Star Crazy Me

I said, “Yeah, that would suit her. But please don’t tell Josh about the other thing. Please!”

“I won’t,” said Indy. “I won’t! Don’t worry!” She added that in any case it was so stupid it was ridiculous. “No one’s going to believe it.”

I said, “That’s not the point! I don’t want him to know.”

If word got round, it would be all my fault. I should just have kept quiet! I’d done what I always swore I wouldn’t: I’d let myself be provoked. I’d insulted Marigold in front of her groupies, and now she’d gone and dragged Josh into it. He was going to think I’d betrayed him! Why, why, why couldn’t I have kept my big mouth shut? Just a few weeks earlier, before I’d even known about the Top Spot contest, I’d gone round to Josh’s place and we’d written a new song – How Cool am I? – and afterwards we’d sat and talked, cos Josh and I do a lot of talking, and he’d said he had something he wanted to tell me. And then he’d hesitated, and I said, “Well, go on! What?” and it all came out in a great rush.

“I’m not absolutely certain but it’s this feeling I’ve had for a long time… I think I might be gay!”

I said, “Oh.” And then, “Really?” And then, “Gosh.” Like something out of Enid Blyton. I gave up reading Enid Blyton when I was about five. To make matters worse I then added, “Wow.”

Josh said, “Yeah. Wow.”

“Well, but I mean…” What did I mean? I didn’t mean anything. I was just, like, totally thrown. It’s not very often I’m at a loss for words, usually I have too many, but for once I couldn’t think of a single thing to say. So I went and said something even stupider than wow, I said, “How do you know?”

“I dunno,” said Josh. “It’s just something I feel.”

“Mm.” I nodded. “OK. So…”

He looked at me, rather solemnly. “So how do you feel?”

“Me? I feel like – so what? What difference does it make? You’re still you. So long as we’re not going to fancy the same guys!”

I said that just to show him that I was cool. That now I’d got my head round the idea I was just, like, totally and utterly relaxed.

“You’re the only person I’ve told,” said Josh.

“Not even Robert? Not even Damian?”

Josh said, “Specially not Robert or Damian.”

They are two boys in our class. They’re clever, like Josh. The three of them tend to hang out together.

“Why specially not them?” I said. “Don’t you reckon they’d be OK with it?”

“I guess – yeah! Probably. It’s just… I don’t particularly want anyone else to know.”

“Just me?”

I think that was one of the proudest moments of my life. That Josh had chosen me! But I still had to ask him. “Why me and not anybody else?”

He said, “Cos I feel you’re someone I can talk to. Maybe the only person I can talk to.”

“Not even your mum and dad?”

“God, no!” He reared away in horror. “I’m not gonna tell them!”

“Why not?”

“Are you mad? Would you tell your mum?”

I said, “N-no. But I’d tell yours!” Josh’s mum and dad are really nice. Really supportive. “You should tell them,” I said. “Otherwise you know what’ll happen… they’ll start teasing you about girlfriends, and it’ll just be, like, so embarrassing. It’s what my mum does about boys. It curls me up! You should tell them now,” I said, “so they have time to get used to it. You don’t want to spring it on them later.”

Josh said he didn’t want to spring it on them at all. “There isn’t any reason for them to know. There isn’t any reason for anyone to know.”

Just me. I assured him that I wouldn’t breathe a word to a soul, not even Indy, and I snatched up my guitar and started singing the song we’d just written.

How cool am I?

Think about about about a

NICE cube

Think about about about a

NICE cream

Think about a nice dream

Ice dream

Well, it went on for a bit and now I’ve forgotten the rest of it. But it did seem significant that we’d written it that particular day.

“See?” I said. “How cool am I!”

“I knew you would be,” said Josh. “That’s why I knew I could tell you.”

Everyone needs someone they can tell things to. Josh had told me he was worried cos he thought he might be gay – but I couldn’t tell Josh that I was worried cos I thought I might be too fat to be a rock star. I was too ashamed. I didn’t have anyone I could tell.

He said, “Promise me you won’t say anything!” and I gave him my word. I promised him. He had confided in me in strictest secrecy. He had trusted me. And now that hideous hag Marigold had gone and blown it. How had she found out? I hadn’t told a single solitary person. It had nearly killed me keeping it from Indy, cos me and Indy tell each other everything, but I hadn’t even so much as hinted. I wouldn’t do that to Josh!

My only hope was that everyone would be so busy gabbing about how Marigold had called me a fat freak and I’d called her a moron that they’d forget the words she’d yelled at me as I stalked through the door. Maybe Josh would never get to hear of it.

But I knew that he would. School is just like a seething cauldron when it comes to gossip.

CHAPTER THREE (#ue67c1f34-f02f-563f-b0c7-3ef69b84e525)

Next day was Wednesday. Only Wednesday! I felt like I had lived through a whole week already. Mum was on early turn. She came breezing into my bedroom while I was still wrapped in the duvet with my eyes gummed shut. She started making noise almost before she even got through the door.