Olla Podrida

(Thomasturns from the lawyer with his face to the front of the stage; crossing his legs.)

“To my nephew, John Montagu, I leave also the sum of nineteen pounds nineteen shillings and sixpence.”

(Johnturns away in the same manner.)

“To my nephew, once removed, James Stirling, I leave the sum of five pounds to purchase a suit of mourning.”

(Jamesturns away as the others.)

“To my nephew, once removed, William Stirling, I leave the sum of five pounds to purchase a suit of mourning.”

(Williamturns away as the others.)

“To my kind and affectionate housekeeper, Mrs Martha Jellybags—”

(Mrs Jellybagssobs loudly, and cries “Oh dear! Oh dear!”)

Mr Seedy. Silence, if you please. (Reads.)

“In return for all her attention to me during my illness, and her ten years’ service, I leave the whole of my—”

(Mr Seedyhaving come to the bottom of the page lays down the will, takes out his snuff-box, takes a pinch, blows his nose, snuffs the candles, and proceeds.)

“I leave the whole of my wardrobe, for her entire use and disposal; and also my silver watch with my key and seal hanging to it.

“And having thus provided for—”

(Mrs Jellybags, who has been listening attentively, interrupts Mr Seedyin great agitation.)

Jel. Will you be pleased to read that part over again?

Seedy. Certainly, ma’am. “I leave the whole of my wardrobe, and also my silver watch, with the key and seal hanging to it.”

(Mrs Jellybagsscreams, and falls back in a swoon on her chair—no one assists her.)

“And having thus provided for all my relations, I do hereby devise the rest of my property to the said Solomon Lazarus and Hezekiah Flint, to have and to hold for the building and endowment of an hospital for diseases of the heart, lights, liver, and spleen, as set off by the provisions in the schedule annexed to my will as part and codicil to it.”

Seedy. Would the relations like me to read the provisions?

Omnes. No! no! no!

(Mr Seedyis about to fold up the papers.)

Gum. I beg your pardon, sir, but is there no other codicil?

Seedy. I beg your pardon, Mr Gumarabic, I recollect now there is one relative to you.

Gum. (nods his head.) I thought so.

(Seedy reads.)

“And whereas I consider that my apothecary, Mr Haustus Gumarabic, hath sent in much unnecessary physic, during my long illness—it is my earnest request that my executors will not fail to tax his bill.”

Gum. (rises and comes forward.) Tax my bill!—well that is odd, very odd! I may as well go and look after my patients. (Exit.)

(James and William come forward.)

James. I say, Bill, how are you off for a suit of mourning?

Will. Thanky for nothing, Jem. If the old gentleman don’t go to heaven until I put it on, he will be in a very bad way. Come along, it’s no use staying here.

(John and Thomas come forward.)

John. I say, Tom, how are you off for nineteen pounds nineteen and six? Heh!

Thos. Let’s toss and see which shall have both legacies. Here goes—heads or tails?

John. Woman for ever.

Thos. You’ve won, so there’s an end of not only my expectations but realities. Come along, Mrs Jellybags must be anxious to look over her wardrobe.

John. Yes, and also the silver watch and the key and seal hanging to it. Good bye, Jemmy! Ha! ha!

    (Exeunt, laughing.)

Clem. For shame, John. (Turns toEdward.) My dear Edward, do not appear so downcast. I acknowledge that I am myself much mortified and disappointed—but we must submit to circumstances. What did I tell you before this will was read?—that nothing could alter my feelings towards you, did I not?

Edw. (with indifference.) Yes.

Clem. Why then annoy yourself, my dear Edward?

Edw. The confounded old junks!

Clem. Nay, Edward, recollect that he is dead—I can forgive him.

Edw. But I won’t. Has he not dashed my cup of bliss to the ground? Heavens! what delightful anticipations I had formed of possessing you and competence—all gone!

Clem. All gone, dear Edward?

(Mrs Jellybags, who has been sitting very still, takes her handkerchief from her eyes and listens.)

Edw. Yes, gone!—gone for ever! Do you imagine, my ever dear Clementina, that I would be so base, so cruel, so regardless of you and your welfare, to entrap you into marriage with only one hundred and fifty pounds! No, no!—judge me better. I sacrifice myself—my happiness—all for you!—banish myself from your dear presence, and retire to pass the remainder of my existence in misery and regret, maddened with the feeling that some happier mortal will obtain that dear hand, and will rejoice in the possession of those charms which I had too fondly, too credulously, imagined as certain to be mine.

(Takes out his handkerchief and covers his face; Clementinaalso puts her handkerchief to her face and weeps. Mrs Jellybagsnods her head ironically.)

Clem. Edward!

Edw. My dear, dear Clementina!