We: A Manifesto for Women Everywhere

Now cross out your original sentence and then say out loud the new message you have given yourself. Every time you notice a negative thought coming into your head, repeat your new message until the negative thought has gone.

Each morning and each evening for the next 14 days, when you brush your teeth, look in the mirror and say your message out loud to yourself three times. Look yourself in the eyes and say it tenderly, as you would to someone you care about. Are you cringing? If so, that’s good – it means you’re hitting a live nerve. Morning and night, eyeball to eyeball in the mirror, three times. Try it. You’ve nothing to lose but a bit of pride, and everything to gain!

How will you ever know whether there’s a better way unless you try?

This technique for reprogramming our internal message machine can feel incredibly awkward when we begin. ‘What if someone hears me talking to myself?’ It’s ironic that so many of us have no problem with bombarding ourselves with negative messages but then feel embarrassed by the prospect of giving ourselves kind, positive and encouraging ones.

You’ll be amazed at how changing the way you talk to yourself will make a difference in your life. For a start, you’ll begin to enjoy your own company more – who wants to spend time alone with someone who’s going to be mean or moan all the time? But more importantly, it starts to change how you actually feel about yourself. Having positive thoughts coursing through your mind can’t help but lift your spirits … and your attitude.

And then, of course, the magic multiplying effect of this exercise starts to kick in. As you feel better about yourself, your perception of the world around you starts to shift, and your relationships start to miraculously improve. And this is just the beginning of the process. Please don’t take our word for this: try it out for yourself. The changes may be almost imperceptible at first, but they will accumulate. There is so much more that is good to come.

TIP: Write your message on a Post-it note and, if you feel comfortable to, stick it to your bathroom mirror. Otherwise keep it somewhere you’ll see it often to remind yourself that you are in the process of learning a vital, life-transforming new habit.

I’ve found great benefit in creating an internal intolerance towards self-criticism. Granted, it isn’t foolproof and is a work in progress, but it works more often than not. The second a negative thought even reaches the periphery of my mind, I try to banish it – kind of like Dr. Evil’s ‘shhh’ in Austin Powers – humour really helps! If I were to let the thought develop, it might look like: ‘If only I looked like so and so’ or ‘If only I was right for that job, but I’m not, so I’m just not going to try’. It doesn’t matter how big or small the thought; I let it go before it gets beyond the ‘If’. For me, just the act of refusing to let a negative thought into my consciousness is liberating.

I spent years doing the opposite and letting the negativity sit there and grow until it led to further self-deprecating thoughts and inaction. Suddenly, I’d find it was 20 minutes later and I’d forgotten to wish my colleague happy birthday, follow up on something important, or sign up for something that would have been enjoyable or even life-changing, because of self-obsessing and essentially self-harming.

GA

One day my teenage son, who had exams fast approaching, came to me and said he felt ill. ‘Push through it,’ I told him. ‘Just get one more hour in.’ His face fell as he dragged himself back to his desk, and as he went I realized I was passing on exactly the lesson I’d learned in childhood – ‘Don’t stop, ever. Even if you’re ill, you’ve got to keep working or you won’t amount to anything’.

I’d carried that same message into my working life as a journalist and it had eventually resulted in my burning out. And yet, here I was, all those years later – despite having worked on myself – passing on exactly the same harmful message to my son.

I boiled the kettle, made him a mug of honey and hot lemon and insisted he close his books and lie down on the sofa and relax instead. The relief and gratitude that swept across his poor tired face reminded me that knowing how to be kind to himself would carry him further in life than any uplift in his grades that the extra hour’s study might have given him.

JN

Reflection

‘Imagine how much happier we would be, how much freer to be our true individual selves, if we didn’t have the weight of gender expectations.’

CHIMAMANDA NGOZI ADICHIE

If I don’t take care of myself I can start thinking I am only my job or someone’s wife or mother. Or I can think I am my body weight, my looks or my brain. Before long I’m telling myself I’m fat or lazy or dumb or hopeless.

And then I remember the truth. That who I am is not dependent on any thing I own, have or do. That I exist beneath and beyond the facts of my life – that I’m a spiritual being on a human quest.

Action: Today I will be kind to myself.

Affirmation: This is who I am and I feel glad to be me.

Essential Practice 3

RESPONSIBILITY: (#ulink_95ef951c-883c-5e6e-b2d1-e907e097ad0f)

Taking Care of Ourselves

‘When I was around 18, I looked in the mirror and said, “You’re either going to love yourself or hate yourself.” And I decided to love myself. That changed a lot of things.’

QUEEN LATIFAH

As women we often find it far easier to give love than to receive it. Culturally we’re encouraged to be selfless, putting others’ needs before our own. It can feel more comfortable to love our friends, partners and children than ourselves. Being kind to yourself can even feel indulgent, greedy and selfish. But it isn’t. It’s vital.

