Assert Yourself: Simple Steps to Build Your Confidence

• the influence of other relatives, such as big sisters or brothers

• what sort of school did we go to and how did we get on with the teachers and other children?

• what did we achieve at school and later at work?

• our sex – in our society women tend to be passive while men are often aggressive

• our social class – sometimes money and power make it easier for us to be more assertive though unfortunately they also seem to encourage aggressive behaviour.

Assertiveness Training does not strictly speaking concern itself with the causes of problems but rather with the development of appropriate skills to cope with them. In my groups, however, I am finding it more and more helpful to spend some time looking at this question.

Before coming on a course, unassertive people are so busy blaming themselves for being so inadequate that they haven’t given a thought as to how their personal and social background might have affected their behaviour. A little understanding of how we become unassertive can help reduce the feelings of guilt and give your self-esteem and motivation a boost.

Many centuries ago Virgil came to this same conclusion!

Why Bother to be Assertive?

It is important at the start of any Assertiveness Training programme to be very clear about both the advantages and disadvantages of becoming more assertive.

Most people register on my courses because they hope that if they learn to be more assertive, they will get more of what they want. Unfortunately, this is not always true.

Assertiveness Training helps us to communicate our needs more openly and honestly but it cannot guarantee that they will be met. Assertive behaviour more often leads to compromise and negotiation rather than an outright win for one party. Often, manipulative, ‘behind the back’ techniques and aggressive behaviour actually gets us more of what we want in terms of material goods or power. It does so, though, often at great expense to our personal relationships and self-esteem. Biographies of very many powerful and successful people reveal loneliness and feelings of self-deprecation.

Assertiveness Training teaches us to behave in such a way so that we do not continually come away from situations feeling bad about ourselves. We will come away with the satisfaction that we ‘did our best’ and did not abuse the rights of others.

The good news is that people who are generally assertive are confident and relaxed people who are happy simply to be themselves.

Assertive people are aware both of their strengths and their weaknesses. They are not afraid of taking risks and know that by doing so, they will probably make many mistakes.

If you are assertive you will view mistakes positively and see them as an opportunity to learn and do better next time. You will have learned to gauge your successes by your own capabilities and potential rather than by continually comparing yourself with other people. Accepting your own capabilities will help you to set yourself realistic goals so that you do not continually put yourself into situations where you will feel a failure.

Being assertive also means accepting that not everyone in the world will be kind and caring towards you. You will develop the ability to spot when you are being abused or ‘put down’ and you will know how to cope with unfair criticism and exploitation.

Finally, you will learn to use assertiveness appropriately. You will be aware that there are some situations when it is wise to take a back seat and some where it is appropriate to fight for your, and others’, rights. An obvious example of when assertive behaviour might not be appropriate would be when you or others are in physical danger.

Yes, certainly learning to be assertive is worth the effort. Even the process of learning the skills can be challenging and fun.

An Assertiveness Training group may be exhausting but most people find the supportive, caring and often humorous atmosphere a wonderful experience. They treasure the unique opportunity to be completely open about their strengths and weaknesses and help each other work constructively on their problems.

The support you can get in an Assertiveness Training group can help you to cope with the inevitable changes in your life and relationships. For some people these changes may take place very smoothly, but for others the period of transition can be very stressful.

It is not uncommon for many people at the end of an Assertiveness Training course to feel dissatisfied with some of their previous relationships. As they become more assertive they realize how discouraging these relationships have been and unless the other person is willing to change or adapt, a parting of the ways often results.

The period between ending a friendship and finding a more satisfying replacement can be unsettling. This is when you will find the support of ‘true friends’ and your group invaluable.

CHAPTER 2 (#ulink_ed754efa-ec7f-5593-a365-49b5654f3dee)

The Essence of Assertiveness (#ulink_ed754efa-ec7f-5593-a365-49b5654f3dee)

What is the Difference Between Aggression, Passivity and Assertion?

Every person at some time has to cope with a problem. I have always found it very useful to spend a considerable amount of time helping people to distinguish between three ways of behaving when they are facing a problem.

Two basic instinctual responses when encountering a problem are Flight (passivity) and Fight (aggression). Many mental health and relationship problems are caused by an over-reliance on these two basic animal responses.

Man, however, has developed a third response more suited to the solving of the kind of relationship problems he has encountered through community living. This response involves the use of his more sophisticated brain and verbal skills. It is his ability to Discuss, Argue and Negotiate.

Since writing the first edition of this book, I have heard Nelson Mandela talk movingly on just this subject. He is one of my major role-models of assertiveness, but he had to struggle, like me, to find this third way. He talked about how his auto-response to the injustices in South Africa made him want to ‘fight’. He had to learn to control this response and, as he put it, make his brain triumph over his blood. He knew that, however justified his anger was, it would not get him or his people what they deserved and wanted. When he came out of prison, he made a conscious decision to suppress his primitive instinctual response, and use the power of his thinking brain, instead, to plan and direct his actions and behaviour.

This is exactly what assertiveness training is all about. By doing the exercises, either on your own or in a group, we re-train ourselves to adopt this third response in situations where we ‘naturally’ either run away (physically or mentally), or fight back in frustration or rage. Nowadays, no one can be unaware of the dangers of using our fight/flight response too often. During the last decade of the 20th century, the media bombarded us with enough horror stories about the stress this causes. It can and does threaten our bodies, relationships and even our ability to keep a job or drive a car safely. This does not mean that, as I said earlier, there isn’t still a time and a place for the odd scream or an ingratiating smile. Assertiveness is not a cure-all. But it is usually the most effective and least stressful kind of behaviour to choose in 95 per cent of our everyday inter-actions. If it fails to get us what we want and need, we can then make a considered choice to use a more aggressive or passive style.

The first step in taking control of our more primitive and early conditioned aggressive and passive responses is to be-come much more aware of how they look and sound. Of course, we all know the obvious ones. When we shout, we know we are being aggressive, and when we squeak out an unnecessary apology we know we are being passive. But un-fortunately, some unassertive responses emerge in heavily disguised forms.

How often we are all fooled by the person who is ‘all talk and no action’ – or the ‘charming’ person who always manages to make us feel small and useless in their company.