His Lordship's Desire

Diana regarded Bart. “He’s splendid,” she agreed. “I imagine a cavalryman becomes very attached to his horse.”

“They can be the difference between life and death to a man sometimes.” His black hair had tumbled forward over his forehead and his light blue eyes were serious.

He looked the same as when he left, yet he also looked different. He was bigger now; his shoulders were wider, his chest broader and there were strong muscles under the tight-fitting riding breeches that he wore. He had gone away a boy and come back a man.

She heard herself saying, “I’m nervous about being introduced into London society.”

“You shouldn’t be,” he replied. “You’re under the wing of my mother. Everything should go very smoothly for you.”

She confided her deepest fear. “We’re going to Almack’s tonight. What if no one dances with me?”

“Don’t worry about that,” he assured her. “Haven’t men wanted to dance with you all your life?”

“But that was in the country, where people knew me.”

“Believe me, I don’t think you’ll have any problem, but if you do I’ll round up some men to dance with you. Don’t worry, you won’t be left sitting with the chaperones.”

She gave him a smile. “Thank you, Alex. It’s just…I never expected to feel so out of my depth.” Tears stung behind her eyes. “And I miss Freddie. I should never have left him home.”

“I can send for him if it’s that important to you.”

Her face lit to radiance. “Can you? Would that not be too much trouble?”

“Not at all. I’ll send the curricle for him. We’ll have him here in London for you in no time.”

“It won’t be too confining for him, will it? I can walk him in the park every day.”

“He’ll be fine. The horses are more cooped up than they’re accustomed to as well. That’s why it’s good for us to get them out in the morning for a gallop.”

She nodded.

His voice deepened. “For how many years have the two of us ridden together in the morning, Dee?”

“Ever since we were children.” Her voice hardened. “Until you went away.”

They were walking side-by-side on a loose rein, the horses’ heads swinging comfortably as they went along. A slight breeze ruffled the hair on Alex’s forehead. “I had to go, Dee,” he said earnestly. “I know you don’t understand, and I know I can’t really expect you to forgive me, but it was just something in me that I couldn’t deny. I needed to go. I had wanted to be a soldier for all of my life, and then my father finally agreed…I just couldn’t pass up the chance.”

“Yes,” she said tightly. “You made your choice, Alex. I understood that very well.”

“I didn’t mean to leave you forever. I told you I would come back when the war was over. I told you I would marry you.”

She stared straight ahead, between Monty’s small, pointed ears. “You could have come back in a wooden box, like my father. What good would that have been to me?”

“I wouldn’t have been much good to you with my heart always someplace else. You knew that. That’s why you told me to go.”

She turned to look at him. “Was it as glorious as you thought it was going to be, Alex? Did you love being a soldier?”

She thought she saw a shadow pass over his face. “I wouldn’t exactly call it glorious,” he said. She could hear that he was trying to speak lightly. “It was a pretty dirty job at times. But it was a good cause, and we were successful. What happened in the Peninsula had a lot to do with Napoleon’s downfall.”

It sounded to Diana as if Alex had not been as thrilled with life as a soldier as he had expected to be. Perversely, this made her glad.

“I expect being in a battle wasn’t much fun,” she said.

“No.” His voice was clipped.

They walked in silence for a while. Then Alex turned to her. “Dee, is it really too late for us? Can’t we start over again? I know you have a right to be angry with me. But I love you. I have always loved you. I don’t want you to marry another man, I want you to marry me. Will you at least consider that?”

She returned his look, her brown eyes grave in her exquisite face. “It’s too late,” she said. “The feelings I had for you are gone.”

His mouth set in a grim line. “I don’t believe that. I can’t believe it.”

A bird flew close to Monty’s head and he sidled a little. “It’s true,” she lied. “Something in me died when you left, Alex. For a long time I was very angry with you, but now that you’re back even my anger is gone. We’re finished. That’s all there is to it. I’m sorry.”

He said, “Get off that horse and kiss me, Dee, and then tell me you have no feelings left for me.”

She raised her chin and stared ahead. “I have no intention of kissing you! You lost your rights to my kisses a long time ago.” She fought to compose herself. “We might start to trot. The horses have caught their breath.”

She started Monty going briskly forward, eager to end their conversation. After a moment, Alex followed.

Seven

Diana parted with Alex in the stable yard and went up to the house. Her mother, Lady Standish and Sally were at breakfast and she joined them. Their conversation revolved around what they would do today and about the coming evening at Almack’s. Shortly after, Alex came in. Diana ate her breakfast and never looked at him.

After breakfast, Diana went up to her room to change out of her riding clothes. She was upset about her discussion with Alex and after she took off her boots and her habit, she put on a wrapper and went to lie on the bed, staring up at the blue draperies that surrounded her.

He wanted to marry her. In so many ways, that would be the perfect solution to her future. To live at Standish Court which she loved so much…to raise her children there…

But she couldn’t marry him. She carried too much pain. Her mind shied away at the thought of that pain and what had caused it. Better not to dwell on it, she told herself. Better to try to put Alex behind me and go on with my life.

But the past intruded upon her well intentioned plan and, against her will, her mind traveled back in time to when she was fifteen years old and she and Alex had been riding their horses in the park in the early morning. They had dismounted by the lake to give the horses a chance to drink and as they stood there a deer came down to the other side of the lake. It had been summer, and the air was soft and gentle. At the sight of the lovely animal, Diana had felt something stir inside of her, and, instinctively, she had turned to Alex.

He was looking at her. “You are so beautiful, Dee,” he said. His light eyes had darkened slightly and his voice was a little unsteady. Slowly his head bent toward hers and she had lifted her face. For the first time, their lips had met.

They had kissed gently, tentatively, then Alex’s mouth had hardened and he had put his arms around her. She had leaned against him and kissed him back. When finally he raised his head, they both were breathing quickly.

“Oh, Dee,” he said shakily. “Oh, Dee.”

She didn’t know what to say. They had been friends for so many years. But this was something new.

“What does this mean?” she asked.

“I think it means we love each other,” he had returned.

She thought for a moment, and then she had nodded. “Yes,” she had said. “I think it means that, too.”

She lay now on her bed, her eyes closed, and remembered that first kiss. She would remember it for as long as she lived. She would remember the look in Alex’s eyes, she would remember how his hard, young body had felt against hers.

She shut her eyes very tightly and willed the memory to go away. It was futile to dwell on the past. Alex hadn’t really loved her—or he hadn’t loved her enough. That was what she had to remember.