Unlearn: 101 Simple Truths for a Better Life

Thank you for being a part of this journey with me. Since first publishing this book myself in 2014, it’s gotten so many people around the world tangled in my beard, and has connected us in ways I could never imagine. The most valuable thing isn’t the money you (or the person you stole this from) spent on the book, it is the time you’ve invested in reading it. Because what you’re doing is investing in yourself, and I appreciate being a part of that with my heart.

Thank you for connecting.

Kanwer Singh

@humblethepoet (http://www.twitter.com/humblethepoet)

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The journey of my life is no different from the journey of anyone else on this planet. There have been brilliant moments and moments that still make me cringe when I think about them. I’m haunted by my past and worried about my future just as much as anyone else. I’m confident that I’m not the only one going through the peaks and valleys of life. The realization that I’m not alone allows me to understand how normal these things really are. We tend to amplify our problems and sink into a center-of-the-world mentality, thinking that the entire universe is conspiring against us; it’s not.

We all have conversations with ourselves: in the shower, on the way to work, late at night—sleepless in bed. I took these conversations and just started typing and sharing them with the people in my life who wanted to hear them. If you’re reading this, that includes you.

Loneliness can be a horrid feeling, and it’s amazing how quickly it can dissipate when we realize how much we have in common with other folks; ironically, the room is full of folks who feel alone. The remedy I found that works best to combat this feeling is to simply connect with others.

I’m an observer and a creator. This means I simply try to pay attention and restate what I’ve learned in the way I understood it. I worked as an elementary school teacher for over half a decade, and those experiences taught me to keep my communications short and sweet. Information in small chunks is easier to absorb. That’s what this book is—a collection of nuggets to remind you of the things that keep this wild ride steady. I use the word remind because we have all had our flashes of brilliance and greatness throughout life, and whether or not we knew it, the mindsets we had during those moments can be applied to our challenges today, to help us overcome them.

I appreciate the time you’ve taken to check this out and hope you enjoy my work as much as I enjoyed writing it. Please soak in what you like, disregard what you don’t, and share whatever you feel someone else needs to hear.

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There aren’t very many straight lines in nature, and that includes your life. When reading through this book, the first thing I want you to let go of is the idea of a straight line. You’re going to come to points in this book where you stop and say, “Didn’t he already say that?” The answer is, “YES!” Anything worth saying is worth repeating. It’s rare that we come across something worthwhile in life, and a single encounter is enough for it to stay with us. This book was written as much more of a cycle than simply having a beginning, middle, and end.

Ideas need to be reinforced and revisited to settle themselves into us. These days, information is being taken in at such a rate that it’s forgotten before the page is even turned (assuming people still turn pages). Any skill worth having requires practice, and practice is simply repetition over and over until it becomes second nature.

There’s very little order in this book; you can read it backwards, start from the middle, or read every other chapter; the content here only has value when it connects with you. What you read at fifteen will have a completely different relevance when you’re twenty-five. I hope you decide to revisit these writings and build new connections with the ideas as your own journey continues.

The thoughts and ideas presented are nothing revolutionary. They’ve been around for thousands of years, and most of this wisdom already exists within us—we just need to shed some of the other things the world has put on top. We gain more from letting go; there’s nothing mystical or secretive about this idea. This book is meant to agree with and bring out the wisdom you already possess.

No matter the shape of your life and journey, I hope this book makes the trip a bit more enjoyable.

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Just send $19.99 to … I’m kidding.

Write down five things in your life that you’re grateful for, or write ten.

A simple shift in what your mind is paying attention to can do wonders for the way you feel. It’s not a trick, it’s not a gimmick, it’s respecting the fact that happiness is a mindset, so SET YOUR MIND TO HAPPINESS BY THINKING OF HAPPY SHIT.

It doesn’t last, but is it supposed to? Does it make sense to be happy ALL the time? If you were happy all the time, would we even know what happiness was anymore?

Improve your relationship with all your emotions because there’s a lot to discover from them. I’m grateful that I have a variety of emotions. They teach me something new about myself on a regular basis.

We hide the darkness with our smiles, feel lonely in crowded rooms, and become so accustomed to these feelings that we begin to believe they’re a part of who we are.

They’re not. You won’t be the same person if you let them go, you’ll be better.

People who aren’t happy with what they have won’t be happy with what they get. This mindset can be both beneficial and burdensome. Some folks find happiness in the pursuit itself and are grateful for the opportunity.

Personally, I’m not looking to be happy all the time, nor do I want to be satisfied and content. I enjoy an ambitious hunger, and as long as I’m moving forward, learning, sharing, and growing, I’ll be grateful for every nugget that comes my way, whether it be shit or gold.

What are you grateful for?

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Unhappiness is simply when the picture in your head doesn’t match the picture in front of you. Some folks aren’t happy because they don’t have what they want, or they aren’t where they wish to be. Some just feel horrible about themselves. Maybe they’re comparing themselves to others, or even a former version of themselves. Either way, the simple equation is the mismatch of how you want it with how it is.

