The Trials of Tiffany Trott

‘No,’ I said. ‘There’s no point, because the point is that you’re not free.’

‘But married people can have friendships, Tiffany. It is allowed, you know.’

‘Yes, but they have to choose them carefully. And I don’t think our friendship would be wise.’

‘All I want to do is see you from time to time,’ he said plaintively.

‘Well, that’s not a good idea,’ I said.

‘And I know you’d like to see me.’

‘Well … ’

‘You would, wouldn’t you?’ he persisted.

‘Well, OK, yes, I admit it.’

‘Aha!’

‘But circumstances … ’

‘ … will conspire to keep us apart,’ he said in an irritating sing-song voice.

‘Yes. Yes. That’s right.’

‘But surely we could have dinner together sometimes,’ he persisted. ‘Or see a film? Now, there’s a wonderful concert coming up at the Barbican,’ he went on animatedly. ‘Yo-Yo Ma is playing the Bach unaccompanied cello suites and I really want to go. Why don’t you come with me?’

‘Well … well it sounds lovely, but I just don’t think I should.’

‘Why not?’

‘Because I don’t wish to be tempted. That’s why.’

‘So you are tempted,’ he replied triumphantly.

‘Well, well –’

‘Say it!’

‘Yes, I am. OK. Yes. I’m tempted. Happy?’

‘You like me?’

‘Yes. I like you a lot.’ In fact I find you Seriously Sexy.

‘I like you too,’ he came back, more warmly now. ‘In fact, Tiffany, “You’re the Right One, the Bright One”.’

‘Purleeze!’

‘You’re my One and Toblerony!’

‘Now listen, Seriously Successful!’ I said crossly. ‘This really won’t do … anyway, what is your real name?’

‘I’m not telling you,’ he said defensively.

‘Why not?’

‘I refuse to tell you, unless you agree to go to that concert with me.’

‘Well I’m not going to,’ I retorted.

‘Oh, why not?’ he said.

‘Because I know that it would be wrong for me because I’ve got to keep my eye on the ball and frankly, you’re way off-side.’

‘But Tiffany, we could have such fun … ’

‘I keep telling you, I don’t want to have fun.’

‘We could do such nice things together.’

‘I can do nice things anyway.’

‘But Tiffany, we communicate so wel—’

I put the phone down. And then I said, ‘Sorry.’

Who’d have thought that sorting out replies to a lonely hearts ad would be such a mammoth task? I mean, these bulging buff envelopes marked ‘Private and Confidential’ just keep plopping onto the mat.

‘OK, OK, I take it back,’ said Lizzie as we sat at my kitchen table going through the replies. ‘I didn’t think you’d get any. No need to crow. But just think how many you would have got if you’d followed my advice.’

‘I think 114 is quite enough,’ I said as she lit another cigarette. ‘I’m not greedy.’

We sorted them into three piles: Yes, Maybe, and You Have Got To Be Joking.

‘Now here’s a really nice one,’ said Lizzie, waving a blurred photo of Son-of-Quasimodo, fifty-seven, at me.

‘You have got to be joking,’ I said crisply.

‘Why? He’s very suitable,’ she said.

‘He isn’t suitable. He’s hideous,’ I replied.

‘He’s not hideous,’ she said indignantly, exuding two plumes of smoke from her elegant nostrils. ‘He’s a senior partner in a City law firm. He’s probably on 200k. I don’t call 200k hideous. And make sure you phone that stockbroker.’

‘OK, I will,’ I said. ‘But only because he’s OK-looking-bordering-on-the-almost-acceptable and because I liked his witty letter. It’s not about money,’ I added. ‘I mean, Alan has a lot of money. But I don’t care, because I’m not interested. All I’m looking for is a golf-hating commitophile with good character, reasonable backhand and complete absence of facial hair. Is that too much to ask?’

‘Probably,’ she replied. ‘Now here’s a lovely guy,’ she said with a smirk, handing me a piece of torn-off graph paper.