The Little Book of Sloth Philosophy

Sloths are mindfulness in action. They’re contemplative, deliberate, relaxed and focused. They aren’t concerned with politics, or who drank the last of the milk, or how many steps they logged on their fitness tracker. They don’t really stress about anything. Live slow, die whenever is their motto. They’re wonderful animals. They resist the urge to be productive and the social pressure to be more successful. They’ve also been on this planet for tens of millions of years – a testament to the wisdom of their way of life, no? They must be doing something right. And now you, too, can live slothfully by embracing the sloth philosophy. It’s a simple mindset and a wonderful way of life – and it doesn’t take much to begin living the way of the sloth. In fact, you’ll be pleased to learn, it takes very little effort. Which is a key part of the sloth philosophy.

So don’t rush. And get ready to relax and unwind. Got a blanket handy? Some flannel pyjamas? Maybe a mug of tea?* (#ulink_64b553f5-2d97-5a1e-b769-639edf82d4f4) Good. Now read on. And soak up the take-it-slow wisdom of the sloth.

* (#ulink_7034480b-c25e-5ad3-a55b-27a09150c758) Please note the sloth philosophy embraces the best/least ridiculous parts of hygge, while dispensing with all the candles and socks. This isn’t just about taking time out to have a biscuit. Plus ‘sloth’ is easier to pronounce.

(#ulink_334b10c3-6bbf-521c-b29b-9f037b391aa7)Follow the SLOW Method for a More Slothful Life

The mantra of the sloth philosophy is slow down. To help ease yourself into this world, try following the SLOW method, outlined here. These four simple tips will help you become the best, most slothful version of yourself.

S

Sleep in. The world has a bizarre obsession with policing the amount of sleep we all get. On the one hand, we are being told how important it is, but on the other, being sleep deprived is sometimes even seen as a badge of honour. Oh, she runs her own company and only needs four hours of sleep a night. Let’s give her an award that she’s too exhausted to enjoy! But what if you sleep for, say, 12 hours? It’s too much. You’ll get some sort of laziness disease. Why fetishise sleeping in? Just do it. Sleep is good for you. Dreaming is good for you. It’s great for your skin and your immune system – and your emails can wait another hour or two while you pay homage to the duvet gods.

L

Leave your phone at home. This may seem obvious, but the idea of leaving your phone at home may also give you an anxiety attack. How will you find your way to the nearest Starbucks without your GPS? Trust me, you’ll find one. We’re all too plugged in. Too much screen time is ruining our brains and expanding our waistlines. Not looking at your phone every four minutes is better for you. But it’s also really hard to do. So to start, try leaving your phone at home the next time you pop out to the shops or run across the street for a flat white. See how it feels to be without your pocket technology for five minutes. Ten minutes. And over a period of days or weeks, work your way up to a couple of hours. The notifications can wait until you get back – and for those few minutes or hours take a deep breath and enjoy not being 100 per cent available and on call to the entire universe. If you can’t bear to leave your phone at home, try putting it on flight mode. You know, like you’re supposed to do on aeroplanes before they take off, so your Wi-Fi doesn’t bring down the plane.

O

Opt out. Embracing the way of the sloth requires an attitude adjustment. Make a choice to opt out of the idea that you need to be busy, engaged, connected and productive at all times. It’s just fine to be unproductive every so often. In fact, the sloth philosophy believes it’s essential to good mental health. Opting out on a practical level simply means doing less of the things you don’t want to do. Life comes with a lot of obligations, sure, and some of them are necessary for your own wellbeing or that of your loved ones. This includes things like feeding the cat or paying your rent. But we also commit to a lot of things we don’t necessarily want or need to do. Part of slowing down and embracing the sloth philosophy is realising you don’t have to do everything or be all things to everyone. Being busy isn’t a badge of honour if you’re miserable.

