Behaving Badly

‘I see,’ she said again, thoughtfully.

‘I don’t like to anthropomorphize animals,’ I went on. ‘But let’s put it this way. If Trigger was human, he’d be driving round in a red BMW—which you’d probably bought him for his birthday—barging people off the road, ogling girls out of the window, then going to some party and getting horribly drunk.’

‘How awful,’ she said, with mock seriousness. ‘Like some silly “It boy”.’

‘Exactly.’

‘He’d embarrass us,’ she said, playing along. ‘He’d bring disgrace on the family,’ she added gravely. ‘He’d be getting into fights.’

‘I’m afraid he would. He’d be kicked out of school, he’d struggle to hold down a job and—I don’t want to alarm you—he might even take drugs.’

‘Really? ‘ She looked genuinely stricken. ‘Well,’ she added purposefully, as Trigger bounded joyfully about, barking his head off, ‘we’ve got to nip this in the bud.’

‘And we will. I won’t be able to “cure” him today,’ I pointed out. ‘But I can show you how you’re accidentally reinforcing his negative behaviour, then you’ll be able to work with him on your own. But you’ll need to be committed.’

She looked at me seriously. ‘Okay. Tell me what to do.’

I explained that the best punishment for Trigger was not to be yelled at—but to be totally ignored.

‘Dogs can’t stand it,’ I continued. ‘It’s the worst punishment in the world for them to be denied their human’s undivided attention—but that’s what you’ve got to do. And if he behaves really badly—say if he bites one of the other dogs—then he has to have some time out. Because if he’s tethered and the other two are free, that’ll really take him down a few pegs.’

‘I see.’ Trigger suddenly snapped at one of the Westies, then pinioned it to the ground.

‘Oh you beast!’ Caroline had rushed up to him and grabbed him by the collar.

‘No, don’t say anything,’ I said. ‘Simply tie him up somewhere.’

‘Tie him up?’

‘Yes. I know it sounds unkind, but it’s not.’

Caroline disappeared for a moment, then reappeared with Trigger’s lead. Then she tethered him to the gatepost, in the shade, with a bowl of water.

‘Now, we’ll leave him there while we stroll around with the other dogs, off the lead. He won’t be able to stand it.’

By the time we untied him five minutes later, Trigger was shaking and trembling. ‘Look how his body language has changed,’ I said. ‘He can’t understand why you did that to him. He found it incredibly humiliating. He’s upset and subdued. Look—he’s really grovelling.’ He was. He was practically sitting on Caroline’s feet, looking up at her imploringly, whimpering softly.

‘Wow,’ she breathed. ‘I see what you mean.’

‘If you really want his behaviour to improve, then you’ve got to make him feel less secure. Basically, he’s a bully,’ I said, ‘and like most bullies he’s a coward, so if you’re firm you’ll put him in his place. He’s got to have his desired position as top dog taken away,’ I reiterated.

She nodded. ‘I just didn’t realize all this, because I’ve never had a difficult dog before.’

‘Well, does it make sense to you?’

‘Yes.’ She seemed surprised. ‘It does.’

‘What you need to do is to carry out a dominance reduction programme, both outside and inside the house.’ As we went in again, I reminded her that dogs are pack animals, and need to know their place in the hierarchy otherwise they feel unhappy and confused. ‘They’re like young children,’ I went on. ‘Children are happier when they’re given firm boundaries—and that’s what you’ve got to do with him. So you mustn’t let him sit on the sofa,’ I added, ‘or get on the bed—otherwise that means he’s at your own height. Don’t let him go through doors before you, and make him wait until you’ve eaten before he gets fed. In fact, feed the other dogs first.’

‘Really?’

‘Yes. Show him that his status is not as high as he’d like to think it is.’

‘And how long will it take for him to learn?’

‘Well, he’s very intelligent, so maybe just a few weeks. But you’ll have to stick to it religiously,’ I said, as we returned to the drawing room. ‘I know you love him, but making him learn how to behave well is actually the kind thing to do. And if he’s aggressive to the other dogs, then tether him for a few minutes; he’ll gradually make the association and stop.’

‘I feel so much better now,’ Caroline breathed as she scribbled down notes. ‘You’ve explained it all very well. Now, I must pay you.’ As she went in search of her handbag I gazed again at her wedding photo. I hadn’t seen her husband on the TV. I’d met him. Definitely…There was no question. But where? Suddenly the phone rang, and I heard Caroline pick up.

‘Oh, that is disappointing,’ I heard her say. The hall was so large, her voice echoed. ‘Well, don’t worry, I quite understand. I don’t know who else I’ll find at such short notice, but if that’s the situation it can’t be helped. Thanks for letting me know,’ she concluded, regretfully. I heard her footsteps, then she reappeared, looking thoughtful.

‘That’s a nuisance,’ she said. ‘We’ve got the village fete here on Saturday in aid of the PDSA. We’re having a dog show as part of it and Trinny and Susannah had agreed to judge it—it includes a fancy dress competition—but Trinny’s just phoned to say that they’re now filming that day and can’t. What a drag,’ she groaned as she got out her cheque book and began to write. ‘It’s going to be very hard to find anyone else and I’m so busy as it is and—’ Her pen had stopped and she suddenly looked at me. ‘I don’t suppose you’d do it, would you?’

‘Me?’

‘Yes.’

‘But I’m not a celebrity.’

‘Well, Daisy told me that you’ve been on TV. And as an animal behaviourist you’d have tremendous authority, plus, quite frankly—’ she grimaced, ‘—don’t take this the wrong way, but I’m desperate. Would you?’ she pleaded.

‘Well…’

‘I just don’t have time to ring round with everything else I’ve go to do, and in any case I know you’d be brilliant, Miranda, and it’s in such a good cause.’ That was true. ‘I’d be so thrilled if you said yes,’ she added.

Why not, I thought. ‘What would you need me to do?’

‘Judge three of the four different categories. We’re going to have the Waggiest Tail, the Dog Most Like Its Owner, the Fancy Dress competition, and finally, Canine Karaoke…’ She handed me the cheque.

‘Canine Karaoke?’

‘Yes, it’s a total scream. Literally,’ she added with a meaningful grimace.

I smiled. ‘All right then. Why not? But can I bring my dachshund?’

‘Of course. Oh, thank you so much!’ She exhaled, smiled broadly, then clapped her left hand to her chest. ‘That’s such a relief. It kicks off at two thirty and we’re expecting a big crowd, so if you could come half an hour before that would be great.’

‘Okay.’ I stood up. ‘Well, I’d better get going.’ And I’d just picked up my bag when I heard the crunch of wheels on the drive.

‘Oh, there’s my husband. He said he’d be back early. Do come and meet him.’

As we walked down the steps, a dark blue Jaguar pulled up next to my old Astra, then Caroline’s husband got out. Trigger and the two other dogs raced up to him, firing off a volley of excited barks. He bent down to stroke them, then straightened up. And as he did so, then walked towards us, I realized why it was that he’d looked so familiar. I felt as though I’d been pushed off a cliff.

‘Hello, darling,’ he said to Caroline, kissing her as he glanced obliquely at me.

‘James, this is Miranda Sweet.’ Now he looked at me directly, with nothing more than polite curiosity, his face a pleasant, inscrutable mask. But in his grey eyes, unmistakably, was a spark of recognition. In that instant, sixteen years fell away.

‘Miranda’s just worked wonders with Trigger,’ I heard Caroline say warmly. ‘Now don’t blush,’ she laughed. ‘It’s quite true.’ My face was aflame; but not out of modesty. ‘Thanks to Miranda, I now know how to stop his bad behaviour, darling.’