Why Men Marry Some Women and Not Others: How to Increase Your Marriage Potential by up to 60%

I’m not suggesting money is a subject that couples shouldn’t discuss when they’re thinking about marriage. All couples need to discuss money, especially when either partner has assets and responsibilities. Just don’t base the discussion on the assumption that either one is out to take advantage of the other.

Parents’ Marriage

Another factor that determines whether a man is likely to get married is the success, or lack thereof, of his parents’ marriage. This, of course, affects women as well. We found that many single men and women in their late thirties and forties were products of divorce. With the men, in most cases their parents’ marriage broke up when they were young, and it seemed to have affected the way they looked at life. The difference between older children of divorce and other confirmed bachelors is their reason for not being married. Older single men whose parents had a good marriage say, “I’m not getting married because I’m not ready,” “I’m not the marrying type,” “I enjoy being single.”

Older unmarried men who are products of divorce complain about marriage itself. They’d like to get married, they say, but they don’t have much faith in the institution; it’s not all it’s cracked up to be. They believe in living together, because in their minds, once people marry, the romance ends. They usually don’t keep their feelings a secret. If you talk with them about marriage, they tend to be very open about what they believe. Men from divorced homes do marry, but they’re a bit reluctant to do so. Often the women had to drag them to the altar. Obviously, since it plays such an important role in a man’s decision making, the marital status of a man’s parents is one of the first things you want to find out.

(If you’d like to investigate further the effect of divorce on adult children, read The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce by Judith Wallerstein, a book I discovered after I had completed my research.)

None of this is to suggest that if you meet a man whose parents were divorced, you should immediately cross him off your list. About half the people in America fall into that category, and you’d end up with a very short list. But it’s definitely one of the things you should bear in mind and ask about when you are dating a man you’re considering marrying. I can’t tell you exactly how much impact it will have on any particular man’s decision to marry, but I know it can be a big stumbling block.

Socioeconomic Factors

Another crucial factor that influences the chances of a couple marrying is socioeconomic mix. If both members of a dating couple come from the same or a similar background, they’re substantially more likely to get married than if their backgrounds are dissimilar. Date men who will fit in with your friends and business associates. Opposites may attract, but men and women from similar backgrounds marry.

So bear in mind that a man is much more likely to marry you if he is from the same socioeconomic background as you are.

When Religion and Politics Mix

Other factors that contribute to the likelihood of a relationship leading to marriage are religious beliefs and political persuasion. Each of these has a relative value. If a man is deeply committed to his religion, he probably won’t marry outside that religion unless the woman gives in to him on religious matters. The same goes for a woman with strong ties to a religion; her fiancé may need to accept her faith. In some cases, this means one person converting to the other’s religion. The most common impediment to marriage is one party’s insistence that the children be raised in his or her faith. So if you’re dating someone from another religion and both of you hold your religious beliefs very strongly, it dramatically reduces the chance that you will marry.

Couples coming out of marriage license bureaus confirmed these findings. A number of them told us that before they met their intended, they had had a serious relationship in which religious differences caused one party to break it off. I’m not suggesting there aren’t interreligious marriages; I have friends and family whose interreligious marriages work very well. But it’s a statistical fact that commonly held religious beliefs increase the likelihood a couple will marry.

Therefore, if you have a choice of dating two men who seem equally desirable, but one holds the same religious beliefs you do and the other doesn’t, you’re better off dating the man with beliefs similar to yours. Your chances of marrying him are much greater than your chances of marrying the other man.

The importance of belief systems cannot be underestimated, and this is also demonstrated in political areas. Men and women often do not cross “party lines” on the way to the altar: Republicans generally marry Republicans, Democrats marry Democrats, conservatives marry conservatives, and liberals marry liberals. Of course, there are exceptions. One of the most public party-crossing couples is conservative pundit Mary Matalin and Democratic campaign manager James Carville, who worked for opposite sides when Democrat Bill Clinton challenged GOP incumbent George H. W. Bush for the presidency.

In the focus group we put together to investigate political alignments in marriage, we discovered that many married couples were politically divided. We know more women vote Democratic than men, and more men vote Republican than women. Political disagreements are a significant factor only when they’re grounded in core beliefs. Differences of opinions on core values such as abortion, capital punishment, or even disciplining children can divide a couple.

So if your deeply held values and beliefs, religious or political, clash with those of your man, it’s less likely that you will wed. Think it over. People with similar beliefs and values tend to have similar outlooks on life and are usually more compatible.

Living at Home

Men who live at home with their parents are less likely to marry than men who have their own places. This is more significant in some communities than in others. In communities where circumstances make it difficult for young people to find a suitable place to live—for example, an expensive suburb where there are no rentals—it isn’t as important. Nevertheless, a man who lives alone is more likely to marry than one who lives with his parents. We also discovered that men who have never lived away from home are less likely to marry than men who have. Men who have gone away to college or have worked in a different city are more likely to marry than men who have never left their parents’ home.

