A Hopeless Romantic

‘Fine,’ muttered Paddy bitterly. ‘Oh, just fine.’

‘Oh, right,’ said Laura, nonplussed. ‘Er, are you, though?’

‘Oh, don’t worry about me,’ Paddy told her. ‘I’ll survive,’ he spluttered into his tea. He stared moodily out of the window. Since he spent quite a lot of his leisure time doing this, Laura ignored him and put the mugs down on the counter.

‘What are you eating?’ she asked curiously.

‘I made scrambled eggs with tomatoes,’ said Paddy shortly. He gestured to the plate, which looked like pink brains. Paddy was an enthusiastic but disconcerting chef.

‘Oh,’ Laura lied. ‘It looks nice.’

She ran the mugs under the tap.

‘It’s not enough that Mia hasn’t answered any of my texts,’ Paddy said, picking up the thread after a few moments’ silence. Laura obediently swivelled round to listen. ‘I’ve texted her four times, why hasn’t she replied? Oh no. I have to sit in solitary silence, with CD:UK my only companion, and listen to my flatmate – who I’ve known since she was five – screaming with pleasure as some git rogers her senseless at eleven a.m. for about the fifteenth time that morning.’

Laura bit her lip to stop herself grinning. ‘Sorry.’ She went over and patted him on the shoulder. ‘I’ll make you some tea. Why don’t we all go into the sitting room and have some tea?’

‘No, thanks a bundle,’ said Paddy, pulling his tattered paisley dressing gown about him with an attempt at dignity. ‘I prefer to watch Saturday Kitchen on my own, thanks very much, not squashed up on the sofa with you and Mr Playaway whilst he tries to molest you under my very nose.’

‘OK, OK,’ said Laura. This was going to be tricky. Of course, no one knew about her and Dan – not yet anyway. She hadn’t even told Jo. But she’d had to tell Paddy because Dan always came to her place. She hated making him party to it and thereby making him lie. It wasn’t for long, and so far he’d been great, but…She filled the kettle and affected a tone of nonchalance. ‘Er…any plans for today?’

Paddy looked up suspiciously. ‘Yes,’ he said. ‘You know I have. We’re going out to lunch with Simon.’

‘Simon?’ Laura said in a tone of blankness. She pulled a mug off one of the hooks above the sink and examined it. ‘Urgh, this is dirty.’

‘Your brother Simon, who’s about to go to Peru for four months.’

Laura winced. Simon worked for a charity. He was taking time off from work to travel to Peru, volunteering for another charity.

Paddy went on, ‘And then you know perfectly well we’re going round to Jo’s because Chris is away and she wants a hand with painting the kitchen.’ He glared at her. ‘Oh my god, you’re piking. I can’t believe it.’

‘What?’ said Laura. ‘I don’t know what you’re talking about.’

‘You lying bitch,’ said Paddy. ‘Go back in that bedroom, ease those chafed thighs onto the bed and tell Dan you’re not spending the day with him or whatever it is he’s suggested you do. You’re coming out to lunch.’

‘Honestly, Paddy, I had no idea,’ Laura pleaded with him, aware how weak she sounded. ‘Sure, Jo mentioned going round, but it was ages ago – I didn’t think it was a proper plan…no one emailed me about it this week – I thought it was a casual arrangement.’

‘Casual arrangement?’ Paddy repeated.

‘Yep,’ Laura said. ‘And lunch – hey, you’ll have a much better time without me there. You never see Simon on his own, you can really catch up. And stuff.’

Paddy looked at her, and Laura realised the atmosphere in the kitchen was no longer one of grumpy, amused sniping.

‘No, Laura,’ he said quietly. ‘That – that thing you’ve got next door with Dan. That’s a casual arrangement.’

‘No it’s not,’ said Laura in a small voice.

‘Oh god, you stupid girl,’ Paddy slapped his hand to his cheek. ‘I don’t care. Just don’t try and lie to me. It’s not a big deal, Laura, honestly. But –’ he held up his hand as Laura made to speak ‘– don’t lie to me. You know it was arranged ages ago. You, of all people.’

‘What do you mean?’ said Laura, feeling her chest tighten.

‘I mean, I’ve always thought you were a good person, someone I could trust, someone I could rely on. Thick and thin, and all that.’