How you want it isn’t set in stone. Most of us have wanted something for a long time, and once receiving it, realize it wasn’t all that, and what we had propped up in our mind was an inflated sense of euphoria or contentment. Wanting less will definitely make you happier than getting more.

How it is isn’t set in stone either. We see what we choose. Most of the improvements I’ve made in my life this past year came from tweaking the way I saw the things that were always around me. I stopped seeing my mistakes as failures but rather as valuable (or expensive) lessons. Roadblocks became speed bumps and hurdles. Reasons to quit became reasons to adapt (or motivation to smash through).

Let’s not get it twisted—I’m not a Zen Buddha baby. Bellyaching is still an art to me, and I complain about things that make first world problems look legit. I do, however, only give myself about ten minutes to be a Sad Panda before I move forward. I ask myself, “How did you want it?,” re-evaluate how it is, and try to tweak and adjust both to bring them a bit closer together.

Expectations are a bigger enemy to our happiness than our circumstances; the fewer expectations you have, the better off you are. Couple that with a Positive Pete set of goggles and things will feel even a bit more smile-worthy.

It’s also important to remember that everlasting happiness is a concept only promised by preachers and infomercials. It’s healthy to have a myriad (that’s a smart word for “a bunch”) of emotions occupying the hotel of your heart. Welcome them all in, and experience them the way they’re meant to be (just clean up afterwards). You’ll also realize the relationships between them. The less things anger you, the less things will excite you. The less things make you cry, the less things will make you laugh. Different life experiences are going to break barriers within you and you’ll respond emotionally to things you never connected to before (like getting all teary-eyed every time you watch the end of that Fresh Prince episode when his pops bails on him *sniff*).

The next time you’re having a Sad Panda moment can be the next time you ask yourself about the picture in your head and the picture in front of you. That moment of realization and discovery will put you in a position of power to mold both ends to bring them closer together. It works better than junk food—sometimes, that is.

PLEASE NOTE: Emotions are related to chemicals in your brain and a few paragraphs from a rhyming Beardo may not suffice. Don’t ever be afraid to seek help if you start to feel helpless and overwhelmed. I have, and it has helped a lot.

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Fear is a gift.

I’m talking about the fear we have that gives us a jolt when in danger. The jolt gives us either what’s necessary to deal with that danger, or what’s necessary to get the fuck out of the way. That type of fear is something we only feel in the present, and it generally lasts for a short time.

Humans are funny creatures because we can carry fears even when out of danger. If you’ve ever been a victim of a crime you know how it lingers and disrupts the normalcy of your life for quite some time. It messes with your sleep, keeps you on edge in seemingly safe situations, and can serve to paralyze you when you try to move forward.

On top of that, we have this awesome (remembering that the word awesome doesn’t always mean a good thing) ability to create fear, not only in ourselves, but also in others. These fears include (but aren’t limited to) fear of failure, fear of disappointment, fear of embarrassment, fear of loss, fear of change, and fear of truth. These fears are technically considered phobias because they’re irrational and don’t actually involve danger.

Asking that girl for her number and having her reply with an “eww no” isn’t going to be the end of your existence. It may feel shitty, and the desire to not feel shitty may keep you from asking her. The same way the fear of disappointing others keeps you from switching out of biology class into a modern dance class, dating outside your bubble, or leaving your job as a teacher to be a rap singer.

These phobia-type fears aren’t gifts like the adrenaline rush you get when the car in front of you stops suddenly and you need to react tout de suite. That adrenaline goes away after a few minutes since it has served its purpose. Phobias only seem to grow in magnitude and multiply.

We all have these phobias, and the ones we carry are as unique as we are. As a mass of people, we can have collective phobias, and these phobias have been exploited and used to control us like lab rats for decades (word to Edward Bernays).

We avoid those feelings by playing it safe, or playing along. Our fear of exclusion motivates our assimilation. Our fear of not being noticed motivates our loud behavior. Our fear of loneliness motivates the personal sacrifices and compromises we think are necessary to be accepted by others. We’re all doing the same dance but think we’re in it alone because we’re moving to different music.

The courage we need to develop is not the knight-in-shining-armor, super-duper-confidence-unfazed courage. It’s the recognition of what we fear, and deciding that even with the tiniest baby steps, we move forward despite it. What you fear isn’t the roadblock; allowing the fear to keep you from moving is the real obstacle. FDR said it during one of America’s lowest times: “The only thing to fear is fear itself.”

Whenever I have issues or find myself feeling uneasy or hesitant, I ask myself, “What are you afraid of?” Answering that question clarifies who I am, and it’s the first step to overcoming that fear. In most cases, what I fear is dramatically worse than the reality of the situation.

As I go through these adventures being a public figure and hear every opinion across the spectrum, everything I ever feared people would think of me, they already have. Yet here I am, still breathing, beard still soft, rhymes only getting better, learning lessons even quicker. I’ve seen people dig themselves out of holes a million times worse than some of my created phobias.

No one is fearless, but the bravest people I know are those who are most in tune with their fears and phobias and have decided not to let them get in the way of their happiness.

As always, this is going to require you to have a conversation with yourself to discover these fears. Identifying them will be the first step to conquering them.