To The Castle

Mother Margaret said gently, “When you were dedicated, your father had a son and another daughter. Now he has only you.”

Nell was stunned. Mother was sounding as if she approved of this change in Nell’s status! She said tensely, “I was hoping that you would speak to my father. I was hoping you would tell him that the ways of God come before the ways of men.”

Mother Margaret leaned a little forward. “My dear child,” she said. “we will miss you very much. You have given much joy to this convent. But you must obey your father, Nell. The Commandments tell us, honor thy father and thy mother.”

Nell felt betrayed. She had been so sure that Mother Superior would fight for her. “If you could just talk to him, perhaps he will change his mind,” she pleaded.

Mother Margaret shook her head decisively. Her light blue eyes held sympathy for Nell, but her words were adamant. “I will not interfere. You can continue to serve God, no matter what your station in life, Nell. You will be in a high position, a position where you can affect many lives—many more lives than you would affect in this convent. Perhaps God has had this plan for you all along. You learned here how to be a religious woman. Now it is time for you to take what you have learned and apply it to the life you will lead as mistress of many people.”

“But I don’t want to leave here,” Nell cried in deep distress. “I have been happy here!”

Mother folded her hands in her lap. “I am glad about that, but now your duty lies elsewhere, Nell. Your family needs you more than we do.”

There was a little silence. Nell hunched her shoulders and stared into her lap. “I thought you would take my side.”

“Look at me,” Mother Superior said.

Reluctantly, Nell lifted her eyes.

“Your job will be to work good in the world,” Mother said.

“That is a much harder task than praying from within the shelter of a convent, but I’m sure you’re equal to it.”

No, I’m not, Nell thought. I don’t want to go into the world.

Mother Superior continued. “One thing you can do is bring healing to those who need it. Sister Helen tells me that you are almost as accomplished an herb woman as she is. We have Sister Helen—we don’t need another healer. But many people in the world need the skill you have, Nell. That will be something you can do for God.”

Nell stared into Mother’s light eyes. She truly thought that Nell should go. She’s wrong, Nell thought rebelliously. I’m sure God wants me to stay here.

“Be a good daughter to your parents,” Mother Superior said. “They have need of you now.”

Nell’s chin set stubbornly and she did not answer. Mother Margaret stood up and Nell followed. Mother Margaret was half a head taller than the girl. “I am sure you will want to say goodbye to all your friends. Come, have dinner with us in the refectory and I will relax the order for silence so you may converse.”

There was nothing more that Nell could say. Mother Margaret’s mind was clearly made up. Tears stung behind Nell’s eyes. She was going to have to leave the convent.

Mother Superior said, “I am sure you will want to give your news to Sister Helen. I believe at this hour she is in the herb garden. Go and find her.”

“Thank you, Mother.” Nell pushed the words through the choking feeling in her throat.

She went back down the stairs and let herself out through the thick wooden door. This is terrible, she thought in panic as she crossed the courtyard and took the path that led between the convent and the squat storage building. How can I bear to leave here? How can I bear to leave Sister Helen?

The path descended gently to the convent’s large kitchen garden. At the far end of the garden was a fenced-off area and a small hut with smoke coming out of the smoke hole. Nell crossed the kitchen garden, went through the fence and into the hut.

A nun was standing with her back to the door, watching a glass pot as it cooked on a small stove. At the sight of the familiar figure, tears flooded Nell’s eyes.

“Sister Helen,” she said.

The nun turned. “Nell! You’re back. How are you? How are your parents?” She left the burner and came to stand beside Nell and look into her face.

Sister Helen was small, like Nell, and their eyes met easily. Nell looked into the pretty, unlined face of the person she loved best in the world and felt her stomach clench. The tears spilled down her cheeks.

“Oh, Sister Helen,” she cried. “Something terrible has happened. My father has said I must leave the convent and go to live with him and my mother. They want me to take my sister’s place!”

There was a moment of silence. The mixture of herbs gave off a pungent smell that filled the hut.

“Oh, my dear,” Sister Helen said, her voice full of aching sympathy.

Nell’s sobs broke loose. “I asked Mother Margaret to intercede with my father, but she won’t! She says I must obey my parents and leave the convent.”

Sister Helen took Nell’s hands into her own small work-worn ones. She spoke soberly, “Mother Margaret has no say in your future, Nell. You are the daughter of a powerful man. If the earl wants you home, then home you must go.”

“But he gave me away!” Nell cried through her tears. “He and my mother. They didn’t want me, Sister Helen. They still don’t want me. They need a daughter, that’s all. It isn’t fair that my life should be turned upside down because they have changed their minds.”

Nell flung herself forward and Sister Helen’s arms closed around her. There was a long silence where the only sounds were the pot boiling on the burner and Nell crying. Then Sister Helen said quietly, “Listen to me, Nell. It may very well be that God has other plans for you than the convent. You will join the world of the great. You may be in a position to do much good. Perhaps that is God’s plan for you.”

Nell said into her shoulder, “That is what Mother Margaret said. But I don’t think it’s true. I think I was meant to be a nun.”

Sister Helen patted Nell’s back between her shoulder blades. “I think you should listen to Mother. She is a very wise woman, Nell.”

“I don’t want to leave you!” Nell cried passionately. “You have always been my best friend. You have been more my mother than my real mother ever was.”

Sister Helen put her hands on Nell’s shoulders and held her away. She looked into her streaming eyes. “God knows, I will miss you very much. Very much. But we must bow to His will, my dear. That is what we are put on this earth to do.”

“It is the will of my father,” Nell retorted through her tears. “I’m not so sure it is the will of God.”

Sister Helen tightened her grasp on Nell’s shoulders. “Listen to me, Nell. I know this is hard for you. Your life is going to be very different from the life you have known. But it’s important that you feel you are doing God’s work in your new life. It is easy to be religious in the convent—much harder in the world. But that is now your calling and you must embrace it, however hard it may be. Are you listening to me?”

Nell said in a trembling voice, “I am listening, Sister.”

“Good. Take pity on your father instead of blaming him. He is a man who has lost two children. And your mother, too. Show yourself to be a good daughter to them—they need you now.”

They never needed me before.

“Have you heard me, Nell?” Sister Helen asked gently.

Nell tried hard to stop crying. “I heard you, Sister. But I still think this is the wrong thing to do.”

“It is important that you make the best of the life that has been chosen for you,” Sister Helen said soberly. “Promise me you will think about what Mother Margaret and I have said.”

Nell didn’t answer.

“Nell?”

“I promise,” Nell said in a low voice.

Sister Helen squeezed Nell’s shoulders then dropped her hands. “I will miss you,” she said painfully.

“Oh, and I will miss you!”