The Delegates’ Choice

‘Somewhere down in Wiltshire?’ said Linda. She pronounced it Wilt Shire.

‘Wiltshire? Great! God! Where’s that?’

‘Stonehenge?’ said Ron. ‘Somewhere round there.’

‘How close to London?’ said Israel.

‘M3,’ said Ron. ‘M4?’

‘Is that close by?’

‘Not far, I don’t think,’ said Ron. ‘I went with the wife once to Salisbury. Years ago. Visiting some friends of ours over there. That was nice.’

‘Oh, yeah!’ said Israel, punching the air. ‘Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!’

‘What?’

‘This is brilliant. Linda, I can’t thank you enough. This is fantastic! It’s the best day of my life.’

‘Right, well, thank you, Mr Armstrong.’

Ted had been rather quiet.

‘Mr Carson?’ said Linda.

‘You can’t replace the van,’ said Ted. ‘She’s irreplaceable.’

‘No one and nothing is irreplaceable, Ted, I’m afraid,’ said Ron. ‘Us old warhorses included.’

‘We’ve had that van nearly thirty years,’ said Ted.

‘Exactly,’ said Linda. ‘What about a refurbishment?’ said Ted.

‘We’ve looked into the price of a refurbishment and it’s not economical, I’m afraid,’ said Linda.

‘When did ye look into a refurbishment?’

‘We’ve looked into a refurbishment.’

‘Not with me you haven’t.’

‘No, we had some consultants look into it.’

‘You had consultants looking at my van?’

‘It’s not actually your van, Mr Carson. It’s the—’

‘It only needs a bit of work.’

‘New engine?’ said Linda, referring to a list. ‘Bodywork. Chassis.’

‘Well?’ said Ted.

‘She’d hardly be the same vehicle, would she, Ted?’ said Ron.

‘Like the philosopher’s hammer,’ said Israel.

‘What’s he going on about?’ said one of the nameless councillors.

‘No idea,’ said the other.

‘We’re looking at a number of possible suppliers at the moment,’ said Linda. ‘Mostly specialist coach builders—they do hospitality units, mobile police stations.’

‘Wow!’ said Israel. ‘Ted! We could have our own hospitality area, and a VIP lounge.’

‘Here are the brochures, gents,’ said Linda, handing over some thick glossy booklets. ‘If you’d like to be having a look at those.’

‘Fantastic,’ said Israel.

‘You will of course be fully consulted about the exact specifications.’

‘Ted! Look at this! What about a mini-bar, eh, Ted?’

Ted’s eyes were glazed.

‘We could have a toilet and everything. Remember that time you were caught short and…Ted?’

‘I think you’ll agree the standard of craftsmanship on this sort of vehicle is quite different to your own—’ began Linda.

‘What?’ said Ted.

‘Efforts, Ted. Which have been much appreciated, may I just say.’

‘I want it minuted that I’m very unhappy with this,’ said Ted.

‘Right,’ said Linda. ‘I really don’t think there’s any need for that.’

‘I want it in the records!’ said Ted.

‘Well, that’s fine, if you insist.’

‘This’ll be fantastic, Ted,’ said Israel. ‘Listen—’

‘I’ll tell you what, I’ll listen to you when you’ve learned to wipe your arse,’ said Ted.

‘Right. Thanks.’

‘Come on now, Ted, there’s no need for that sort of language now, is there? There’s ladies present,’ said Ron.