The Holy Sh*t Moment: How lasting change can happen in an instant

Freaked out a little right now? I mean, Chuck Gross died, right?

It’s a good kind of lightning strike, however, like when Luke learned he was to become a Jedi, except without having your aunt and uncle burned to a crisp by Imperial Stormtroopers.

Of the fifty-five people interviewed for Quantum Change, the authors explained that for 80 percent of them, it “took them completely by surprise.” And for half, nothing special was happening leading up to it. This reinforces Beeman and Kounios, who say lightning strikes during diversion after getting stuck.

To repeat: keep working at it, follow the steps in this book, then take a break and let the unconscious do its thing.

Let’s get back to Chuck.

As forward as the stranger’s words were, it nudged him from the precontemplation stage to the edges of contemplation. Cons of change became slightly minimized, and pros garnered more investigation and emphasis.

“During those two months, the conversation was eating away at me both subconsciously and consciously,” Chuck said, explaining that many of the things one experiences when they are that heavy are buried because they’re constant: back pain, aching feet, always being out of breath. Before, they were facts of life, but after the meeting, he became more aware of them. Chuck’s brain was becoming primed for lightning to strike.

It was March 11, and the Pittsburgh winter edged toward spring, a time of rebirth. Rather than forget his chance meeting at Boondock Saint the previous January, Chuck dwelled on it.

Then it happened.

“My wife Denise came out of the bathroom with a positive pregnancy test,” Chuck said. He explained this was not something planned for. They’d talked about having children, but it was always for the future, when he was healthier and had lost weight.

“The lightning bolt was instantaneous,” he said. It first hit him with overwhelming joy that he was going to be a father, but he also knew with absolute clarity he had to do something about his condition. He described it as though someone hit him in the back of the head with a baseball bat, full swing.

The bat to Chuck’s skull was what ended his life, metaphorically speaking. “I tell people I died that day. The old Chuck is dead. I killed him.”

Chuck’s realization that he had to change happened in an instant, when he knew he had to become not just the father his child needed, but the husband his wife deserved. Yet Chuck didn’t stop thinking there. The powerful “Aha!” moment brought additional clarity to who he was and how he needed to change.

“I realized that a big part of my identity was wrapped up in me being fat,” he said. The emotion of the moment was clear; years later he struggled to tell the tale. Voice thick, Chuck explained he was always the fat kid growing up; people made fun of him for it. His identity was as the funny fat guy; the guy girls wanted as a friend, but never to date. People knew him for being able to eat and drink a lot, and that was all. With the pregnancy announcement, Chuck had a new identity thrust upon him, that of a father, making his values pivot hard in a new direction.

In 2016, researchers from the University of Oregon published a study in Psychological Inquiry about the “identity-value model” of self-regulation. The authors theorize that “behaviors that are connected to identity are more likely to be enacted because they hold greater subjective value.” They examined the dieter’s dilemma, investigating how people struggle with eating healthfully, and how self-control is about two opposing processes: impulsively eat the doughnut, for example, because it’s yummy, or strive to regulate that behavior and resist the treat in favor of vegetables?

When someone’s identity is one that places high value on healthy eating, there isn’t much struggle. It’s not a matter of exerting willpower; it’s acting in a way that is in direct relevance to who they are. At the beginning of this book, I mentioned awakening the grizzly, but it’s more about becoming the grizzly.

The final part of Chuck’s process to destroy that old identity and create a new one involved stepping on the scale. Technology lent him a hand.

“The scale was only rated up to 400 pounds and always gave me an error message, but this time it worked and read 410.” That’s what made it real; it reinforced for Chuck what he had to do. He needed to embrace the identity shift.

Chuck described hating exercise; he hated watching what he ate, hated trying to lose weight only to fail again and again. “Before, I never felt like I’d be able to change.” But this time was different. This time, it was not the rational thought prompting him forward, but a new sense of being filling him with emotion. That lightning strike / baseball bat to the head doesn’t come from a considered weighing of the pros and cons; it’s an overwhelming sensation in which an internal spirit awakens and proclaims: This will happen!

Chuck’s transformation was so total that I had no idea of his amazing story when I first met him in 2015. It was at a fitness conference in Kansas City, in a hotel room after-party. I assumed he was another fitness aficionado and was surprised when he replied to my call for stories. We met again in 2017 and 2018 and shared a big hug each time.

I told Chuck’s story to Michael Inzlicht, a professor of psychology at the University of Toronto and a longtime critic of the idea that willpower is some depleting resource we need to ration in order to change behavior.

“Chuck sounds like he had this experience that didn’t change his self-control,” Inzlicht said. “He changed his identity.” Being a good dad was something Chuck would hold in high value, and this was the identity push he needed because of his concerns about his ability to be active with his children and even live long enough to see them grow. As a result, “The value of losing weight dramatically increased.”

Chuck described his old identity as an anchor that needed to die for him to move forward. This was the defining moment that divided his life into before and after. “The person I am now was born that day,” he said.

