Happy Family Book. How to stay happy in marriage

When you go to the grocery shop to buy carrots you know the type of carrot you want to buy (organic, with tops, small, big, colour, from a special area, local produce, etc…). If you make a mistake it is easy to correct and not too expensive.

When you buy new furniture, you look through catalogues, do some research in different shops, try to borrow some to see how it will fits in your room – it is more complicated and takes more time – you try to be professional and to learn as much as possible on the subject. Mistakes cost more time and money.

What happens when you choose your “dream partner”? “I met this girl/boy last week and fell in love… Why? I don’t know but I FEEL GREAT!!!”. How many times have you heard this from your friends?

And two weeks later: “You know, I found out that we do not suit each other, I am glad we did not get married!”

What happened? Such a person never formulated his/her criteria for the ideal partner. But how do you get it right?

If you ask your parents how to choose a partner (are your parents really happy?), they will tell you: you know, you just feel it when it is the right person for you. How do you feel it – they do not know themselves.

Their choice was probably intuitive and lucky.

If you come from a traditional Muslim family, your family may arrange everything for you, and historical records show that it can work.

But in our western culture we dream about LOVE: Cupid shoots his arrows in both hearts at the same time and we are filled with happiness. Reality is not so simple….

Now, to the practical part:

You need: a piece of paper, a pencil and a timer.

Put the timer for 20 minutes (the time I give to my clients during consultations), take a deep breath and start writing:

My dream partner:

He/she is:

– Physical appearance (tall, blond, eyes colour, skin colour, weight etc…): as many details as possible: you draw the portrait of your dream partner.
– Age range
– Sex
– Name if it is important (it was important but disastrous for me —I will explain later)
– Nationality (where could your partner be living now, in what country?)
– Personal qualities (be honest and open: what do you really wish to see everyday in your partner?)
– Religion (be honest and remember it is your dreams and not the expectations of your family)
– Education
– Occupation
– Financial situation
– Social group
– Attitude towards children (how many)
– Attitude towards home (your nest)
– Health!!! (Many say that it does not matter, BUT it does!!!! Bad health will create problems AND affect the next generation – be realistic!)
– Sex life
– Leisure interests
– Attitude towards YOUR family (mother/father)
– Family traditions
– Personal habits
– Social life, friends
– Creativities, hobbies

Do it in such a manner that you answer ALL the questions (honestly – it is about YOUR dream) then leave it till the following weekend and DO NOT SHOW it, DO NOT DISCUSS it with anybody during the week: let the answers “mature” inside you.

The following weekend: Open your answers, read them carefully, make some alterations and count the score against each answer:

1 – Very important, essential,

2 – Important, but not 100%,

3 – Not essential, can be dropped.

Now the work is almost done!

On a new page, write down those qualities which have scored 1 and 2. Read again carefully.

This activity is the same as creating a sculpture and making it come alive. You are the creator and you are responsible for what you create. Be sure to write what you want because it is what you will obtain soon.

I remember that one of my girl friends was trying this method. It worked for her in all the details. She got her dream partner after about 6 months, but she forgot to write down that she hates people with body hairs. She got him with all the qualities she wished for and she is very happy apart from his body hairs. She hates it but she still loves her husband.

Be clever! Do not make the same mistake!

Now to the next step: do you know a person as you have just described?

If the answer yes: go and get him/her!

If the answer is no, try to find out where he/she can be? In your own town? In another one? In another country?

Stand up and be ready for travel: this may be the most important trip of your life, to fulfill your dreams! Come on! Don’t be lazy! He/she will not come to you if you do not do something about it! It requires some effort – but in the end, it pays off! Don’t give up if you don’t find your partner within the first week! It will happen! I promise you!

Talk about him/her with everybody! Describe him/her again and again! Devote your day to find him/her even when you are at work! Dream about him/her again and again! Make his/her portrait and display it on your wall!

Do some research on internet about special features which you want and you cannot be without, for example, nationality. If you like Italian girls, find out about the national character: in Italy women talk a lot. Is it good for you? On the other hand, in Thailand women are very quiet and smiling. Better??? Do some research and discover the national characteristics BEFORE you decide, what is good for you!

It is just the same procedure when you buy a dog: you have an idea about the size, and the appearance. I have a Scottish terrier: my beautiful little black Bella. But before I bought her, I learnt that this particular type of dog is not easy to train because of its very independent character, but I like such a combination: compact, clever and independent.

My second husband Leif is Danish, and I learnt in Moscow, before my marriage, from my Danish teacher Erik, that Danes are more “introvert” than Russians, they do, not show their emotions easily. Therefore I was somewhat prepared for somebody different from a Russian – and I was right! He was very different from the average Russian of his age and social group.

I chose my first husband Vassily because of – would you believe it – his name! It was the same name as my lovely grandpapa Vasja whom I loved and I made a stupid promise to myself and my granny that my husband’s name should be the same! When I met this boy at university I felt – lucky me – it’s him! His name decided my destiny for the next 12 years, my first marriage! – and it wasn’t a sufficient reason to stay happy. The marriage didn’t last. I learnt a lot about myself. No more stupidity!

What about love?

Love? If it is your dream partner, you WILL feel attraction immediately, because you LOVE your dreams. You know them. It is inside you. When you find your dream partner Love will happen naturally.

Love demands the ACCEPTANCE of the other person and an ACTIVE participation in another person’s life to make that person happy. That is all about love. Not satisfied with this answer? Learn more about love in this book. But this is the truth.

Remember: Love, as a sexual attraction, is blind! You ask why? Because of the purpose of Mother NATURE! Nature creates a hormonal process and builds a very strong sexual center in our body to fulfill HER (NATURE’S) task: to maintain the continuity of life, the survival of the specie/race, (it is not your wish to have a hormonal center inside you but it is inescapable, you were created with it). All living creatures in the world have it and feel sexual attraction and sexual desire. Many people misunderstand it and call it LOVE, which it is NOT! It is a hormonal process, it is not conscious, it is not feelings. Are you still having the sexual drive of an animal or are you a little more civilized and can distinguish between the hormonal (natural) desire and your own personal wish?

Therefore only a SELECTIVE approach to your future partner will give the best and healthiest results! Be selective! Be clever! Build the best ground for your relationship!

We will talk later about love. It is an important issue, and usually misunderstood but we will make it clear.