Chances

‘Mind you,’ said Michelle, ‘I saw some strapping young bloke with a big package coming out of your shop.’

‘You ought to rephrase that,’ said Vita and Michelle laughed before noticing that Vita was miles away, staring into the middle distance and pulling little pinches of bread off the slice.

‘Earth to Vita?’

Vita gave Michelle an unconvincing smile before masticating excessively over a small crust. Michelle tipped her head to one side and dunked her foccaccia thoughtfully in the oil. She never needed to say anything for Vita to feel she could offload; no invitation required, no subtle extraction of information necessary.

‘Having a bit of a wobble?’ Michelle simply said.

Vita stopped chewing. ‘A bit,’ she nodded. ‘Been feeling a little thrown off balance this last week.’ She shrugged. ‘Stupid, really.’

‘What does it boil down to?’ Michelle asked, shooing away the waiter with a two minutes, please gesture.

Vita took a moment. Then she placed her hands palms down on the table as if laying her proverbial cards out. ‘I wasn’t doing too badly recently,’ she said at length. ‘The weird thing is, while I have no regrets – I do still hurt. I do. I’m sorry. I know it frustrates you. I know you all hate him. But I find myself at thirty-three on my own, alone, when all I wanted was to be part of a pair.’

‘Tim was the rotten part of the pair,’ Michelle said carefully. ‘And if I was Candy I’d be able to think of some pithy allusion to the plentiful pears on your ridiculously big tree.’

Vita looked at Michelle and shrugged. ‘We were together six years. We lived together for almost five.’

‘I know,’ said Michelle. ‘But you wouldn’t want to go back.’

‘No,’ Vita said quietly. She paused. ‘You’ll be mad at me for saying this – and I know it’s probably irrational – but last week, finding out he’s still with this bloody Suzie woman, it’s knocked me sideways. I’ve been feeling – Christ! – insecure. It now feels like it diminishes what we ever had, as if he left me – for her.’ She gave Michelle an embarrassed smile.

Michelle wanted very much to call her crazy but she resisted. ‘You don’t want to be her and you don’t want what she has.’

Vita shrugged. ‘It’s. Just. Hard. It’s tough knowing there’s a woman placing her head in the crook of his shoulder where mine used to fit so nicely; that he’s spooning up to her at night. There they are, watching telly, side by side, while here’s me who can’t see the point of watching TV any more – how can you watch The Apprentice without someone with whom to marvel at the atrociousness of the contestants?’ Vita paused. ‘Then there’s the sex. And Sundays. And the domesticity of a shopping list. And something as stupid and enjoyable as compiling future rentals on Lovefilm dot com.’

Michelle nodded as she thought of her husband and the domesticity and the closeness and the lists on Lovefilm dot com. The safety and the pleasure.

‘I’ve been doing a lot of what-if thinking,’ Vita confessed as if it was a crime.

‘Let me guess,’ Michelle interrupted. ‘What if he’s changed! What if he’s turned over a new leaf! What if you gave him one more second chance – which would, over the years, probably amount to, let’s see, his third second chance? What if love means never having to say you’re sorry!’

‘What if I hadn’t been driven to check his messages and I hadn’t found “Sxxx” all over them like a rash – would it have run its course? Would we still be together? What if we’d set the date for the wedding – would he have been less tempted?’

Michelle looked at her levelly. ‘What if there’s a fantastic new breed of leopard that can miraculously change its spots! What if it’s all your fault – what if it’s you who made a stupid mistake in leaving him!’ It was as ridiculous as it was challenging.

Vita stared down at her uneaten goat’s cheese tartlet. ‘What if she’s the new me?’ she shrugged. ‘A new version, with improved features and a lifetime guarantee?’

‘What if it’s not about you,’ Michelle countered, ‘and it’s not even about her. Just him.’ Her tone softened. ‘Look, lady – you wanted what was wholesome but you were doomed, V, from the start – not from any failing on your part, but due to inadequacies on his. Please don’t fret about floozy Suzie. If Candy was here, she’d be banging on about her Laws of Karma – for the person who behaves badly, worse things await them. For those who behave well, rewards will be reaped. You’re entitled to something good now. I just can’t tell you when. Probably not this Saturday night at Mel and Des’s party – but you never know.’

Vita smiled and took a forkful of tart. ‘For all his faults, I did love him, you know.’

‘I do know,’ Michelle said, ‘and you’ll take all that love forward with you.’

‘Closure doesn’t come with one slam of the door,’ Vita told her. ‘Moving on isn’t a continuous forward momentum. It’s a process and this last week, it’s been a bit demoralizing for me to realize I’m not as near the end of it as I thought.’

‘It’s a journey, V – and you’re well on your way. Don’t dwell on all the crap that made you so sad – let’s welcome summer and all things new. Go home tonight and sort out what you’ll wear on Saturday – or borrow something of mine – and start gearing yourself up to enjoy yourself. It’s party time. It’s summertime. Look around you – everything is bursting with colour and warmth and vitality. The evenings are long. The days are gorgeous. Lie out in your deckchair on the patch of grass which that flipping tree doesn’t cast into shade – and get yourself a little bit of a tan before Saturday night.’

Vita tried to look convinced. Michelle could see she was trying and that was good enough for her. She’d be all right, her best and oldest friend. She’d get her bounce back. This was Vita – and her name meant life and it suited her very well.

‘Saturday, then?’ Michelle kissed her on each cheek, having walked her back to That Shop.

‘Saturday indeed,’ said Vita, not with reluctance but with a little trepidation.

She phoned her mother later, when she was home. She was sitting in the ‘Keep Calm and Carry On’ deckchair, her T-shirt sleeves rolled up and over her shoulders, her skirt pulled right up to her knickers. Fortunately, Mr Brewster next door was very short-sighted. He was very short, full stop. And polite too – he’d never think of looking over the fence. Not that he’d be able to.

