Never Say Goodbye

She hesitated for only a moment. Then, without a word, she turned and headed for her condo, half running as she dug through her purse for her keys, struggling to control the tears that threatened to spill from her eyes.

“Jess, please.”

He was behind her. Following her. Harassing her. She walked more quickly.

“Please, Jess. I just want to talk to you.”

Something in his tone made her step falter for a moment, but then, angry at herself for allowing the choked entreaty in his voice to affect her, she resolutely quickened her pace.

He didn’t speak again, but she knew he was still behind her. Her hand was shaking so badly when she reached her door that she had difficulty fitting her key in the lock. Then, just when she thought she was home free, it slipped from her fingers and clattered to the concrete steps.

Before she could react, he reached down and retrieved it. Panic once more engulfed her. Now she was trapped. Tears of frustration spilled from her eyes, and she swiped at them angrily and desperately tried to figure out what to do. But her brain seemed to have shifted into neutral.

To her surprise, however, Scott didn’t hold her hostage. After only a moment’s hesitation he reached past her and fitted the key into the lock. It took him two tries, and she noted with surprise that his hands were almost as unsteady as hers. After he turned the key, he stepped back.

“I’ll leave your groceries on the step,” he said quietly.

She heard the rustle of the paper bag as he deposited the sack, and she reached for the knob, prepared to flee, planning to retrieve the groceries later. But then he spoke again.

“I never had a chance to say this in person, Jess. And I know it doesn’t change anything. But I want you to know how sorry I am…about everything. I made a lot of mistakes. Tragic mistakes that I regret with all my heart. But the one thing that wasn’t a mistake was loving you.”

The raw pain, the passion, in his voice jolted her, compelled her with a force she couldn’t ignore to turn and face the man she had once loved. He was standing a couple of feet away, his hands jammed into the pockets of his jeans, his face filled with such sadness and remorse that she couldn’t doubt the truth of his words. But being sorry didn’t change a thing, she thought bitterly as the tears she’d tried so hard to contain suddenly spilled out of her eyes.

Scott watched helplessly, feeling physically sick. He’d been prepared to face Jess’s anger. But he hadn’t been prepared to watch her crumble in front of his eyes. He lifted a hand in an imploring gesture, then let it drop back to his side. “Dear God, Jess, I’m so sorry,” he repeated hoarsely, his voice choked.

She shook her head and reached again for the doorknob. “It’s too late,” she whispered brokenly. Then she slipped inside, shutting the door firmly behind her. A moment later he heard the bolt slide into place.

For several minutes Scott simply stood there staring at the closed door, struck by the symbolism. She was shutting him out of her life…and her heart. Her three words said it all. It’s too late.

But Scott didn’t believe it was too late. Couldn’t believe it. Because it was impossible to envision a future without Jess. He needed her…just as he believed she needed him. They had linked their destinies once, for better, for worse, and Jess had abided by their vows despite the tragedy that had befallen them. Though they were married in name only at the moment, he clung to the hope that with God’s help, Jess would eventually come to realize that he was a changed man. That his remorse was real. That his love for her had not only endured but grown during their long years apart. And that the joyous, vibrant, life-giving love they had once shared could live again.

As he turned away, Scott knew that his prospects seemed bleak. But he wouldn’t give up. Because he believed in the truth of Seth’s philosophy.

Spring always comes.

“Scott. It’s good to see you.” Reverend Young grasped Scott’s hand warmly. “I was hoping you’d make it to services.”

“It was a little tricky,” Scott admitted. “The buses run on an entirely different schedule on the weekends.”

The minister frowned. “I must admit I forgot about your lack of transportation. We’ll find you a ride from now on.”

“I don’t want to put anyone out, Reverend. The bus worked out fine.”

The minister laid a kindly hand on his shoulder. “There are a lot of good, Christian people out there, Scott. Give them a chance to put their beliefs into action.”

Scott smiled. “It’s pretty hard to refuse when you put it that way.”

“Sometimes accepting help is much harder than giving it,” he acknowledged. “So are you settled in? Everything going okay?”

“So far so good.”

“How are you and Seth getting on?”

Scott grinned. “Fine. I think. He’s not much of a talker.”

Reverend Young chuckled. “True enough. But he’s a good man. Fair and honest and dependable. He’s not much of a churchgoer, but he really lives the golden rule. Is the work okay? I know he expects a lot.”

“He does. But I don’t mind hard work. Which is a good thing, because he’s got a lot of commercial landscaping contracts and spring is a busy time. Let me put it this way…I rarely have any trouble sleeping.” Except for the nights when even bone-weary fatigue couldn’t overcome the longing in his heart for Jess, he added silently as a shadow swept across his eyes. Then he forced his thoughts in a different direction. “You have a nice church here, Reverend,” he complimented the man, glancing around the grounds. “It’s just like you described.”

The minister nodded in satisfaction. “We’ve come a long way since this land was donated five years ago. Would you like to see the back?”

“Sure.”

They made their way around the building, which stood on a slight rise that overlooked a small tree-ringed pond. Though it was in a suburban area, the grounds were quiet and secluded. “I come back here when I need a few moments to refresh my soul,” the minister said. “It’s a nice spot, isn’t it?”

“Very. What’s going on back there?” Scott nodded toward the edge of the pond, where some sort of construction project was in progress.

“One of our members thought a gazebo would be a nice addition, and offered to build one.”

“I agree.” Scott eyed the terrain critically. “Have you thought about adding a meditation garden, as well? It’s a perfect spot for one.”

The minister looked at him in surprise. “Frankly, no. Though I have to say the idea has appeal.”

“I’d be happy to draw up some plans for you. And if the church could afford to invest in some plants and trees, I’d be glad to do the work.”

Reverend Young smiled. “You work all week, Scott,” he reminded the younger man gently. “Everyone needs a day of rest.”

Scott shrugged. “It would give me a lot of pleasure to create a place of beauty that people could enjoy. I wouldn’t consider it work. And I have the time.”

The minister studied him for a moment. “You need to take some time for yourself, Scott. And for Jess.”

Scott stared out over the placid waters of the lake. Reverend Young knew his most intimate secrets and dreams, more so even than Karen. He’d tried to shield her as much as possible from his private demons, though clearly she’d picked up on far more than he’d realized. But with Reverend Young it had been different. The minister had been there when Scott was at his lowest ebb, when he’d given up on life, when he’d been able to see only darkness on the horizon. And he’d made the long journey to prison numerous times in those days just to see Scott, to walk with him through the valley of darkness, until light had finally begun to dawn on the dark horizon. If Karen had saved Scott by giving him abiding love, Reverend Young had saved him by giving him abiding faith.

“Things aren’t going well with Jess,” Scott said quietly.

“Have you talked to her?”

“Yes. The first time she hung up on me without saying a word. The second time I waited for her at her condo. But she couldn’t get away from me fast enough. She just said it was too late and closed the door in my face.”

“You knew it wouldn’t be easy.”

Scott sighed. “Yeah.”

“Hate is a difficult thing to overcome, Scott. And forgiveness doesn’t come easily for many people.”

Scott frowned. “That’s the odd thing, Reverend. I expected hate. And anger. But what I saw in Jess was more…I don’t know. Confusion. Fear. Pain. It was almost as if the whole thing happened four days ago, not almost four years ago.”

“I’m sure your release brought back all the memories. Made them seem fresh again. She may need some time to sort through her feelings now that you’re back in her life. To deal with unresolved issues.”