Light Me Up

“You need cheering up.” He switched from the classical to a ragtime number, which he seamlessly fed into smooth jazz. She waited in delight until he wove in, as he invariably did, snippets of the Flintstones theme, “Happy Birthday” and “God Bless America,” all improvised so skillfully into the melodic and rhythmic texture that if she hadn’t heard him do this over and over again, she’d say it wasn’t possible.

Talent was really, really sexy. As if Seth wasn’t sexy enough on his own. Worse, he was staring intently at her, half his mind on what his fingers were doing, half on the impact he knew he was making.

Deliberately she shoved another dumpling into her mouth and followed it with a fourth, going for the unappealing chipmunk-cheek approach to keeping herself sane.

“What ‘bout the shong?” She chewed noisily, and found it didn’t help, because he was giving her that half smile that said she was adorable. Damn him.

“You’re ready now?”

“I’m ready.”

He nodded. Took his hands off the keys and rested them on his lap. Bonnie swallowed her dumpling. He was really nervous. What was that about?

“Here we go.” Soft chords filled the room, then a clear high piano melody, slow and sweet, repeated lower, then dissolving into a gentle arpeggiated accompaniment with occasional rhythmic and harmonic twists that kept the song from settling into predictability. Bonnie put down her fork, heart swelling with pride at the beauty of the music. This tune felt different than anything he’d written, yet it was Seth all over.

He lifted his head, gazing out at a point beyond the piano, expression earnest, and the closest to vulnerable Seth ever got. His smooth, rich baritone filled the room.

You wash me with colors

Blues to take away the sadness

Green for drawing down the madness

Black for smoothing over rages

White for all the pages I’ve filled with you

Yellow takes the fear from me

Gold can keep you here with me

Red’s for cinnamon-candy love

Burning hot and sweet

You wash me with so many colors

You make me feel complete.

He held the last note, let the chord under it die into silence. Bonnie swallowed convulsively, tears she hadn’t been able to hold back spilling onto her cheeks.

If he turned and looked at her now, if he gave any indication he understood what the song was saying, not about them, but just about the love it was possible for two people to have, something he’d never acknowledged before, she was going to shatter all over his carpet. He’d be picking up bits of Bonnie for the rest of his life.

Maybe that’s what he deserved.

He didn’t look at her. He took his hands off the keys and put them in his lap.

“Beautiful, Seth.”

“I hoped you’d like it.” He cleared his throat, drew his finger across the keyboard without depressing notes enough for sound.

Bonnie wasn’t sure what to say next. She felt as if she were walking on eggshells with this man who was so terrified of all the same emotions he’d just put down on paper. “You haven’t written many romantic songs like that.”

“Nope.” His fingers turned restless, picked out a tune she didn’t recognize.

“Your friend talking must have … I don’t know, brought out something in you?” She laughed slightly hysterically. “I don’t even know what I’m trying to say.”

“Yes, you do, Bonnie.”

Adrenaline bolted through her. He was right. She did. But she couldn’t admit it out loud, and neither could he. They’d never get over their fears, either of them. Bonnie of being hurt, Seth of losing himself. It was such a poignant, frustrating and colossal waste.

She’d been looking at online dating sites—just looking for now. But more and more often she’d find herself thinking what she might like to say in her profile. After college she’d dated a couple of guys, friends of friends, but with Seth still firmly lodged in her heart, nothing had a chance of working out. Checking out dating services was a good sign, now, that she was really getting ready to burst free of the Seth-chains and find a relationship she could truly indulge, not one defined and bound by what it wasn’t and couldn’t ever be.

“I guess I wanted to know why you got so sentimental about love all of a sudden.”

He wrinkled his nose, finally meeting her eyes with his sultry gray ones. “It’s not all of a sudden, Bon. This is the first one I was happy with, though I still think it needs something. It’s not quite there.”

“Who else have you played—”

“No one’s heard it but you.” He spoke aggressively. She held her breath, waiting, but he didn’t go on, not that she really thought he would.

Don’t read anything into this, girl.

Too late. She could feel her eternally, relentlessly stupid hope rising yet again. Who was she kidding? Bonnie hadn’t learned a bloody thing where Seth was concerned.

She pushed a dumpling across the plate, then gave up, appetite gone. “Well, I’m not a musician, but I think it’s perfect.”

“Thanks.” He looked up, grinning that divinely goofy grin, and their eyes locked. Held.

Oh, Seth.

“Bonnie.”

“Yeah?” She knew what was coming, she felt it. Please, God, give her the strength, courage and balls, if necessary, to slap him down.

“After all this time between us …”

“Yes?” That was the last time she was going to say “Yes” until she was back safely in her apartment having not just gotten laid again by the love of her life.

No, he was only her first love. There would be another man, at least one, and he’d be the real love of her life. She needed to repeat that concept over and over and over until she believed it.

“I want to tell you …” Seth got up from the piano bench, crossed over and knelt in front of her, put one gentle palm to either side of her face, gazing at her earnestly.

Bonnie took her hand off the plate in her lap because it was shaking so much her fork was rattling. Don’t do this. Not tonight.

“I care for you a lot.”

Oh, help.