Lust

Was the guard hit? (#ulink_fb536799-fe34-580a-9b5b-57e65481a0da)

Philip did not come back until gone 2.00 AM.

All lights were out and Michael was nearly asleep when he heard the front door wheeze and grumble its way open. Phil let it swing back and slam. It took him forever to lay out his keys, undress, have a glass of water, pee, flush, belch. My God, how long can it take someone to get to bed? Perhaps he was just washing himself after sex.

When he finally lay down next to Michael, Philip fell instantly asleep. His breath rattled out of him like leaves blown along a sidewalk. He smelled of cheap red wine.

Michael was left awake, full of lust, but not for Phil.

He thought of the Cherub: the smooth pink arms, the smooth pink face, the ready smile. Michael saw him again, prone on the platform, undignified, head over heels and his face sad with questions, as if he had learned about death for the first time.

I won’t sleep, thought Michael.

It is bad behaviour to wank in the same bed as your partner. Michael got up and went to the bathroom. Michael tried to ease the bathroom light on soundlessly, but it snapped anyway. It sounded as loud as a gunshot.

And there, standing in the shower-bath as Michael had really rather known he would be, was Tony.

The Cherub looked like he had been scanned in from a photograph and pasted onto another image. His back was towards Michael. He was drying himself with a white gym towel. Michael did not own any white towels. His scientific mind clocked: towels are part of the deal.

So was the perfect, pink, hairless bottom, rounded muscle so lean that the cheeks were parted even standing up. The anus was visible, pouting as if for a kiss. Michael touched Tony’s shoulder, and he turned around. His face had the same baffled expression. Michael wanted him to smile. Smile, he yearned.

The Cherub smiled in delight. Michael kissed his cheek. Tony’s smile did not respond. It remained fixed and dazzling.

Michael sat down on the lid of the toilet. Tony’s penis was still recognizably stale from being swaddled all day, even in the most evenly white, clean briefs. Michael checked that the head was dry, permitted it to enter his mouth once. The penis swelled, lengthened, and went bulbous at the head. Michael pulled back.

Michael touched Tony’s body, started to masturbate and told Tony to do the same. Tony leaned back against the bathroom door, head thrown back, eyes closed, as he would have done if he were alone. Michael looked at his beautiful body as if it were a photograph in a magazine. The Cherub came arching into space.

Then the room cleared as if a mist had been burned off. Michael padded back into the darkened bedroom where Phil still snored. Michael had a moment’s worry: he’ll smell it on me. Then he realized the tastes and smells on his tongue and fingers had all evaporated. Leaving nothing.

In the morning, the mystery remained.

As always Philip slept on while Michael prepared instant coffee and granola. I must have dreamed it, thought Michael. He picked up his filofax and looked at his notes from the night before. There was hardly anything useful except for one clear question.

Was the guard hit?

He walked to Goodge Street tube. There must have been an unusual shift pattern, because the same guard was lurking behind the barriers. Or maybe he just needed the money. He was propped up against the wall and nodded a grim good morning at Michael.

Michael shuffled his apologies. ‘Uh. I’m sorry about last night. Did he hit you?’

The guard looked up, bleary from lack of sleep, angry at first for being disturbed. Then he remembered to be civil. ‘Sorry?’

‘Um. Last night. That big bloke who was a bit woozy. You came running after me and I thought he’d hit you.’

The blue eyes were too pale; there was something frozen about them. ‘You must want someone else, mate.’

Michael shook his head at his own mistake. ‘Of course. You wouldn’t get two shifts in a row would you?’

‘I would. I need the money. I was here last night, but there was no big man. Sorry.’

Michael stood frozen. All right, Tony had not been real. ‘But don’t you remember talking to me?’

The guard wanted to read his paper. It was called Loot and sold houses and cars to people who had no money to buy them. He lowered the paper. ‘There was something. You were standing there by the barriers.’ He gestured towards them, scowling, looking as baffled as the Cherub had the night before. Michael saw that he needed a shave. ‘That’s it. You were drunk.’ The guard’s lip curled, and he lifted up his paper. He looked pretty and petulant and butch, all at once. ‘You were right out of it, mate. So that explains it then. All right?’ He stared stonily at his paper. Conversation over. They waited for the lifts to arrive.

I didn’t drink anything. Michael reconstructed the entire night and day in his mind. He hadn’t been to the pub. He hadn’t drunk a thing.

The guard rocked himself away from the wall on which he was leaning, and punched big silver keys. The lift door opened.

I must be going nuts, Michael thought.

‘Sleep tight,’ said the guard and gave him a cheery, leery grin.

There were smiling Japanese tourists in the lift. You are bowing to a crazy man, Michael told them in his mind.

I made the whole thing up. I had a bad experience in the sauna, my life is shit, I’ve been depressed for years without doing anything about it, and now I’ve gone and broken my brain.

Christ. Michael remembered the feel of Tony’s skin, its smell, its taste. It increases your respect for schizophrenics, really. They’re not just a bit muddled. All those brain cells get tickled up, and they start making brand-new sentences of sight and sound and touch. The new sentences are lies, but they feel like the real thing.

You lose a certain kind of innocence when you go crazy. You used to take it for granted that your brain shows you what’s actually out there. Now all you’ve got left is doubt, Michael.

But then, science is built on doubt.

The train bounced and rattled him, like life.

At the lab, Michael strolled through his normal routine as if sleepwalking.

He fed his smartcard into the reader at the front door. He said hello to the security guard Shafiq and showed him his pass. He went down the line of offices, one by one. None of them had windows.

Hello, Ebru! Hello boss! It amused Ebru to call him boss.

Hiya Emilio, how’s the system? Why you ask? It’s great like always!

He heard their voices, as if in his own head, as if no one were really speaking.

In his own office, Michael slipped into his entirely symbolic white lab coat. He asked Hugh to check the thermostat readings in the darkroom. ‘If the temperature goes much under or over thirty-eight, give me a shout.’

And he sat down and he had no idea what to do. His desk stared back at him, as orderly as his notebooks. There were three new things in his in tray, and the out tray was empty. On his PC would be a timed list of things to do.

What the fuck do I do now?

Look in the Yellow Pages for psychotherapists? Do they section people right away? Should I be writing my letter of resignation? What do you do when you realize you’re seeing things?

You might just try to see if it’s going to happen again. Look, I’m still capable. I can say maybe it won’t happen again, maybe it was just a one-off, something that only happened once. Maybe I’m better already.

Put another way: just how badly broken am I?

The door opened and the sound was as sudden and as loud as if he made it up, and Michael jumped up and turned around.

It was Ebru. ‘First day post.’ She always made English sound like something delicious to eat: post almost became pasta. She passed him five different coloured files – his sorted mail.