Rescuing Rose

The twins may complain about their single status but I have long since known the truth; that although they both say they want a serious relationship, the reality is that they don’t; because they’re very comfortable and compatible and companionable as they are, and they know that a man would break that up…

‘Rudolf Valentino is speaking,’ I said, changing the subject. I took the cover off.

‘Don’t talk to me like that Ed!’ screeched Rudy. ‘Boo hoo hoo. Rose, let’s face it – you’re a mess! No, I have NOT done the washing up!’

‘God!’ Bea shuddered. ‘How ghastly. It’s probably been triggered by the stress of moving house.’

‘Rose you are WEIRD!’ Rudy screeched. ‘You need a SHRINK! No – you need an agony aunt!’

‘Now you know what it was like living with Ed!’ I said grimly as I gave Rudy a grape.

‘Er, yes.’

‘Imagine having to listen to all those vile and untrue things!’

‘You’ve got problems Rose!’ Rudy squawked. ‘And will you stop stop STOP tidying up!’

‘Ridiculous!’ I said, as I reached for my Marigolds and began cleaning out his cage.

‘Er…you’d better not let prospective men hear him,’ said Bea carefully, as I disposed of the newspaper.

‘Hmm.’

‘It might, you know, put them off.’

Over supper – I’d bought a quiche and a bag of salad – the conversation turned to cash. The twins want to find a shop.

‘We need premises,’ said Bea. ‘They don’t have to be big, but that way we’ll get passing trade. We’re on the look-out in Kensington but it’s bloody expensive and we don’t have much cash.’

‘Nor do I,’ I said vehemently. ‘I’ve hugely over-extended myself. I got my first mortgage statement this morning – it’s going to be nine hundred quid a month.’

‘Christ, that’s a lot of money for one person,’ said Bella.

‘Yes.’ I felt sick. ‘I know.’

‘But you must have known that when you bought it?’ she added.

‘I was too distressed to give it much thought.’

‘Have you got the money?’ asked Bea.

‘Just about. It’ll be fine if I never eat anything, never buy anything, never have a holiday and never, ever go out. Nine hundred pounds,’ I groaned. ‘I’ll be totally broke. I could try and get another column,’ I mused.

‘No,’ said Bea firmly. ‘You work hard enough as it is.’

‘Then I’ll have to raid a bank. Or win the lottery; or get lucky with a premium bond.’

‘Or get a flatmate,’ suggested Bella. I looked at her. ‘Get a flatmate and you’ll be fine.’

‘Yes, get a flatmate,’ said Bea. How weird – they were agreeing! ‘A flatmate would really help.’

‘But I couldn’t bear living with anyone else after Ed.’

‘You couldn’t bear living with Ed,’ Bea pointed out. ‘So how could a flatmate be worse?’

‘Rose,’ said Bella. ‘Get a lodger – you’ve got that big spare room on the top floor. You could find some nice girl.’

‘But I’m too old for flatsharing,’ I wailed. ‘Having to write “Rose Costelloe” on all my eggs, drawing up a rota for the washing up, bitching about whose turn it is to hoover…’

‘You love hoovering!’

‘…and arguing about the phone! I’m just not prepared to live the student life again,’ I shuddered.

‘But Rose,’ said Bea slowly, ‘you never did.’ This was true. I was set to read Art History at Sussex, but flunked my ‘A’ levels: as I say, I had a shock at eighteen.

‘We think you should get a flatmate,’ the twins repeated, in unison.

‘Absolutely not,’ I replied.

The following morning I received this.

Dear Rose, I have a problem which is bothering me and I’m wondering if you can help. One of my most valued customers has greatly exceeded her overdraft. The debt is currently £3,913.28 against agreed borrowing of £2,000. I don’t want to be too heavy about it because I know that she’s just moved house. But at the same time I feel that she ought to try and sort out her finances a bit. As you can imagine, I’m much too embarrassed to mention this to her myself so was wondering if you could help. Do you have any suggestions as to how this important client of mine might reduce her debt? Thank you so much for your advice in this delicate matter, Rose, and I look forward to your reply. Yours truly, Alan Drew (Branch Manager), Nat West Bank, Ashford. P.S. Please do not print.

Holy shit! Nearly four grand! That did it. The twins were right.

Dear Mr Drew, I wrote. Thank you for your recent letter and I’m so sorry to hear that you’ve been having this problem with such a valued customer. How thoughtless of her to let things get out of hand like that! As it happens I do have an idea which I’ll discuss with her, and I’m confident that her debt will soon be reduced.

I sealed it, stamped it and posted it, then phoned the Camberwell Times.

When I opened the paper on Saturday morning and turned to the House and Flatshare column I found that my ad had been condensed, like a Cortina in a car-crusher, into the impenetrable hieroglyphics of the classifieds.

SE5. Lge O/R in lux hse nr trans/shps/pk.

Suit prof sgle n/s M/F. £350 p.c.m. inc.

Refs. Tel: 05949 320781

I wasn’t at all sure that the ‘hse’ could honestly be described as ‘lux’. ‘Lux’ suggests marble floors and a gold-tapped jacuzzi, but the woman at the paper said I’d get a better response. And I was just reading the ad again, and wondering what kind of replies I’d get when I heard the clatter of the letter box. On the mat was a small parcel, addressed to Ms B. McDonald, so I went next door to drop it in. The McDonalds’ letter box however seemed to be slightly narrower than mine and I couldn’t get the thing to go through. I didn’t want to push too hard in case I damaged it, so I smoothed down my hair, then pressed the bell.

Out of the corner of my eye I thought I saw the curtain twitch, then suddenly the door opened. Standing there was a large yellow Labrador with paws like tea plates and a suspicious expression on its face. I shuddered slightly as I don’t really like dogs; and I was bracing myself for the thing to launch itself at me, barking and slobbering like Cerberus, when something quite different happened. It trotted up to me, took the parcel out of my hand, then went back inside, carefully shutting the door.

Feeling first and foremost surprised, but also somehow vaguely rebuffed, I turned to leave. But as I put my hand on the gate I heard rapid tapping on the window pane, then the front door opened again. There was Gnasher once more, and behind him, in a wheelchair, a very pretty dark-haired woman of about thirty-five.

‘Hello, I’m Beverley,’ she smiled. ‘You’re our new neighbour aren’t you?’

‘Yes, I am. Thanks for the card by the way. I’m Rose.’

‘And this is Trevor,’ she said, indicating the dog. ‘Say hello to Rose, Trev.’