He’s Just Not That Into You: The No-Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys

Hey, what’s a self-help tome without a workbook? Our chapters will all be so brave and wise that we want to make sure you retain as much of the brilliance as you can. So for all of you who feel the need to get out of your problems and into your crayon box, have at it.

Love,

Greg and Liz

Remember in grade school how they told you not to write in your textbooks? Screw that! Grab a pen and list five reasons why you think you have every right or good reason to call him.

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

Put the book aside and wait an hour. Or at least ten minutes. Then ask yourself: Do I seem pathetic? Do I sound like someone who doesn’t trust my own innate hotness? Yes, you do! Now put your dialing finger away, get out of the house, and go find some fun.

P.S.: You just did a workbook exercise about a guy who hasn’t even extended to you the energy of a phone call. Why would you want to chase that down?

2 He’s Just Not That Into You If He’s Not Calling You (#ulink_557873c4-532b-5eba-a621-822e89ccd961)

Men know how to use the phone

Oh sure, they say they’re busy. They say that they didn’t have even a moment in their insanely busy day to pick up the phone. It was just that crazy. Bullshit. With the advent of cell phones and speed dialing it is almost impossible not to call you. Sometimes I call people from my pants pocket when I don’t even mean to. We may try to make you think differently, but we men are just like you. We like taking a break from our generally mundane day to talk to someone we like. It makes us happy. And we like to be happy. Just like you. If I were into you, you would be the bright spot in my horribly busy day. Which would be a day that I would never be too busy to call you.

The “But He’s Been Traveling a Lot” Excuse

Dear Greg,

I recently started dating a very nice man. He’s gentle, he’s affectionate, he’s attentive. It recently became a long-distance thing because of his work. The first problem is, he really doesn’t call me when he says he’s going to. Actually, he really doesn’t call me that much at all. A week will go by, and then I’ll call him, and then he’ll call me back four or five days later. But then when he does get me on the phone, it’s all “honey” and “baby” and “I miss you so much” and “when do I get to see you again?” Is he just not that into me, or can I just chalk it up to the crazy-long-distance thing?

Gina

Hey, Crazy Long Distance!

The only distance that’s bothering me is the very long distance between you and reality. (Okay, that was a little mean.) Example? In your second sentence you said, “He’s gentle, he’s affectionate, he’s attentive.” But a few sentences later you say, “He really doesn’t call me when he says he’s going to. Actually, he really doesn’t call me that much at all.” That is neither affectionate nor attentive. And it’s not gentle—it’s a harsh clanging bell that rings, “I’m just not that into you.” Why, then, is he nice when he calls, you ask? Because men are cowards and they would rather wait until the end of time than give you bad news. For the record, a man who likes you wants to spend time with you. And he’ll only settle for talking to you on the phone five times a day when he physically can’t get on a plane to come see you.

Don’t let the “honeys” and “babys” fool you. His sweet nothings are exactly that. They are much easier to say than “I’m just not that into you.” Remember, actions speak louder than “There’s no cell reception where I am right now.”

The “But He’s Got a Lot on His Mind” Excuse

Dear Greg,

On New Year’s Day, a guy I’d had a few dates with, who I was very excited about, was late for a date. I called him, and he, very apologetically, told me he had to go out of town to take care of his mother. He totally forgot to call me. I’m so confused. His mother is really sick, but it wasn’t a desperate emergency; he just had to drive out to Connecticut. Greg, I really like this guy. Please say a sick mother is a good enough excuse to forgive him, and believe he still can be into me.

Bobbie

Dear New Year,

Ah yes, here’s a bad excuse in sick mother’s clothing. Because still, no matter what, what he’s telling you is, “You’re not on my mind.” Because if you were, he would have called you expressing great regret at not being able to spend the day with you. If he had the time to pack and travel, he had the time to call you, and he chose not to. (You call it “forget.” I call it “chose not to.”) When you like someone, they don’t just slip your mind. Especially on New Year’s Day. I know it may seem like he had a good excuse, but sadly, I think your New Year started off with a big glass of “He’s Just Not That Into You.” Now nurse your hangover and find someone who won’t forget to call you.

The big question here is, “Is it okay for a guy to forget to call me?” I’m saying to you, “No.” Barring disaster—someone had to be rushed to the hospital, he was just fired from his job, someone keyed his Ferrari (kidding)—he should never forget to call you. If I like you, I don’t forget you, ever. Don’t you want the guy who’ll forget about all the other things in his life before he forgets about you?

