Becky Bananas: This Is Your Life

It is true that Mum does laugh more than most people and also I suppose her voice is quite loud. But she can’t help it! It’s just the way she is. That’s why she’s in show business.

I love my mum. She is beautiful and funny and I am really proud of her. I don’t mind her being loud! I wouldn’t want her any different. But I do wish she wouldn’t keep showing people the picture of me as a little pink slug! I won’t ever do that to my children, if I have any. Which most probably I won’t, I don’t expect.

On the other hand, I might. You never can tell. But if I do, I won’t embarrass them.

Another of the things Mum says about me is that I was a bonny bouncing baby. “Oh, you were such a bonny bouncing baby!”

She’s got this story about how one time I bounced so high I almost managed to bounce right out of my playpen.

She says, “I used to think you’d end up being a pole vaulter in the Olympics!”

If ever they decide to do one of those This is Your Life programmes about me, like for instance when I am a famous dancer, Mum will be able to come on and tell all the people that are watching about me bouncing out of my playpen. She’d like that.

I’m not sure that I would. I think I might find it a bit embarrassing. But I suppose if you are on This is Your Life you can’t always choose what people say about you. More’s the pity!

2. My Goal (#ulink_1dd6b53c-fa9a-5d5e-8885-57022533a25e)

Oh, she was such a bonny bouncing baby!

Poor Mum. Sometimes when I’m tempted to feel sorry for myself, I start thinking about Mum and feel sorry for her, instead. All that pain when I was being born, and what was the point of it? Just a waste of effort, really. That’s what I would think.

I’ve made her cry, I know I have. I’ve heard her crying, when she doesn’t know I was there. I can’t bear for Mum to be unhappy! But when I’ve tried talking to her about it, like one time I said about it being a waste of effort, it made her really upset. She said, “Becky, you must never, ever think like that! What a dreadful thing to say! It was the most wonderful day of my life, the day I had you.”

She didn’t know how things were going to turn out. People don’t, when you have babies.

Like Violet, Gran’s best friend, who used to teach me dancing and who had this son called Bobby that was Down’s syndrome. I remember once I was at Gran’s and Gran and Violet were talking, and Violet suddenly burst out, “I wouldn’t change my Bobby for the world!”

I suppose if you have a baby, you love it no matter what. Even if it’s got two heads or is brain-damaged. It’s still your baby. But it would be ever so much better if things didn’t happen like brain damage and Down’s syndrome and such. Not till you’re really old, and then perhaps it wouldn’t matter quite so much. I think God should have arranged it so that everyone is allowed to live to be at least forty. I don’t think you would mind so much then.

I am going to live to be a hundred. Ha! That will surprise them. Except that nobody will be here by then. Only Danny. And he will be ninety-three!!!

What will the date be when I am a hundred? It will be … 2086! And I will get a telegram from the Queen.

No, I won’t, because the Queen won’t still be alive. And I don’t think Prince Charles will, either. I don’t know how old he is but I think he must be older than Mum. So it won’t be King Charles III. And it won’t be William V, because Wills is sixteen and that would make him 103 and practically no one lives to be 103. And it won’t be King Henry, I shouldn’t think, because Harry would be 100 and I bet there’s never been a king that’s 100. But whoever it is, they will send me a telegram!

I wonder what they say when they send telegrams?

The only trouble is, you couldn’t really have much fun if you were a hundred. You wouldn’t be able to play games or go to parties or visit Wonderland. You’d just sit about in a chair all day wearing false teeth.

Yeeuch! I can’t stand false teeth. There’s this old woman I saw once that had taken hers out and put them in a glass of water by the side of her bed.

Ugh. It made me feel really sick. I don’t ever want to have false teeth.

Maybe I won’t live to be a hundred. Maybe I’ll just live to about … forty. That’s probably long enough.

I once heard Mum say to her friend Anna when they were speaking on the telephone that she was going to hold a big party when she was forty. She said it was going to be a special farewell party.

“Farewell to my lost youth … before I go into my zimmer frame.”

Zimmer frames are what old people use to help them walk.

But you have to be really old for that. I can’t imagine Mum being really old. I can’t imagine her having grey hair and wrinkles.

Mum says that she can’t, either, so I expect she will have a face-lift and dye her hair. That is what people in show business quite often do. They also, sometimes, have their noses altered or their boobs made bigger, to make themselves look more beautiful.

Gran used to say, “We didn’t do that in my day,” but Mum said, “Go on! I bet you wore falsies.”

