Roderick Hudson

“Yes, I have. Rest!”

“You are too young to say that.”

“I am not young; I have never been young! My mother took care of that. I was a little wrinkled old woman at ten.”

“I am afraid,” said Rowland, in a moment, “that you are fond of painting yourself in dark colors.”

She looked at him a while in silence. “Do you wish,” she demanded at last, “to win my eternal gratitude? Prove to me that I am better than I suppose.”

“I should have first to know what you really suppose.”

She shook her head. “It would n’t do. You would be horrified to learn even the things I imagine about myself, and shocked at the knowledge of evil displayed in my very mistakes.”

“Well, then,” said Rowland, “I will ask no questions. But, at a venture, I promise you to catch you some day in the act of doing something very good.”

“Can it be, can it be,” she asked, “that you too are trying to flatter me? I thought you and I had fallen, from the first, into rather a truth-speaking vein.”

“Oh, I have not abandoned it!” said Rowland; and he determined, since he had the credit of homely directness, to push his advantage farther. The opportunity seemed excellent. But while he was hesitating as to just how to begin, the young girl said, bending forward and clasping her hands in her lap, “Please tell me about your religion.”

“Tell you about it? I can’t!” said Rowland, with a good deal of emphasis.

She flushed a little. “Is it such a mighty mystery it cannot be put into words, nor communicated to my base ears?”

“It is simply a sentiment that makes part of my life, and I can’t detach myself from it sufficiently to talk about it.”

“Religion, it seems to me, should be eloquent and aggressive. It should wish to make converts, to persuade and illumine, to sway all hearts!”

“One’s religion takes the color of one’s general disposition. I am not aggressive, and certainly I am not eloquent.”

“Beware, then, of finding yourself confronted with doubt and despair! I am sure that doubt, at times, and the bitterness that comes of it, can be terribly eloquent. To tell the truth, my lonely musings, before you came in, were eloquent enough, in their way. What do you know of anything but this strange, terrible world that surrounds you? How do you know that your faith is not a mere crazy castle in the air; one of those castles that we are called fools for building when we lodge them in this life?”

“I don’t know it, any more than any one knows the contrary. But one’s religion is extremely ingenious in doing without knowledge.”

“In such a world as this it certainly needs to be!”

Rowland smiled. “What is your particular quarrel with this world?”

“It ‘s a general quarrel. Nothing is true, or fixed, or permanent. We all seem to be playing with shadows more or less grotesque. It all comes over me here so dismally! The very atmosphere of this cold, deserted church seems to mock at one’s longing to believe in something. Who cares for it now? who comes to it? who takes it seriously? Poor stupid Assunta there gives in her adhesion in a jargon she does n’t understand, and you and I, proper, passionless tourists, come lounging in to rest from a walk. And yet the Catholic church was once the proudest institution in the world, and had quite its own way with men’s souls. When such a mighty structure as that turns out to have a flaw, what faith is one to put in one’s poor little views and philosophies? What is right and what is wrong? What is one really to care for? What is the proper rule of life? I am tired of trying to discover, and I suspect it ‘s not worth the trouble. Live as most amuses you!”

“Your perplexities are so terribly comprehensive,” said Rowland, smiling, “that one hardly knows where to meet them first.”

“I don’t care much for anything you can say, because it ‘s sure to be half-hearted. You are not in the least contented, yourself.”

“How do you know that?”

“Oh, I am an observer!”

“No one is absolutely contented, I suppose, but I assure you I complain of nothing.”

“So much the worse for your honesty. To begin with, you are in love.”

“You would not have me complain of that!”

“And it does n’t go well. There are grievous obstacles. So much I know! You need n’t protest; I ask no questions. You will tell no one—me least of all. Why does one never see you?”

“Why, if I came to see you,” said Rowland, deliberating, “it would n’t be, it could n’t be, for a trivial reason—because I had not been in a month, because I was passing, because I admire you. It would be because I should have something very particular to say. I have not come, because I have been slow in making up my mind to say it.”

“You are simply cruel. Something particular, in this ocean of inanities? In common charity, speak!”

“I doubt whether you will like it.”

“Oh, I hope to heaven it ‘s not a compliment!”

“It may be called a compliment to your reasonableness. You perhaps remember that I gave you a hint of it the other day at Frascati.”

“Has it been hanging fire all this time? Explode! I promise not to stop my ears.”

“It relates to my friend Hudson.” And Rowland paused. She was looking at him expectantly; her face gave no sign. “I am rather disturbed in mind about him. He seems to me at times to be in an unpromising way.” He paused again, but Christina said nothing. “The case is simply this,” he went on. “It was by my advice he renounced his career at home and embraced his present one. I made him burn his ships. I brought him to Rome, I launched him in the world, and I stand surety, in a measure, to—to his mother, for his prosperity. It is not such smooth sailing as it might be, and I am inclined to put up prayers for fair winds. If he is to succeed, he must work—quietly, devotedly. It is not news to you, I imagine, that Hudson is a great admirer of yours.”

Christina remained silent; she turned away her eyes with an air, not of confusion, but of deep deliberation. Surprising frankness had, as a general thing, struck Rowland as the key-note of her character, but she had more than once given him a suggestion of an unfathomable power of calculation, and her silence now had something which it is hardly extravagant to call portentous. He had of course asked himself how far it was questionable taste to inform an unprotected girl, for the needs of a cause, that another man admired her; the thing, superficially, had an uncomfortable analogy with the shrewdness that uses a cat’s paw and lets it risk being singed. But he decided that even rigid discretion is not bound to take a young lady at more than her own valuation, and Christina presently reassured him as to the limits of her susceptibility. “Mr. Hudson is in love with me!” she said.

Rowland flinched a trifle. Then—“Am I,” he asked, “from this point of view of mine, to be glad or sorry?”

“I don’t understand you.”

“Why, is Hudson to be happy, or unhappy?”

She hesitated a moment. “You wish him to be great in his profession? And for that you consider that he must be happy in his life?”

“Decidedly. I don’t say it ‘s a general rule, but I think it is a rule for him.”

“So that if he were very happy, he would become very great?”

“He would at least do himself justice.”

“And by that you mean a great deal?”

“A great deal.”

Christina sank back in her chair and rested her eyes on the cracked and polished slabs of the pavement. At last, looking up, “You have not forgotten, I suppose, that you told me he was engaged?”

“By no means.”

“He is still engaged, then?”

“To the best of my belief.”

“And yet you desire that, as you say, he should be made happy by something I can do for him?”