Pedigree Mum

‘So, listen, shall I phone that guy from the ad?’

‘Which ad?’

‘The dog one! Oh, go on, let’s do it …’ She pauses, and he can tell she’s smiling. There are faint street noises in the background and he pictures her green eyes shining, her dark hair blowing messily in the breeze. Tears spill onto his cheeks and he quickly wipes them away. ‘If we do,’ Kerry adds, ‘let’s make it a surprise and not say anything until the dog’s actually here. You won’t tell them, will you?’

‘No …’

‘God, I’m so excited! Oh, Rob … this just feels right, you know? Everything feels right. I’ve had a few enquiries from my ad, did I tell you? I just need to spruce up the music room, then I can start booking some pupils in.’

‘Er, that’s great.’

‘Well, it all feels positive anyway.’ She pauses for breath. ‘It’s still lonely here without you but soon we’ll all be back together, a proper family …’ She tails off, but this time Rob can’t respond. ‘Sorry, sweetheart,’ she adds. ‘I’m ranting on and you’re stuck at home with a horrible migraine. I’ll shut up now and let you get some rest …’

‘Okay,’ he says dully.

‘And Rob, I love you, you know that, don’t you?’

He opens his mouth, but more tears are falling and all he can do is make a strange, puppy-like yelp.

‘Rob? Are you okay?’

He clears his throat, his face now utterly wet as he says, ‘Kerry, I’m so sorry. There’s something you have to know.’

Chapter Sixteen

They say grief comes in stages. Maybe it does, if it’s the kind associated with running out of eye cream or scuffing the toe of a favourite shoe. Not a husband saying, I know how this sounds but I promise you I can’t remember a thing … yes, it does seem impossible but it has happened before – er, yes, with you … Only once or twice during the early days when we’d been out and come home drunk – no, of course I didn’t admit it, you’d have been horrified …

And that had been that. Thirteen years together melted away in an instant, like candyfloss on a tongue. As for the ‘stages’ – anger, grief, depression in whichever order they’re supposed to come – Kerry hasn’t had time for anything so orderly. The rest of yesterday had passed in a blur (she was too blown away to even cry). Rob had called twice more, sobbing inconsolably and begging to drive down and see her; she’d had no option but to cut him off mid-flow. After collecting the children from school, she’d spent an hour on the phone to Anita, and the rest of the evening had been spent Acting Normal in front of the children. It was only later in bed that she’d allowed herself to cry – and, once she’d started, she’d feared that she might never be able to stop. And now, at 8.10 a.m. on a grey Wednesday morning, Kerry must continue to behave as if nothing untoward has happened. Her marriage may be over but she must still brush hair, put out juice and cereal and locate gym shoes and playtime snacks deemed acceptable at Shorling Primary (e.g. little pouches of dried apricots from the wholefood store; crisps, it would appear, are regarded as the devil’s work).

The landline rings and, without thinking, she grabs it. ‘It’s me,’ Rob croaks.

‘What d’you want?’

‘I need to talk to you …’ His voice is thick and hoarse, as if he’s been up all night.

Kerry blinks rapidly. ‘I can’t, not now …’

‘Please listen to me,’ he implores her. ‘Okay, it happened, but you have to believe that I can’t remember anything—’

‘Does that mean it doesn’t count?’ she snaps.

‘No, of course it does, I didn’t mean …’

‘Mummy, who’s on the phone?’ Mia demands from the breakfast table. ‘What doesn’t count?’

Kerry rubs her eyes and growls, ‘I’ve got to go,’ before abruptly ending the call.

‘Was that Daddy?’ Mia asks, grinning.

‘Yes, darling.’

‘Why did he phone?’ Freddie wants to know.

‘Oh … he just wanted to check something …’

‘Why didn’t he want to speak to me?’ Mia tosses her spoon into her empty cereal bowl.

Kerry blinks slowly. ‘He was in a rush, sweetie.’

Mia nods, apparently satisfied with this. ‘Remember it’s the feast today, Mummy.’

‘What feast?’ Kerry asks, hoping her pink, swollen eyes will continue to pass unnoticed.

‘The feast. I need my stuff, Mum. It said in that letter.’

‘What letter?’ Kerry chooses to ignore the fact that Freddie has picked up his bowl and is noisily slurping chocolate-tinged milk.

‘That letter from school,’ Mia says with a roll of her eyes. Ah, yes, Kerry vaguely remembers now. How remiss of her to allow torturous thoughts of her husband having energetic sex with a girl who was born in something like 1992 – she’s not even old enough to remember Britpop, for God’s sake – to take precedence over preparing for Miss Pettifer’s Egyptian banquet. Now, as she focuses hard, she vaguely recalls Mia’s teacher’s request for the kind of delicacies people would have enjoyed four thousand years ago, but she’s darned if she can remember what they are. The letter doesn’t appear to be lurking in the teetering pile of unattended-to mail on top of the microwave. Nor is it hiding in what Mia has christened the ‘everything drawer’ which, although they’ve only lived here for six weeks, is already jammed with take-away menus, matted hairbrushes and any random small item which has yet to be allocated a proper home.

‘We’ll have to forget about it,’ Kerry says briskly. ‘I’m sure everyone else will bring lots of things to share. I’ll write a note to Miss Pettifer saying I’m sorry but I totally forgot.’

Mia stares at her, aghast. ‘You can’t do that.’

‘Why not?’

‘I’ll be the only one!’ Mia’s mouth crumples and her dark eyes fill with tears.

‘Darling …’ Kerry puts an arm around her daughter but is abruptly shrugged off. ‘I’m really sorry but it’s quarter past eight and there isn’t time to get anything together.’

‘No one’ll let me share,’ Mia cries. ‘They’re not my friends …’

‘What makes you think that, hon?’

‘They’re just not!’ she shouts. ‘I’ve got to take something. We can buy stuff on the way to school …’

‘We could,’ Kerry says, feeling helpless, ‘but we don’t know what to buy.’

‘Stuff the Egyptians liked,’ Freddie offers helpfully.

‘I know, Freddie, but I don’t know what they liked.’

‘Why not?’ He throws her a disdainful look.

Because, sweethearts, your father has made someone else pregnant. Although I know that’s a shoddy excuse and, if I were a proper mother with one of those hyper-efficient maternal brains, I’d still be able to locate a typical menu from a pharaohs’ feast …

‘I can’t remember,’ she says, feeling horribly close to crying herself. The landline rings again; Kerry lifts the receiver and bangs it straight back down again.

‘Google it then,’ Mia commands.