Following the Pack

Another important question a woman should ask a man before getting serious is whether any of his male friends have married in the last year or so. If so, there’s a substantially higher chance that he himself will tie the knot within the next two years than if none of his buddies has recently renounced bachelorhood. More than 60 percent of the men we questioned coming out of marriage license bureaus told us they had a friend who had married within the last year.

After we asked men in singles bars if any of their friends had recently married, and if they themselves were considering getting married, we saw a reason for this correlation. Seeing their friends marrying had clearly caused a change in their thinking. Those who said none of their male friends was married were two to three times as likely to tell our researchers they were not ready to marry. Of those who had seen even a few male friends get married recently, a majority said if they met the right woman, they might think seriously about getting married. There’s no question men play follow-the-leader when it comes to marriage.

Keeping It in the Family

A follow-the-leader factor can also be seen in families. Single men who had unmarried older siblings—particularly if the siblings were still living at home and past the prime marrying age—were less likely to find a spouse than men whose older siblings were married, or those men who had no older siblings.

Men usually will tell you what they think. If a man says he does not see himself married, could never see himself married, doesn’t think marriage is for him, you should look elsewhere.

Date Only the Marrying Kind

To dramatically increase your chances of marrying you must seek out and date the marrying kind.

Statistical Truths About the Marrying Kind

Most men will not even consider marriage before they reach the age of commitment. For 80 percent of high school graduates, the minimum age of commitment is twenty-three, whereas for 80 percent of college graduates, it’s twenty-six.

The high-commitment period for most college-educated men is from ages twenty-eight to thirty-three.

For men who go to graduate school—doctors, lawyers, and the like—the high-commitment period runs from thirty to thirty-six.

After age thirty-seven or thirty-eight, the chance that a man will commit diminishes. After forty-three, it diminishes even more.

Most men think sowing their wild oats is a rite of passage and will not even contemplate marriage until they have been working and living as independent adults for several years.

Men are most likely to marry after they become uncomfortable with the singles scene.

Men have biological clocks. They want to be young enough to teach their sons to fish and play ball, and to do the male-bonding thing.

Men who look at marriage as a financial arrangement in which women have the most to gain are not likely to marry—nor are they good prospects. Run … fast.

Men whose parents divorced when they were young are often gun-shy about marrying.

Men often marry women whose backgrounds—religion, politics, values, socioeconomic status—match theirs.

Men who have their own places and have lived as independent, self-supporting adults are more likely to marry.

Men whose friends and siblings are married are more likely to marry.

If a man over the age of forty has been married before, he is more likely to marry than a forty-year-old man who has never been married.

If you wish to facilitate a trip to the altar, meet and date only the marrying kind!

2 First Impressions (#ulink_d847d944-58d1-515f-82b8-6042510c6eb4)

EVERY SPEAKER wants to draw as large an audience as possible, and I’m no exception. I love it when the room is filled with people. Still, a few years back when I approached a room in which I was scheduled to speak, I was surprised by the overflow crowd—there were at least as many people in the hallway as there were in the room.

I started by asking the audience why they were there. A very attractive young woman in the first row asked if I remembered Margie from the Chicago office inquiring whether the popularity sales skills I was teaching would work in a social setting. I explained that I speak to more than a hundred audiences a year, so I didn’t remember Margie. Then she asked: Would practicing looking positive, upbeat, and pleasant make a woman more attractive to men? I said I was almost sure it would. She said, “That’s what you told Margie, and that’s why we’re here.”

I found out later that after I had given Margie that advice, she and half a dozen other single women in her company had decided to test my theory. They agreed to meet every Friday at lunch in one of the conference rooms to practice looking pleasant, friendly, and positive. After the first meeting, they decided it would be helpful to practice at home for a week before meeting again. The following Friday, each of them would role-play meeting three different men for the first time. The women critiqued one another’s performances and made suggestions for improvement.

They ran these meetings once a week for six weeks before they had to stop. Word had leaked out of what they were doing, and dozens of women began showing up—far too many for such an intimate format to work well.

These meetings were based on a handout I used when training salespeople. I had knocked off the handout in a few hours when a salesperson told me he had forgotten exactly what he should practice at home after going to one of my training sessions.

The little handout proved very helpful. Some salespeople used it to practice, whereas others read it over before a major presentation. Most agreed it taught them how to make a good first impression.

The importance of making a positive first impression on anyone—potential client or potential mate—cannot be emphasized enough. When we asked men who had just gotten engaged what attracted them to their fiancées when they first met, most said it was how classy, positive, energetic, enthusiastic, and upbeat their future wives were. Over and over, we heard answers such as, “She was so vivacious,” or “She was enthusiastic”—or “bubbly,” or “friendly.” “I was immediately attracted to her,” many of them told us. Interestingly, while 68 percent gave some sort of physical description of the woman they were about to marry, only about 20 percent of those men described their future wives as gorgeous or sexy, whereas more than 60 percent described their personalities. That was what attracted most of them in the first place. Even men who were marrying very beautiful women were more likely to emphasize their fiancée’s personality over her physical beauty. They typically said things such as:

“I took one look at her, and I knew she was the kind of person I wanted to be with.”