The Casual Ward: Academic and Other Oddments

Thucydides, an Athenian, wrote the history of the epidemic among the Oxonians, how they had the epidemic, having begun to write as soon as it broke out on No. 2 Staircase, and considering it to be the most noticeable of all that had appeared previously. (For the place was not liable to diseases at other times, but especially free from them, except that which affected the teeth: on account of which they used to go up to the metropolis, in word to consult the Delphic oracle but in deed to go to Olympia, so that not a few were banished from the city both for other reasons and not least this.) As to the causes of it, then, let any one speak who is aware of them: but I will show what things happened on account of it, having both myself put on an æger and seen others similarly afflicted, so that I can describe it with equal certainty more than the narrative of another not having done so, but relying on the incredibility of historians more than the sureness of experience.

For in the first beginning of the sickness men remembered what Homer says about the lower and higher animals in the Trojan business —

First did he assail the mules and fleet dogs, but afterward, aiming at the men his piercing dart, he smote, seeing that now too not less but equally as much first, the College Tutors were attacked, and next the scouts, and last of all the men themselves. But most of all the scouts were affected, and this caused the greatest calamity: so that a man must often wish that his scout might recover, wishing indeed contrary to nature, but being persuaded by the greatness of the surrounding misfortune, lest he should suffer even worse things at the hands of a scout’s boy, or considering it terrible if he shall lose even the daily enjoyment of his breakfast not being brought to him. And all laws concerning meals were brought into a state of confusion, so that many anticipated taking the commons of another. And they welcomed the hospitality of those outside the walls, regarding their hunger in the present as much more important than another man’s inability to pay his debts in the future.

But when the men themselves began to suffer, then indeed the disease was the commencement of lawlessness to a greater extent for the city. For cuttings of chapels and avoidings of lectures, which are an agony for the present more than a possession for ever, and in short all such things as the indulgence of was formerly more disguised, these a man easily dared to do, it being uncertain on the one hand whether his tutor has the influenza, and on the other if he himself might not put on an æger before being hauled he should pay the penalty. And though some, indeed, did things exactly contrary to this, and being before unaccustomed now went in the morning with a run to chapel in order that fewer being present the paradoxicalness of their appearance when compared with the multitude of those who were absent might gain them a prestige of virtue not real but simulated – yet with most there was now neither fear of the Dean by land nor by sea of their coaches: disobeying whom they ate and drank all kinds of things contrary to law, no one being willing to exert himself for that which seemed to be honourable, and calculating that the present abstention from pastry was not equivalent to the possibility of being bumped in the future about as much and not less than if he had smoked three pipes and a cheroot. And not only was injustice prevalent among those who were as yet in good health, but many of those in the ships, being or seeming to themselves to be sick, had their places taken by others accustomed rather to fight upon the land, whose manly inexperience, though in word more creditable than the cowardice combined with experience of the others, was in reality less powerful than the language which those on the bank thought worthy to use concerning them.

Nevertheless, about this time the Oxonians sent an expedition against Cambridge, having manned a slow train to Bletchley, Nicolaidas being commander second himself; and they advanced as far as Third Trinity, and having ravaged part of the land and set up a trophy, they returned home.

HERODOTUS ON HORSEBACK

At this time the Chancellor being among the Oxonii there was instituted a contest of horses such as this nation is accustomed to celebrate every spring. And this contest is of such a kind, not being well arranged according at least to my opinion: – Having dug trenches and built other ramparts parallel indeed to each other but transversely to the running of the horses themselves, they do not any longer stand round them invoking the gods as those do who play golf, but on the contrary, when they have placed men upon horses they cause them to cross these by leaping under the lash, as far as the goal: and whoever anticipates the others arriving at the goal, sitting at least on the same horse on which sitting he set out, and not it running, having left him behind, nor he himself on foot, he is considered to have conquered. The reason why I said that this contest is not well arranged, is of the following kind: because it being possible to contend in a level place without danger or difficulty, the Oxonii nevertheless themselves make obstacles so as to prevent the horses from (not) arriving at the end of the course, neither being compelled nor there being any necessity (οὐδεμίης ἀναγκαίης ἐούσης). Then, however, they did these things, and also, as they are accustomed to do on such occasions, they sent messengers to inquire of other prophets and also of the Delphic oracle who should be the conqueror. The Pythian priestess, being mindful how she had formerly made a good shot in respect of the Median business, replied in the hexameter rhythm that the issues of victory lay around a wooden wall. Now having this as a proof I will neither refuse to believe in oracles myself nor allow others to disbelieve them. For when the race had begun and the horses had been sent away by the sound of a trumpet, other men were taking part in the contest, and also Pheron the son of Trapezites a Corinthian: this is not the Pheron who, his father having founded a city, was himself expelled from it by the few, who were called Hetairi, because he had allied himself with the democracy forsooth (δηθεν). And there are other things written about this Pheron in the history composed by Proctor, who was tyrant of Oxonia second himself for one year, and in fact caused Pheron to fall out by reason of sedition. What I have said just now is a digression and refers to other matters, and I will now come back to my former story. So then the men, having in the first part of the contest done things worthy of themselves, and having for the most part, although not all, yet the majority, avoided the (not) falling into ditches and the like incurably at least, came presently to the wooden fence, which I conjecture to be the wall meant by the Delphic oracle. It being then necessary either remaining on the hither side to be driven away from all hope of the prize or leaping to run risks concerning their lives, and the rest having leapt in such a way that they crossed the fence sitting rather upon the ground than upon their horses, and some neither with them nor upon them, as the Lacedæmonians say about their shields: this Pheron, of whom I have before made mention, showed himself to be prudent in other things and also in this. He, having a horse much the most active of all the rest, was not left behind by it, but sat there holding on firmly until he had arrived at the farther side; and from thence, the race being easy for him, he came to the goal very much the first, having anticipated. In this way he obtained the prize. I have learnt the names of all the other competitors: but I do not think it proper to relate them, not now at least.