Vita was about to tell her mum about the party; she thought it would make her happy, relieved. But suddenly there was something far more exciting to tell her because, from her deckchair, when she looked up, she could see that pears were just beginning to form. Small, misshapen and bitter green. But growing. Lots of them. Look at them all!

* * *

Jonty was doing homework when Oliver logged into his email account, the Hotmail one, the private one, the one his son couldn’t possibly know about. As a family, DeeDee had set them up with their own web address, all of them at Bourne three dot com: deedee@bournethree.com, jont@ bournethree.com, oliver@bournethree.com.

From the start, Oliver had rarely used it, entrusting DeeDee to check his inbox, to physically drag him to the computer, when absolutely necessary, to read some missive of merit. He told her he was always happy for her to respond on his behalf. She often did, signing off as Ols and sometimes having the last laugh by adding an inappropriate x or two. Nowadays, he logs in and deletes most of the messages, making a note on a pad of paper who’s been in touch so he can call them at some later date if he can remember. That evening, the inbox was crowded but he deleted most of them, still unread. Then he checked DeeDee’s account. New emails still arrived. Today, there were offers from Johnnie Boden and Jo Malone – as if they were personal friends. Ocado was trying to coax her back with discounts and free delivery if she could order before Friday. It was comforting that out there, she was still seen as alive.

Mostly, for email, Oliver used his work account bourne@ arbor-vitae.co.uk, but actually, he preferred the phone. A man in his mid-forties doesn’t really do the whole email thing as a social communication tool. Nine months after DeeDee died, however, he set up the Hotmail account, realizing there was a useful distinction between communication and contact. This account he does check regularly – not obsessively, but regularly and very privately. Furtively, rather than privately. A secret account, really, rather than simply a private one.

He logged on. There was an email in the inbox. He opened it. It was an invitation for that weekend. He thought he’d better respond straight away.

Saturday is good, he wrote. Let me know where and when.

The George and Dragon

‘And you’re here with—?’

This was the third time Vita had been asked the question, as if a girl like her couldn’t possibly be at a party like this on her own. Or be on her own, full stop.

The first time, she’d faltered and blurted out, Oh, I’m here on my own – because, because I’m not with anyone. Not any more. Just me – I’m on my own, you see. Which is why I’m here – er, on my own but it’s a nice party, isn’t it. And the woman had given her a kindly nod contradicted by a slightly startled look about the eyes. So after that, Vita had taken to saying, I’m here with Michelle and Chris. Because everybody there knew Michelle and Chris.

‘I’m so glad you’re here.’ Michelle came up behind Vita and gave her a squeeze. ‘And you look good enough to eat.’

She’d been with Vita when she’d bought that frock this time last year, a shift dress in soft raspberry hemmed in velvet the colour of blueberry. ‘You look like summer pudding.’

‘Better than Eton mess,’ Vita said, thinking back to the first outfit she’d tried on – a cream top with a skirt of splodgy reds. God, the trauma of changing time and again, earlier that evening. How she cursed Tim for not being there – completely overlooking how she’d cursed him when, on occasion, he’d given her a look just before they went out which said, Honey – I’m not sure about the frock. It had hurt like crazy and such evenings had been marred because of it. But he’d loved the dress she was wearing tonight. She’d given herself a twirl in her bedroom and she’d stopped and stared straight at herself. Amazing how he could both raise my self-confidence and dash it. And yet she did long for him just then, to hear him say, Come on, woman! We’re late already – nice frock, by the way. Instead she called out Bye! to the emptiness of the house, locked the door and made small talk with the cab driver.

Michelle hugged her, Mel did too. Their husbands brought her drinks and food. Then they made a really sweet, attentive job of introducing her to anyone they were talking to. And Vita worked hard to join in breezily, to laugh alongside them and nod or frown at appropriate moments. She raised her glass in a nonchalant way when they drifted away naturally to socialize elsewhere while she dealt with the excruciating intervals when she found herself alone, standing like a lemon with a casual smile fixed to her face while she gazed vaguely around the room. What she wanted to do was go home and watch TV in her jimjams. And it was hard work when Michelle so sweetly passed by every now and then with a fresh drink for her and a really genuine, Are you OK? Isn’t this fun! The only reply possible was to nod and grin some more and say, Yeah! It’s great! because it wasn’t the place to say, Mushroom this is torture.

‘He’s single,’ Michelle whispered, bringing Vita a cosmopolitan. She was nodding towards an oaf of a man with a laugh as bad as his shoes, who already had food and drink splattered over his taut shirt like bad graffiti.

Momentarily, Vita looked at Michelle in horror until she saw the sly smile. ‘Cow.’

‘Moo,’ said Michelle, matter-of-factly. She scouted around the room. ‘I don’t think you’re going to pull tonight.’

‘I’m not here to pull,’ Vita said levelly, ‘I’m here because you told me to come.’

Michelle looked at her gravely. ‘Well, I’m glad you came.’ She looked over Vita’s shoulder, smiled and raised her glass. ‘Come and talk to Annie. She’s lovely. She’s single. She went out with a real shit – he’d disappear without warning on drunken benders which lasted days on end. And Corinne – her ex gambled away all his money and then started on hers, but she’s picked herself up and dusted herself down. Di over there found out her husband went dogging. Radiant, all of them – don’t you think?’

As Vita let herself be led over, she thought, Why do I want to make small talk with strangers when all we have in common is the thing I hate most? I am reluctantly single. No doubt I am now known as Vita, the one whose fiancé couldn’t keep it in his trousers. I don’t want to spend my evening alternately slagging off men and then raucously talking of pulling them too.