The “He Just Says Things He Doesn’t Mean” Excuse

Dear Greg,

I’m dating this guy who ends conversations saying he’ll call me at a certain time. Like, “I’ll call you over the weekend.” Or “I’ll give you a call tomorrow.” Or if he has to take a call on the other line, he promises, “I’ll call you back in a few minutes.” And then he doesn’t. He always ends up calling, but almost never when he said he would. Should I read something into this, or should I just know to ignore whatever he says when he’s getting off the phone with me?

Annie

Dear Call Waiting,

Yes, you should read something into it. In fact the very something is “He’s Just Not That Into You.” Here’s the deal. Most guys will say what they think you want to hear at the end of a date or a phone call, rather than nothing at all. Some guys are lying, some guys really mean it. Here’s how you can tell the difference: You know they mean it when they actually do what they said they were going to do. Here’s something else to think about: Calling when you say you’re going to is the very first brick in the house you are building of love and trust. If he can’t lay this one stupid brick down, you ain’t never gonna have a house, baby. And it’s cold outside.

We have become a sloppy bunch of people. We say things we don’t mean. We make promises we don’t keep. “I’ll call you.” “Let’s get together.” We know we won’t. On the Human Interaction Stock Exchange, our words have lost almost all their value. And the spiral continues, as we now don’t even expect people to keep their word; in fact we might even be embarrassed to point out to the dirty liar that they never did what they said they’d do. So if a guy you’re dating doesn’t call when he says he’s going to, why should that be such a big deal? Because you should be dating a man who’s at least as good as his word.

The “Maybe We’re Just Different” Excuse

Dear Greg,

I live with my boyfriend who doesn’t like to talk on the phone. So when he goes out of town, he won’t call me—even to let me know that he got there safely. He just won’t call me. He goes out of town fairly often for business. We fight about it all the time. Sometimes I think that our styles are just different, and I’m going to have to learn how to compromise. But then I think that if you’re into someone, you would want to call them and talk to them while you’re away from them. Am I crazy?

Rachel

Dear Not Crazy,

Unless you are dating a spy, this behavior is unwarranted. I travel for a living and find that I call my lady three or four times a day. However, sometimes because of time differences we don’t connect. But I will, and she will, always leave a message. I have to say, as a guy I never liked being told to call, which my wife really never does, and that’s why I call her as often as I do. We have no rules about calling, but we like and love each other to the degree that we want to talk daily, if not hourly. Listen, I do think space in a relationship is good. Missing someone is a sign of a healthy relationship. Not respecting your need to have some form of connection with him while he’s away is not. Regardless of his dislike for talking on the phone, he should respect and care for you enough to call you, if only because he knows that it will make you happy.

Yes, it seems like it’s just a machine that transmits voice waves over wires and comes in different styles, like cordless, cellular, handheld, and rotary, but the truth is, the phone has officially reached a new high in relationship symbolism. Is a phone call just a phone call, or is it really the almighty representation of how much he really cares about you? Probably somewhere in the middle. And a good man will know that and use this handy telecommunication device accordingly. E-mails need not apply.

The “But He’s Very Important” Excuse

Dear Greg,

You’re dumb. A guy who I’m going out with (who I asked out, Greg, by the way) is totally important and totally busy. He’s a music video director and travels and has long shoots and lots and lots of responsibilities. Sometimes when he’s working, I don’t hear from him for days and days. He’s really busy, Greg! Some guys are just really, really busy! Don’t you ever have really, really busy days? I’ve learned to live with it and not give him any shit, because I know that’s the price I pay for going out with someone really successful and hot and busy. Why are you telling these women to be so needy?!

Nikki

Dear Nikki,

Good to hear from you again. Well, not really. Listen, Nikki. Really busy is another way to say “just not that into you.” Totally important is another way to say, “you’re unimportant.” How great that you’ve “landed” someone that even you think is out of your league. Too busy and important to ask you out or call you—what a catch. Congratulations on your quasi-relationship! It must feel amazing to know that you’ve been programmed into the super hot and important busy guy’s cell phone, even if he never uses it to call you. You must be the envy of every woman he’s really dating.

I’m about to make a wild, extreme, and severe relationship rule: The word “busy” is a load of crap and is most often used by assholes. The word “busy” is the relationship Weapon of Mass Destruction. It seems like a good excuse, but in fact, in every silo you uncover, all you’re going to find is a man who didn’t care enough to call. Remember: Men are never too busy to get what they want.

IT’S SO SIMPLE