From ashes gray, a phoenix arose.

But what does this all mean? How did this one moment help Chuck lose over two hundred pounds and keep them off? The first part to understand is that insight, driven by emotion, unlike rational analysis, is something possessing the power to crush doubt.

“There was an overwhelming sense of joy and relief,” he said. “I didn’t need to struggle with my motivation; it came built in.” Chuck described a sense of inner peace; there was no question he would do it. There were still struggles to overcome, but he had momentum that began that day; it pushed him forward.

I want to repeat something Chuck said, because it’s damn important. Let’s bold, italicize, and center it to draw attention:

“I didn’t need to struggle with my motivation; it came built in.”

This is what we’re going for, dear reader. Right there is the reason I’m writing this book. Dropping over two hundred pounds and keeping them off takes tremendous effort, but having it feel like destiny, that you have an endless fountain of desire to achieve, after years of trying and failing, can only be attained by a sudden, transformative experience. I’m not saying amazing accomplishment can’t be attained by way of baby steps, but that way sucks, and the failure rate is high.

Rapid transformation of desire to succeed is so much cooler! Wouldn’t you rather do it that way?

Maybe not. Maybe that identity-shift stuff freaked you out.

But I want to alleviate that fear, because you’re going to change anyway. We are, all of us, changing all the time. I’m quite a bit different from the man I was ten years ago, and way different than the one from twenty-five years ago. While a life-changing epiphany is something that feels like it is something that happens to you, the preparatory work, along with your life experiences and deepest desires and understanding of your true self, help ensure it was something coming from you. This isn’t an outside agency acting upon your brain; this is your brain.

Yes, if this happens, you’re going to change. A lot. Quickly. Sounds scary, but it comes with an overwhelming feeling of rightness. And that’s why it drives you. We’ll examine the neuroscience behind this shift in coming chapters, but for now I ask you to trust in the power of your unconscious and conscious processing systems to find the correct path.

Time for another mental activity.

Think of what happened to Chuck, and why it happened. The overwhelming epiphany seemingly came out of the blue—but did it? The seed was sown back in that New Orleans bar. He became more aware of the negative consequences of his current path. He also talked with his wife about how children were for “later,” when he got healthy.

And then it all came crashing down in an instant with a pregnancy announcement. Chuck received an overwhelming vision of the man he must become, for his wife, and for his unborn child.

Chuck was suddenly “pro” focused.

The cons of changing didn’t matter; all that mattered was becoming.

Your next task is to maximize the pros. Imagine one or three of the things you’d like to do. Create a basic vision of the You, Part 2, that I spoke of earlier.

Now imagine what it’s like to be that person.

Focus on just a few of the major benefits you will receive from this change. As I showed earlier, don’t overanalyze, but ponder some of what will be awesome about that new career, new body, new location, or new life. What are the big things that make it so desirable?

Are these good things not just good, but amazing? Are they inspiring? Do they make you desire this change so much that you must achieve them? If not, perhaps the problem is you’re not being ambitious enough in your vision. But don’t be so ambitious that you choose an objective which is unachievable.

This is called the “expectancy-value approach,” a behavior-change theory dating back to 1967. It dictates that we engage in those behaviors we both expect to be successful at and have high value to us.

Think on this: What kind of benefits would it take to inspire you to action? Merge this with consideration of the feasibility of the goal. You can still dream big, because implausible does not mean impossible.

Create another vision. Think of a new you so incredible it becomes irresistible. Push the boundaries of realism. No one gets to be Batman except Batman, but you can still achieve awesome. There’s only one Wonder Woman, yet you can become a wondrous woman.

What does the limit of your potential look like? More important, how does it feel to imagine the benefits of standing in those shoes?

Don’t expect this will cause lightning to strike now. It’s information for percolation. But it might happen soon, so be ready, just in case. A transformative moment might happen in chapter 1 (#ulink_432c42ac-62e6-5b08-b240-728394934c71), or it might happen in chapter 9 (#litres_trial_promo). It might happen three months after you finish this book. Work the problem until you’re stuck, engage in diversion, and you could have a transformation like Chuck did.

Chuck went from despair to joyous determination in an instant. Joyous determination. This sense of elation Chuck described is a parameter of the transtheoretical model called “dramatic relief.” It can take place when one moves from the contemplation stage and into the preparation stage, from thinking to doing. It is because the anticipation of resolving one’s weighty problems generates a sense of euphoria. You’re like, Hell, yes! I see light at the end of the tunnel now, and I will run toward it. Nothing will stop me.

How does the feeling last? What keeps you on the new course, besides the shift in values and identity? The secret is in the synapses.

James Prochaska explained that such dramatic relief could involve either negative or positive arousal. Positive arousal involves being inspired to chase something good. But negative arousal, unlike the name might imply, is not a bad thing: it’s about removing a negative feeling, such as conquering an addiction.