Born Bad

‘It isn’t a town, son. It’s a village – name of Heath and Reach.’ This whole area had been his stamping ground. ‘The nearest town is Leighton Buzzard,’ he pointed towards the curve of the canal, ‘about four miles in that direction.’

‘Leighton Buzzard? That’s a funny name. So, is that where we’re going?’

‘Nope.’ Harry shook his head.

‘Where are we going then?’

Again, Harry turned away, his mind filled with things belonging to the past. Things that had never really left him.

The boy tugged on Harry’s sleeve. ‘I’m tired.’

Smiling patiently, Harry slid an arm round his narrow shoulders. ‘I know,’ he conceded. ‘It’s been a long journey, but we’re not far off now.’

‘Where are we going?’

‘Oh, Tom, I already told you three times on the way here. We’re going to a place called Fisher’s Hill. The place where I grew up.’

‘Oh yes.’ The boy dropped his quiet gaze to the water’s edge. He didn’t want to go somewhere strange. He wanted to go back to his own house. He wanted his mammy, and the garden where he played at soldiers behind the trees.

But it was gone now. All gone, and the child’s heart was heavy.

‘Will I like it in our new place, Daddy?’ he asked tearfully.

‘I hope so, son.’ Harry was anxious, for both of them. ‘Yes, I believe you will like it. I know you’ll like Kathleen. She’s a lovely person. When I was growing up and something really bad happened, Kathleen was very good to me.’

‘Was that when your mammy and daddy got burned?’

Shocked, Harry swung round. ‘Tom! Who told you that?’

‘I heard you talking with Mammy,’ Tom answered candidly.

‘Oh, I see.’ In an odd way, Harry was strangely relieved, though he wondered how a small boy could have remembered something like that.

‘Mammy asked you to promise you would go back, and you said you didn’t want to, because you had those bad memories.’

‘That’s right, son. I did say that.’ He was sorry that Tom had been living with those thoughts, and then felt the need to clarify something. ‘Can you remember anything else – apart from the bit about the bad memories?’ he asked.

Tom shrugged his shoulders, but gave no answer.

‘Well, when I told Mammy that I didn’t want to go back to where I grew up, she reminded me that I shouldn’t just remember the bad memories, because there were good memories as well. Memories of love, and friendship, and of that kind lady called Kathleen, who took me in after I lost my parents. That’s really why Mammy wanted us to go back.’

‘Because she was going away, wasn’t she?’

‘Yes, son,’ Harry said in a choked voice, ‘because she was going away, and she did not want us to be without friends.’

Tom considered that, before, with the innocence of a child, he asked, ‘Will Kathleen really like me?’

Harry smiled at that. ‘Of course she’ll like you. She won’t be able to help herself.’

There followed a brief span of silence while each of them took stock of the situation, ‘Daddy?’

‘Yes, son?’

‘Kathleen won’t pretend to be my real mammy, will she?’

‘No. She would never do that.’

‘I wish Mammy could be with us.’

‘I know, son.’ Harry’s voice fell to a whisper. ‘But she can’t. I’m sorry, Tom, but we have to get used to that.’

‘I miss her.’ The tears threatened.

‘I know you do, and so do I.’ He drew the boy close. ‘If there was any other way, you know I would make it right. But I can’t, so from now on, it’s just the two of us.’

‘Will Mammy be all right without us?’

‘Don’t worry. She’ll be fine.’

‘Is she with the angels?’

‘I imagine so. Yes, that’s where she is … with the angels.’

The boy’s next question shook Harry to the roots, for it echoed his own deepest fears. ‘We’ll never see her again, will we? Not ever.’

For the moment, Harry could not bring himself to answer. The truth was, he still had not come to terms with her loss.

He looked down on that small, bewildered face, and he felt helpless. ‘We have no way of knowing if we’ll ever see her again, Tom,’ he answered quietly. ‘But even if we can’t see her, I bet she can see us. Wherever we go, she’ll be keeping an eye on us; wanting us to be strong, wanting us to look after each other.’

Tom was amazed. ‘Does she know I got my feet wet in the stream?’

Harry smiled. ‘Maybe she does, yes.’

‘When we go back to the car, will she come with us?’

‘I don’t know, son.’

Tears were inevitable as they tumbled down the boy’s face. ‘I want my Mammy … I want her now!’

Grabbing the boy into his arms, Harry pacified him. ‘Hush now. I want her too, but we can’t have her back, except in our hearts and minds. That’s something, isn’t it, Tom? That really is … something.’

Sensing his father’s desolation, the boy wrapped his arms round his neck. ‘I’m sorry, Daddy.’

‘I’m sorry too, son.’ Brushing back the boy’s brown hair, he put his hand under his chin and lifted Tom’s face to him. ‘I love you, Tom. I’ll take good care of you, just like Mammy wanted.’

After a while he led the boy by the hand and together they walked back across the field and over the bridge. ‘We’d best make tracks.’ He didn’t want it to be dark when they got there. ‘Kathleen will be wondering where we are.’ It was so long since he’d seen that kindly soul, he had almost forgotten what she looked like.

‘What if she doesn’t like me?’ Tom began to fret again.