‘Oh for god’s sake, Paddy,’ Laura said, her face reddening, feeling cross all of a sudden. ‘That’s such crap. It’s only lunch, get over it! I am – I am a good person. Dan – I – you know how I feel about him, don’t do this.’ The kitchen tap was encrusted with limescale and she wrenched it round to turn it on, running her finger around one of the mugs as she thought of what to say next.

Paddy turned his back on her and looked out of the window, as if he was counting to five. Then he turned around again.

‘Hey, love,’ he said in a gentle voice. ‘I know how you feel about him. But it’s never going to happen. He’s never going to leave Amy. Can’t you see that? He’s a wanker, and he’s using you.’

‘How dare you say that,’ Laura retorted, her voice rising. She turned the tap off. ‘How dare you! That’s bullshit. He’s not like that, it’s not like that. It’s just…complicated. He can’t just dump her, I don’t want him to do that. We have to wait before we can be together…we…oh.’

She slumped down into a chair, tears in her eyes. The lino squeaked under her feet. ‘It sounds so fucking clichéd,’ she whispered. ‘I’m so stupid.’

‘You’re really not, darling,’ Paddy said, patting her hand across the table. ‘You’re just mad about him, and what’s wrong with that, eh? You’ve got to…you’ve got to sort it out, that’s all. You know what you’re like.’

Laura stood up again and went over to make the tea. ‘I have to, I know,’ she said. ‘It’s just. It’s just – I can’t think of anyone I’m ever going to like more than I like him.’ Hot tears ran down her cheeks and she rubbed her eyes, feeling like a little girl in the playground.

It was true, that was the awful thing. She knew all this, she thought she was a sensible girl. But some kind of love had taken hold of her and refused to let her go, and it wasn’t a happy, easy, joyful thing, it had her in a vice-like grip.

She looked up at Paddy and smiled, trying to be brave. His face contorted with sympathy, and he walked over to where she stood and gave her a big hug. ‘Do something about it, darling,’ he said, his voice muffled against Laura’s shoulder. ‘Give him an ultimatum. Or give yourself an ultimatum. Get pregnant. No –’ He stood back and shook her. ‘Forget I said that. Really, don’t get pregnant.’

‘I won’t,’ Laura said, touched, for Paddy really did look alarmed. ‘Don’t be stupid.’ She picked up the mugs. ‘I’ll do something about it, honestly.’

‘Deadline. You need a deadline,’ Paddy said, sitting back down and picking up the newspaper, which was lying on the table. ‘Ooh, travel. Book a holiday,’ he said casually, throwing the travel section at her. It flapped through the air and Laura caught it, scrunching it in her hand, and wedging it under her arm. ‘Book a holiday to somewhere fantastic and then you have to go,’ Paddy suggested. ‘You know, in a few months’ time, when everything’s sorted out. God, I’m brilliant. As you once were, young woman. Go off and shag that worthless young man in there. I’ll make your excuses to Jo, but she’s not going to be happy. You know she’s not, you blew her out last week.’

It was true. Laura had arranged to go to Borough Market with Jo, but something else had come up, a Dan-shaped something else.

‘It’s her birthday in a couple of weeks. I’ll make it up to her then,’ Laura said gratefully.

‘Honestly. The things I do,’ Paddy murmured.

‘Thanks, Paddy,’ Laura said. She paused, as if she might say something else, gazing at the back of his head as Paddy picked up his tea and turned a page of the newspaper. ‘Thanks a lot.

I…well.’

A watery ray of pale sunshine was shining weakly in through the window. Laura turned and left, her head bowed in thought.

‘I’ve cancelled lunch,’ she announced as she came back into her room.

Dan sat up in bed and spread his arms wide. ‘Great, great news, my gorgeous darling girl,’ he said. His hands slid inside her ratty old dressing gown, slipped open the tie, and he pulled her towards him. Laura laughed.

‘Let me put the pot down,’ she said, as he started kissing her. She crouched down, put the paper and the teapot on the floor, stood up again, and said, as Dan flung the duvet to one side, ‘So, what do you want to do today?’

‘You,’ Dan said, jumping on her with the kind of alacrity usually reserved for sailors on shore-leave. ‘God, I could be with you all day, you are so fucking gorgeous. Mm.’

‘No,’ Laura said, laughing, as he pulled off her dressing gown. ‘I mean later. I’ve cancelled lunch. We could go out, you know. Maybe…er, Kenwood House for…er, hot chocolate.’

Dan didn’t answer, but carried on doing what he was doing. Laura sighed, and pushed him away. ‘Dan, listen.’