When the spectators had seen these things (and there was also a contest for the natives of the country, in which not a few were roughly handled) they returned in chariots to the city, driving not straight like the Greeks, but obliquely, as is customary. This story some relate, relating things credible to me at least; there being two Oxonii in one chariot, and no one else, one of them entreated the other after they had gone some way without misfortune that he also might be allowed to hold the reins of the horses: to whom the other replied “But – for do you not already hold them?” These men then having left such a memorial of themselves did nevertheless arrive safely at the city.

TAC. HIST., BK. VI

De Avla S. Edmvndi

1. Nunc initia causasque motus Mauretanici expediam. Mauretaniam post decessum Tedimurii cuicumque servitio expositam avaritia et mala cupidine fines augendi contemptis populi studiis occupaverant Brigantes, barbara gens. mox rectorem imposuere e sacerdotibus Peripateticorum instituta professum. non tulere Mauri intempestivam sapientiam. namque ut divitias ita librorum scientiam contemptui habent: et est plerisque indocta canities.

2. Pollebat inter Mauros Rursus quidam Aratus multa scholarum patientia. is collectis in aulam Edmundi popularibus ad seniores hunc in modum locutus fertur: “si apud rerum humanarum inscios verba facerem plura cohortandi causa dicenda erant. nunc autem sunt in oculis quibus alios iniuriis validiorum potentia laeserit. quid memorem Scotos Stubbinsiorum dominatu potitos? quid Tabernarios Balliolensibus traditos, mox ab iisdem suum lucrum ex aliena benevolentia comparantibus invitos venditos atque mancipatos? Scimmerios cum maxime Rhodesii subiectos habent, puerili rei nummariae imperitia generis humani regimen expostulantes. quanta profanarum litterarum scientia pacatissima loca polluerint, non est opus dictu apud gnaros. quid meliora ab iis expectatis qui Hiberniam nuper [praemii nomen] occupaverunt? eandem nobis Brigantes necessitatem imponent, gradum capessendi. et baccalaureos videbimus.” tum ad iuvenes conversus “eone ventum esset” interrogat “ut antiquissima aulae iura corrumpi sinerent? Reginensium specioso vocabulo nuncupatos pessimam servitutem passuros: praelectiones et deorum templa prope noctu insolitis adeunda: et praecipua foeditate Brigantium arcana. mox et specimen partium Magrathium remigare coacturum, eo immitius quia toleravisset. num et sanctissimam Edmundi effigiem nuper a cive in somnis visam inter quaggas et aprorum capita et eiusmodi ludicra fore ostentui? proinde simplex et pastoricius et aratro adsuetus populus priscam et traditam a patribus tranquillitatem coleret et tueretur.”

3. His et talibus accensos ducit in viam, Brigantium fines et principes ipsos gentis rutilo pigmento maculaturos, ni liberentur. egressis claudit portas Reginensis sacerdos, metu an conscientia dubium: nec non Brigantes quamquam civili bello distracti struxere vallum et loricam hostem arcendi. igitur utrinque exclusi palantur in viis Mauri: procurtoribus grata ea species nomina et collegii genus per ludibrium percunctantibus. mox ab Omnianimensibus propter mediocritatem doctrinae consimilibus hospitio accipiuntur: et inter socios conscribi concessum. ibi per speciem cruditatis interfecti. aula in formam provinciae redacta. nec enim magis iustis indiciis unquam adprobatum est, non esse curae Vice-Cancellario securitatem bonorum, esse exstinctionem.

THE JOURNALISTIC TOUCH[1 - 1897]

(I.) THE TRUE TALE OF TROY

(It is perhaps not generally known that the Daily Hieroglyphic, one of the leading morning papyri of Egypt under the – th Dynasty, despatched a special correspondent to Greece at the time of the Trojan War. Some fragments of his communications have been discovered by the energy of modern tomb-robbers, and the courtesy of the British Museum has enabled us to publish these disjecta membra, which may perhaps be of interest to the public at the present juncture.)

The only social événement (writes the correspondent under date Jan. 10, 1100 b. c., or thereabouts) which I have to chronicle is a reported domestic esclandre in the family of Menelaus, the genial and popular Prince of Sparta. In consequence of this the Princess Helena, it is alleged, has gone to Paris.

