The Love of Her Life

‘Two weeks, I’ll be here, Dad,’ Kate said gently. ‘You won’t lose that much rent, I promise. I’m sorry –’ she didn’t know what to say. ‘I’ll get onto it,’ she said. ‘I’m sorry,’ she said again, wondering what else to say. A germ of an idea formed in her head; she rejected it, surely not. ‘Anyway, Dad, you mustn’t worry about that at the moment. It’s not important.’

‘Easy for you to say,’ her father said, quickly, loudly. ‘Eh? Isn’t it?’

‘Yes,’ said Kate, realizing she had to appease him, not aggravate him. ‘Of course, Dad. I’ll get onto it.’

‘Hm,’ said her father. He breathed out, heavily, a sort of groan. ‘We don’t want it sitting idle. That’s all.’

‘I’m talking to the estate agents tomorrow,’ Kate said, mentally adding this to her list of things to do. Her father groaned again. ‘Dad, you OK?’ She put her hand on his, it was shaking.

‘Yes, yes,’ Daniel said, almost impatiently. He shifted slightly.

‘How long till they – till they know?’ Kate said. ‘Whether it’s taken, I mean?’

‘What’s taken?’ He shook his head, not understanding.

‘The kidney.’ It felt like a dirty word.

‘Oh, I see. I don’t know. If it hates me, it’ll tell me pretty soon; I’ll go into arrest and probably die,’ he said, smiling mordantly. ‘They’ve got me on enough different pills though; good grief, I could practically set up a fucking pharmacy.’

‘Dad.’ Kate put her hand on his, which was lying on his chest. Her hand was shaking.

‘Oh, Kate,’ he said. ‘God, it’s lovely to see you, darling. I miss you.’

She looked down at him; his eyes, blue, fierce, with a flicker of their old fire, locked with hers.

‘I’m sorry,’ said Kate, and she meant it. ‘I am so sorry.’

‘No need,’ said Daniel, mildly. ‘I could have come to see you more, you know. But you should have come back. Dani hardly knows who you are. And she’s your sister. You’ve only seen her once in the last three years.’

Kate had a childish, stupid impulse suddenly, to scream like Dani, but she merely tightened her grip on her father’s hand.

‘You know why I had to get out of here,’ she said instead.

‘You did the right thing,’ Daniel said. ‘It was right that you left, you know. I just think you’ve been gone too long.

That girl,’ he added, casually. ‘Charly. It was Charly, wasn’t it, the one you met in your first job?’

‘Yes,’ said Kate.

‘Well, I never liked her, I have to say.’

Since this was patently untrue, and Daniel had always had a crush on the long-legged, tousle-haired, foul-mouthed Charly, Kate said nothing, but she smiled at him, and he twinkled back at her. ‘Well,’ he said after a while. ‘Maybe just a bit.’ He was silent for a moment. ‘How’s your mother, then?’

‘She’s well. She sends her – well, she sends her love,’ Kate said, cursing herself for phrasing this so badly. What Venetia had actually said at the airport, hands clasped to chest, while Oscar struggled with the bags, was,

‘Oh my god. My darling Daniel. Tell him … God, what? You know, he’s a shit, but I still can’t help loving him.’

‘How’s that gay husband of hers?’

‘He’s not gay. He’s fine,’ Kate said automatically.

‘Hmm,’ said Daniel, flicking back his hair, in an unconscious gesture. ‘Do you or do you not remember your engagement party? When he told me he’d had a manicure specially for the party? My god.’ He shook his head.

‘Some men like manicures,’ Kate said defensively.

‘Not any men I know,’ said Daniel.

‘Dad!’ Kate said, hitting him gently on the arm. ‘You used to wear gloves in summer to protect your hands!’

‘That’s completely different,’ Daniel said crossly. ‘I was a musician, they were my tools.’

‘Well, so’s Oscar. He’s a musician.’

‘No, he’s a tool,’ Daniel said, chuckling to himself, coughing a little bit. He recovered. ‘And he’s not a musician. Arranging silly songs about farmers and cowmen is not being a musician.’

‘He doesn’t –’ Kate wasn’t going to get into the merits and demerits of Oklahoma! with Daniel, nor point out to him that actually it was probably the greatest musical ever written. She and her father had fallen out over this many times before. So she frowned at him, smiling too, but her frown quickly turned to alarm.

‘Dad, are you alright?’

‘I’m fine. Well, I’m not fine. Aarrpff.’

She looked at Daniel in panic rushing over her; perspiration covered his forehead, and he was terribly pale.

‘Lisa,’ she called, getting up. ‘Dad, I’m going to get Lisa,’ she told him, shaking free of her father’s frenzied grip.

‘No, don’t,’ he said, flashing a ghastly rictus grin at her. ‘I’ll be fine. When do you have to go, darling?’

Kate looked at her watch, she didn’t want to look at him. ‘I’m going to see Zoe, but it really doesn’t matter if I’m late.’

Lisa appeared in the doorway. ‘Dan? You OK?’ she said, bustling forward. ‘What’s wrong with him?’

‘He went a bit … funny,’ said Kate. She looked down at her father as Lisa put a hand on his forehead and checked his pulse.

‘Went a bit funny,’ Daniel repeated. ‘That’s the medical term for it, I’m sure.’ He closed his eyes. ‘God, I’m fucking tired. It really knocks you for six, this business. And I’m so bored. So bloody bored.’

He was a man of action, used to doing, speaking, thinking, striding around and yelling. Kate could see how much he hated this confinement. He needed constant distraction, attention, to keep him stable, otherwise … she remembered this much from her childhood. The consequences were awful.

‘I’m sure you are,’ said Kate, still standing, and watching him. Her eyes met Lisa’s. ‘Look Dad,’ she said, bending down, ‘I’m going to take off and let you get some rest, OK? But I’ll be back tomorrow.’

‘How great!’ said Lisa, smiling thinly. ‘That’ll be great for you, won’t it Dan?’

‘I look forward to it,’ Daniel said, slightly inclining his head, mock-formally. He took his daughter’s hand and kissed it. ‘Until tomorrow, my darling.’

‘Yes,’ said Kate, stroking his hair. ‘Bye Dad. I love you.’

‘It’s great to see you again,’ he said, clutching his heart in a dramatic way; a flash of the old Daniel Miller, the amateur dramatics that the crowds used to love. ‘So wonderful to have you back.’

She couldn’t speak; she shook her head, smiling at him, as her eyes filled with tears, and followed Lisa out into the hall. Lisa handed her her jacket with an air of polite efficiency.