Looking for Andrew McCarthy

‘Oh, I’ve done that. It’s not too bad.’

‘Number ten: being eaten by a SHARK.’

‘Goodnight Hedgehog.’

‘Goodnight Big Bastard.’ She set his toothbrush back in the stand. ‘And hello amoebic dysentery,’ she whispered to herself. ‘And don’t think I’m going to be here to look after you, because I am going to be far, far away.’

The Breakfast Club (#ulink_6134eb3c-a279-5ea9-866c-f2ef6e205d3b)

The computers were down again at Julia’s office. It was Friday, so she certainly deserved to be kicking back, she thought, kicking back.

‘Aren’t you even thinking about it?’ she said to Arthur, toying with her phone card.

‘God yeah,’ said Arthur. ‘I’ve always wanted to go to San Francisco. I don’t feel my cowboy hat has had quite the adventures it deserves.’

‘Yeah, right. And also of course you’re the most boring monogamous man in the world.’

Arthur liked to think of himself as the dashing gay blade around town as opposed to someone who got endless crushes on people and treated them really, really nicely for ages. Especially Colin, who still lived with his parents.

‘I am not!’

‘How long have you been seeing the puppy now?’

‘Six months. But I don’t love him or anything. I’m footloose and fancy free. I’d be very fancy free in San Francisco. If I could afford it. But, you know, I’ve put the deposit on the Eames chair.’

Arthur lived in a minuscule studio filled with beautiful things he saved up for very, very slowly.

‘Yeah, right. Coward. I don’t really want to go. It’s an awful lot of holiday time for one of Ellie’s scheme-stroke-nightmare-o-ramas.’

‘Oh, come on. You’ve never been to LA. You must want to at least see it?’

‘A town entirely devoted to the worship of enormous plastic tits? Not especially. Anyway, it’s the most racist country in the world. Loxy probably wouldn’t make it past immigration.’

Loxy’s family was from Ghana.

‘Come without him. We could have a proper girly holiday.’

‘Hmm,’ said Julia. ‘Yeah, you and Hedgehog tart it about and I hold your coats. No thanks.’

‘How’s the Hedgehog? Still in gloom?’

‘She’s okay. I suggested she go travelling on her own and she said why didn’t I become new best friends with Caroline Snotface Lafayette.’

‘Hmm. Well, Siobhan phoned me again and said she would go if we were going for a proper holiday but under no circumstances was she looking for anyone. Except Patrick of course.’

They both sighed.

‘I wouldn’t mind if it weren’t just such a fucking stupid idea,’ said Julia.

‘I know. George Clooney I could have understood.’

‘Ohp, hang on. I’ve got e-mail. I bet it’s from her.’

She clicked.

‘Yup, it is. Oh, and it’s a circular – you’re on the list too. You’d better look and check it out.’

The line went quiet as they read the mail.

From: e.eversholt@rooney&co.co.uk

To: Julia; Arthur; Siobhan

Re: Official ‘Let’s Go On a Wonderful Trip and Put the Joy

Back Into Our Lives,’ planning meeting to be held at Elms,

11am Sunday morning.

Dear Guys

Think about it: we’re the generation that created Live Aid and now we have to pay Tesco to deliver our marmalade. Get your leave of absence forms today. Can you fucking believe you even have to get a form to have any tiny bit of life whatsoever? One tiny pathetic little month in forty years of grind? Can you believe that someone is actually paid to design those forms? How depressed does that make you about modern life? Remember: everybody wants to rule the world.

ISN’T FUN THE BEST THING TO HAVE?

See you there,

H.xx

For the last three years, Elms on a Sunday morning had been the traditional meeting place for pancakes and hungover gossip.

‘She’s HIJACKING us!’ said Julia.

‘At the moment, I could …’

‘Oh, hang on, I’ve got a call on the other line. Hi? Yes, we both have. Hang on. Arthur, it’s Siobhan. I’ll phone you back.’

‘You’re call waiting me? What, you like Siobhan more than me?’

‘Goodbye Arthur.’

‘I can’t belie …’

‘She’s hijacking us!’ barked Siobhan. ‘If we all turn up, the next thing you know we’ll be on some terrible jumbo jet, then it’ll crash and they’ll have to identify us by our toes.’

‘I know. I know. We could go somewhere else, you know. We could all meet in the Mexican place next door and she could come and join us when she’s come to her senses.’

‘Tacos at eleven in the morning? That’s even grosser than leaving our jobs to spend a month looking for some sad out-of-work actor guy.’