    Mycenae, January 12.

It appears from the Court Circular that Her Royal Highness has been advised by her physicians to reside for some time in Asia Minor. At the same time I cannot conceal the fact that the Corinthian society paper, Alethea, mentions the name of a Trojan prince in connexion with this story. I am naturally unwilling to make myself the mouthpiece of scandal.

    February 1.

The fact can no longer be disguised that grave international complications are likely to arise between Troy and Mycenae. It is stated on the highest authority that the Argive ambassador has been recalled from the former capital, the alleged reason being promotion to a still higher diplomatic post: there seems, however, to be no reasonable doubt that the practical rupture of relations between the Empires of the West and East is not remotely connected with the eternal maxim, “Cherchez la femme.” Much sympathy is expressed with H.R.H. Prince Menelaus.

    February 20.

Everything points to war. Orders for a substantial increase of the Navy have been placed in the hands of Messrs. Odysseus & Co., the celebrated firm of shipbuilders. Heroes are earnestly called for.

The Argive Chamber was, last Wednesday, the scene of an animated debate. M. Diomedes, War Minister, demanded a vote which would enable him to enrol three more phalanxes. He was bitterly opposed by M. Thersites, Leader of the Extreme Left, who demanded to know why the Achaean nation was to be plunged recklessly into war for the settlement of matters properly pertaining to the province of a Divorce Court. Fortunately for the success of M. Diomedes’ proposal, the closure was put in operation.

    Later.

M. Thersites’ funeral is announced for to-morrow (about the time of loosing oxen).

    February 25.

I cannot better describe the existing political situation than by quoting the opinion of leading newspapers in Achaea and elsewhere.

All the official journals are consistently warlike in tone. They declare that nothing will satisfy Achaean aspirations but the annexation of Helen. The Athenian Asty declares that should King Agamemnon employ the opened floodgates of popular enthusiasm as a stepping-stone to lop off another limb from the decaying trunk of the (so-called) Trojan Empire, he will have achieved a permanent blessing to civilization.

On the other hand, the Olympian Times comments severely on the precipitate action of Agamemnon, and animadverts on the rash proceedings which have led to a rupture that might have been averted by diplomacy. As the Times is understood to be the mouthpiece of the Powers, such an utterance may well give rise to the gravest apprehensions.

The Oracle– a Phocian organ of pronounced clerical tendencies – preserves an ambiguous tone.

Everything indicates a warlike attitude on the part of the entourage of King Priam. Hector Pasha has been appointed War Minister. The Prehistoric Post speaks of the enlistment of two new regiments of Hittite Bashi-Bazouks in the interior of Asia Minor. The Cassandra, however, a journal little read although supposed by some to be inspired, has constituted itself the organ of the peace party, and confidently predicts the destruction of Troy.

The Ephemerios Chronographos has received the following telegram from the veteran statesman Nestor: “Profound sympathy Achaean aspirations. Bag and baggage only possible policy. Postcard follows. – Nestor, Hawarden, Pylos.”

    March 1.

His Majesty and the Greek Fleet sailed to-day from Epidaurus, amid scenes of great enthusiasm. Her Majesty the Queen and His Excellency Count Aegisthus were both visibly affected. Mycenae is daily paraded by crowds shouting, “To Ilion!”

    March 8.

The Fleet is at Aulis, waiting until the process of raising the wind shall have been concluded. Meantime, the services of the notorious Klepht Achilles have been engaged. This popular enlistment creates great enthusiasm.

The report recently prevalent as to human sacrifices is contradicted this morning by an official démenti.

H.R.H. the Princess Iphigeneia has joined a Russian religious house.

Trojan bonds are quoted to-day at 53.8 (a fall of 0.2).

    Later.

The attitude of the Olympian Powers causes considerable anxiety.

    Tenedos, March 15.

Telegrams per Beacon will have informed you that the Powers have issued a Collective Note to the Greek expeditionary force, forbidding the landing of heroes and others. Notwithstanding this, there seems to be no doubt that several demi-gods under Achilles have landed, and are endeavouring to effect administrative reforms. Achaean newspapers of all shades condemn the recent action of Poseidon in attempting to raise a storm. Hector Pasha is committing atrocities.

    March 17.

In spite of the known discrepancy between the views of the Powers, they have issued a Collective Note urging upon His Majesty King Agamemnon the necessity of prompt withdrawal. In view of his possible refusal, it is understood that thunderbolts are in preparation, and Ares has been mobilized. This action is severely commented upon by the Achaean Press in general. The Phaeacian Daily Chronicle goes so far as to threaten a mass meeting in Trafalgar Square. Meanwhile, Hector Pasha is committing atrocities.

    March 18.

The Powers have issued Collective Notes to the contending parties. It is understood that nothing short of a Deus ex machina can avert a formal rupture of relations between the Courts of Troy and Mycenae, as acts which are liable to the interpretation of belligerency are daily committed.

The ambiguous attitude of Zeus tends to complicate the situation. His Majesty the King narrowly missed being hit by a thunderbolt this morning.

    March 20.