shall I put it?’

‘Coffee table, Francis,’ said Pru, barely looking at him.

‘Well, the kitchen’s all clear for the morning. I’ll just pop over to The Bungalow to say good night to Henry and Greg.’

‘OK. See you in the morning. And thank you for supper, Francis.’ Connie smiled at him as he left.

Pru turned to their mother. ‘How are you settling into the new bungalow, Mummy?’

‘It’s perfect, darling. Easy to clean, lovely and warm. Everything brand new. What else would we do with all that garden. It was the ideal plot and it’s the best thing your father ever persuaded me to do.’

Connie looked unconvinced. ‘How could you bear to leave Atlantic House and live in a modern box?’

‘Easily. When your father and I bought Atlantic House we were considerably younger than we are now. Your father can’t get up on the roof to paint gutters any more. It takes him two days just to mow the lawn. And I am fed up with all the housework. The Bungalow takes twenty minutes, tops. Also, now we have our separate rooms and bathrooms, we get along so much better.’

Connie raised her eyebrows. ‘Don’t you miss cuddling up to him at night? I think he misses you.’

‘Sex is very overrated, darling. I’m glad all that side of things is finished. Much nicer to do the crossword together.’

‘Too much information, Mummy!’ Connie preferred not to hear her mother talk about her sex life.

‘Well, I’d love separate rooms,’ sighed Pru. ‘Francis and I have never bothered too much with that sort of thing.’

Connie looked astonished. ‘Don’t you have sex either?’

‘No. Still, it’s not as if I’m a panting twenty-something, is it?’

Connie thought for a moment. ‘When did you last make love?’

‘I can’t remember. Couple of years, at least.’

‘Two years!’ Connie was shocked. Greg had told her that if they didn’t make love at least three times a week his testicles would be damaged. ‘Poor Francis! He must be feeling so neglected!’ Connie was indignant on her brother-in-law’s behalf. ‘I make sure Greg is very happy. I always have.’

‘And you?’ her mother asked. ‘How about you? Does he make sure you’re happy?’

‘Yes. Well, it’s not as if the earth moves every time. But it’s the glue that holds a man and woman together in a marriage.’

Pru tipped her head back and laughed. ‘Dear little Connie. It’s as if the feminist movement never happened.’

‘No. It’s not to do with that. It’s …’ Connie felt flustered and hated her elder sister for trying to belittle her.

Dorothy stepped in. ‘Darling, one day you will pray for separate bedrooms. Believe me.’ She stood up and said pointedly, ‘Now, I am off to my peaceful bed in my horrid little bungalow.’ The comment was aimed at Pru, who didn’t react. Dorothy continued: ‘I suggest the pair of you head off for an early night too.’

Both girls tutted in annoyance behind their mother’s retreating back.

Dorothy heard and, without bothering to turn round, added: ‘With luck you’ll be asleep before either of your husbands return.’

*

While the women had been chatting, Henry had been catching up with Greg. He poured them each a large glass of Scotch and motioned for Greg to sit in one of the two armchairs.

‘So, my boy. The business is looking in excellent shape.’

Greg stretched his legs out in front of him. ‘Yes, we’ve had a good first half of the year and the Japanese are meeting the delivery dates on the new apps, which I believe will increase our turnover significantly over the next twenty-four months.’

They discussed markets, initiatives and overheads for a while, and then Henry said, ‘You know, my old father wouldn’t recognise the company now. He would have hated all these virtual games. His mantra was always “Nothing can beat the fun—”’

Greg finished it off for him: ‘“—of a family sitting round the table playing Ludo.”’

Henry looked at him in surprise. ‘Have I mentioned that before?’