Our bodies need love just as much as our hearts and minds – and if they don’t get it, they often start filling the deficit by looking for it elsewhere. Perhaps in a partner who’s not good for us, in endless box sets, or tubs of Häagen-Dazs. Or maybe it’ll play out at work where we crave a disproportionate amount of recognition or online as we develop a low-level shopping addiction.

Ignoring our needs can become habitual. Sometimes we don’t even realize we’re doing it, and we may not even see it as a problem. Maybe we’re comfortable living small – or, at least, we tell ourselves we are. We may give ourselves just enough to get by so there are no crises, but we never actually reach our full potential.

Some of us shove our wants and needs deep down inside so that we can be nice. Or maybe we call it being realistic. If we don’t ‘want’, we can’t be disappointed when we don’t ‘get’, our subconscious reasoning goes. But our needs are still there, gnawing away at us from beneath layers of self-protection. The problem is, we risk sabotaging the good that awaits us if we don’t attend to them.

EXERCISE: Befriend Yourself

This is an exercise to help you identify the things you may be missing in life.

Have your journal handy. Then take five breaths in and out to centre yourself. Now imagine that a close female friend – someone you really love – is having a tough time. You invite her to stay over for a few days and to prepare for her arrival you make a list of things you could do to make her feel loved and cared for. Perhaps you’ll run her a hot bubble bath at the end of each day to unwind. Maybe you’ll take her to a movie or a walk through the park to your favourite coffee shop. Or perhaps download a comedy that you know will make her laugh or create a special playlist for her to listen to.

Make your own list – put at least ten things on it. Notice what happens to your energy as you write each item. Let yourself imagine how happy and cared for she’ll feel. Now circle the three things that you think would be most fun and uplifting for her to do.

OK, here’s your assignment: do those three things for YOURSELF. Take out your diary and schedule them in. Notice any resistance – in particular the voice that tells you this is silly or that you’re too busy/tired/broke. From now on you’re going to cherish yourself as you would someone you love deeply. If you’ve got time to do more than three then go for it. And don’t forget to enjoy yourself – this exercise is about allowing yourself to have fun.

The list you’ve just made is a great resource. You can turn to it when the going gets tough. Add to it whenever you think of something else you’d enjoy and use it whenever you feel needy or depleted. As a rule of thumb, schedule a minimum of one fun or nurturing experience every week. More if you’re able.

‘I’ve been searching for ways to heal myself, and I’ve found that kindness is the best way.’

LADY GAGA

As you do the work laid out in this book, one of your aims will be to treat yourself as if you were your own best friend.

If you find yourself about to do something that might cause you harm, ask, ‘Would I do this to someone I love?’ If you find you’re berating yourself for a mistake, ask, ‘Would I talk like this to someone I love?’ If you find you’re ‘comfort’ eating or spending money you haven’t got, ask yourself, ‘Would I want someone I love to do that to themselves?’ It takes time to establish new behaviours, but do your very best to interrupt any negative habitual responses that you notice as often as you can.

Don’t blame or shame yourself; have compassion, and use your list to come up with kinder ways of comforting yourself. Some may find this harder than others, some may even find it excruciating. But it’s really important that the love starts with you, that you start embracing all aspects of yourself from here on out to the best of your ability. It may seem like a mountain to climb today, but we’re all in this together and there will be hundreds if not thousands of women on the same path to extend a helping hand.

Precious vessels

‘Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation, and that is an act of political warfare.’

AUDRE LORDE

Our bodies house all that is vital to our existence, yet we judge them and abuse them, and allow others to as well. Eating disorders and rates of self-harm continue to escalate and even those of us who stop short of obviously harmful behaviours often struggle with how we see ourselves.

Billions of dollars are spent each year trying to convince us that our lives would be better if we changed the way we looked. We may think of ourselves as independent-minded feminists, but on average we spend more time and money on trying to look good than ever before. Even the women’s magazines that profess to boost our independence and confidence frequently encourage us to compare and improve our bodies, boosting sales by stoking our fear that we’re not good enough as we are.

It’s not surprising so many of us struggle with how we see ourselves and, by extension, how we treat ourselves.

Criticizing our physical form can also be a way of avoiding our real feelings. It can be easier to hate our bodies than to admit we’re feeling sad or lonely or let down. Plus, if we can blame our physical body for our situation, we have an element of control and a scapegoat. Our subconscious thinking goes, ‘My body is to blame – and there’s something I can do about it – I can starve it or over-exercise it or ignore it.’

How we treat our bodies is an indicator of our emotional and spiritual state. If we’re not comfortable in our own skin it means we have internal work to do and emotional wounds to heal. Our ultimate goal is to inhabit our bodies and selves with ease, joy and grace.

As a result of walking this path we will come to see our bodies as unique and precious vessels rather than objects to criticize and compare. But for the principles to work their magic you first need to get some basics in place.