W

‘What’s the rush?’ Repeat this phrase when you’re feeling overwhelmed or stressed out. Ask yourself whether something really needs doing immediately. Are you ignoring your own needs in order to do it? If you are about to take a rejuvenating walk in the spring sunshine, but get a text message from your accountant asking about a missing file which causes you to check your email where you see a note from a friend asking about your plans for visiting the countryside tomorrow which you start to reply to but first you need to research that art gallery you heard about so you can include the link in your reply and then it’s an hour later and somehow you’ve bought four pair of shoes from ASOS (also that reminds you that before your trip you need to wash your sneakers, throw out the rotten fridge lettuce and call the school) … you need to rethink your priorities. Take a step back. Try and put any feelings of urgency into perspective. Remember our collective past when our grandparents sent paper letters to their friends and family via boats? Catching up with each other took weeks. And they all survived. Take a breath. Vow to do it later. Or tomorrow. If at all. Will anyone or anything suffer if you take that walk first?

Quiz

What’s Your Sloth Personality?

Your ideal book is:

A. fun and entertaining; preferably with pictures; maybe some manga

B. the latest in fine literature; probably Zadie Smith or Ali Smith

C. preferably about astrology, and definitely an audio book (Who has the energy to actually hold a book these days?)

D. a rush-to-publication memoir – by someone who’s been famous for fewer than eight months

E. something inspiring like How to Live Hard, Hustle Hard and Love Your Life to the Fullest

When your boss tells you something needs to be done urgently you:

A. give her a thumbs-up and resolve to get to it after lunch; tomorrow after lunch, probably

B. silently contemplate the best way to get the thing done

C. take a nap

D. get some snacks and then watch a video online about how best to do the thing

E. clear your schedule, open a spreadsheet and wait for the waves of anxiety

When it comes to snacking you reach for:

A. cheese-flavoured snacks

B. green tea and sushi

C. cereal with marshmallows

D. a bottle of meal-replacement liquid

E. diet water

If you could sum up your outlook on life with a trite phrase, it would be:

A. it’s 4:20 somewhere

B. silence isn’t empty; it’s full of answers

C. sleep, perchance to dream

D. hide your wife, hide your kids

E. work hard, hustle harder

Answers

Mostly As: stoner sloth. Not much bothers you. You like to eat your leaves and chill in peace. Friends love you for your zero-drama, laid-back approach to the world.

Mostly Bs: meditative sloth. You’re an independent, introspective sloth. You like beaches, being a Libra or Scorpio, and taking time to paint your nails and read a book. It’s intellectual stimulation, solitude and self-care that you crave.

Mostly Cs: sloth goddess Aergia. Some people are energetic, practical, get-up-and-go types. And others, like you, are dreamers – just living for your next nap. You know that getting a full twelve hours is the best way to recharge. Like the goddess of sloth, Aergia, you live for being lazy.

Mostly Ds: ‘Let-me-tell-you-about-the-latest-sloth-meme’ sloth. In front of the computer* (#ulink_0ebc290a-aab7-5dee-8b18-41daf7879505) is your personal sloth style and you’ve had at least one social-media post go viral. You love popular culture, keeping up with the latest memes, experimenting with up-to-the-minute trends and kicking back with your feet up. Friends love you as you’re always effortlessly informed about everything.

Mostly Es: manic sloth. You’re less of a sloth and more of a cheetah. Remember the SLOW method and try and relax a little bit – too much running around can be bad for your health. In fact, if sloths move too quickly they can die from expending too much energy. Let that be a warning.

* (#ulink_4eceda19-1f9f-5bc5-8a63-31fce338606d) But not at a standing or treadmill desk. Your screen time is strictly sitting-down time.

Famous Followers of the Sloth Philosophy (#ulink_b4b3686f-5fce-5220-ae54-7973275a56c1)

The sloth philosophy has its own heroes – men and women who get up late, procrastinate, take lots of breaks and (surprise) manage to get stuff done in their own time. Because of their fame and success, you may not associate them with a sloth lifestyle. But rest assured, if you rest first, you’ll probably get around to it eventually – just like the winners you’ll read about here.

DOUGLAS ADAMS

Douglas Adams came up with the idea for the title of The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy while lying drunk in a field – not the first time being drunk or taking a nap has paid off, so let this be a lesson to us all. He was also notoriously bad with deadlines, saying, ‘I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by.’ The author’s book editor reportedly once spent three weeks locked in a hotel room with him to ensure he wrote and delivered the manuscript for So Long, and Thanks for All the Fish. He even recalls doing very little work at university – com-pleting three essays in as many years. He graduated nonetheless, and went on to become one of England’s most successful and best-known authors – all at his own pace.