I thought she meant false teeth. It was ages before I discovered that falsies were special padded bras to make people think you had big boobs when in fact you only had small ones, though personally I can’t think why anyone would want big boobs. I would think they must be quite heavy and get in the way, I mean if you’re running or dancing, or anything. Surely they would wobble up and down? And if you were doing a pirouette, for instance, they would probably spin round faster than your head and unbalance you.

I wouldn’t want to have big boobs. Sarah says it’s men that like them and that’s the reason women go and get them made huge. Just to please men.

Weird.

I bet in a hundred years’ time people will be able to order bits of body from catalogues, like nowadays you can order clothes and things. They’ll have these sections saying “Noses” or “Boobs” or “Ears”, and all these different shapes and sizes.

All you’ll have to do is pick out the ones you think will suit you and fill in an order form saying how many you want and when you want them fitted. Only by then things will be so advanced that you won’t have to have an operation and be cut open, they will be able to change your shape simply by pointing some sort of ray gun at you which will make your body go like gloop.

Some people will even be able to do it for themselves, I shouldn’t be surprised. They will have their own personal ray guns. They will wake up in the morning and think, “I don’t like this nose. I am sick of this nose. I think I will make a new one.” Or if they are going on holiday, for instance, they will be able to use the gun for taking away all the bits of flab round their tummies so that they can wear their nice new bikinis and be attractive to men. Just zap! with the gun and all the flab will be melted.

Mum is always going on about flab. She hasn’t got any, really. Not for an ordinary person. I mean, an ordinary showbiz person. I expect if she were a dancer she would have to do a bit of toning up. I fortunately do not have problems with fatness, though Mum says I have now lost too much weight and must start to put it on again. She is threatening to feed me on nothing but pasta and chips!!! I have told her I will end up like a beach ball but she says, “That will be the day.”

When it is the year 2086 – when I am a hundred! If I decide to be a hundred – people I should think will be able to pump themselves up with special pumps if they are too thin. The pumps will inject calories into them, as many as they want. And if they are too fat they will take the calories out. It will be a bit like the sludge-gulping machines that go round the gutters gulping sludge.

It is interesting to speculate how people will say it when it is 2086. Will they say, twenty eighty-six? Or just eighty-six? Or will they say it in full? The year two thousand and eighty-six?

If they are American they will probably say two thousand eighty-six without the “and”. I have noticed that Americans do this. They shorten things. Like they say math instead of maths and wash-up liquid instead of washing-up. I expect they do it to save time, as they are always frantically rushing everywhere and talking very fast and being busy.

The way I know about this is because of Susie Smith, at school. You’d think she was American, the way she talks, but she isn’t. It’s just that she lived there for a year. So now she calls her Mum “Mom” and writes these essays about her little sister wearing diapers.

Mrs Rowe says, “Diapers, Suzanne? What are diapers?” making like she doesn’t understand. She’s ever so English, Mrs Rowe.

She doesn’t mind people speaking American when they are American, but she can’t stand what she calls “apeing”. But it’s difficult not to pick things up. Like when me and Sarah saw this film where people kept shouting “Way to go!” and it started us off saying it, so that whenever we met we used to yell it at each other. “Way to go!”

We didn’t know what it meant, but it sounded good.

We were only little, then; we were still nine. I always wanted to be nine. I don’t know why. It used to be my favourite age. And then when I got to be it, it didn’t feel all that much different from being eight, and so I decided that the next thing I wanted to be was eleven.

I never specially wanted to be ten. Perhaps it was because ten reminded me of decimals. I hate decimals. I also hate adding and subtracting and multiplying and dividing and everything that has numbers in it, including telephone numbers because I can’t ever remember them.

Gran once told me that before I was born we didn’t have great long telephone numbers like we have now. Instead of being 020 7373, for instance, you’d be a name, like Bluebell, maybe, or Elgar. Those are the only two that I can remember, but there were lots of them. I think Bluebell and Elgar are really pretty. Much better than boring old numbers.

Maybe that’s why I didn’t specially want to be ten. Or maybe it was because eleven was like a sort of goal. Like eleven was a really Great Age and if I got to be eleven I would have achieved something. Except that now I’m here it doesn’t seem like very much at all.

My present ambition is to be twelve. If I get to be twelve I am going to go to Wonderland. In America. Mum has promised.

Mum always keeps her promises; she’s really good about that. Sarah’s mum forgets. She once told Sarah she could come swimming with me and then at the last minute she said she hadn’t said it and that Sarah had to go and visit her aunt and uncle instead.

Mum isn’t like that. She always keeps her promises. So I know I shall go to Wonderland. I’ve got to. I want to so much!