Candy Everybody Wants

‘No probs, Mrs. Wernermeier,’ Jayson responded. ‘And you can call me Mr. Blocher.’

Jayson didn’t even try being polite to the twins’ mother anymore. Terri’s main goal in life–second only to serving her LordGodJesusChristSaviorOfAllMankind–was making the Blocher family miserable. While most of the neighborhood had taken issue with one or another of the Blochers’ escapades, it was generally Terri who made the first phone call to Child Services Department; the Police Department; the Fire Department; the Animal Control Department; and, in one particularly memorable accidental fish hook injury, the Hunting and Fishing Department. Toni often swore that Terri must have the government services Yellow Page ripped out and stuck to their refrigerator.

Perhaps what bothered Terri the most was her children’s friendship with ‘an avowed eventual sinner’ like Jayson. However the twins’ father, Tom, had always been more than cordial toward Jayson and his family. Like Terri, Tom had also gone to high school with Toni. As Toni had once told Jayson, he’d fingered her at Homecoming.

Trey and Tara were downstairs, sharing a green and yellow beanbag chair imprinted with a Green Bay Packers logo.

‘Voila! The final script!’ Jayson said, bellyflopping on the couch behind them. ‘Here, I typed up two copies.’ He threw them into the twins’ laps. They were both engrossed in an afternoon rerun of theirs and Jayson’s favorite sitcom, Disorder in the Court, which TV Guide described as ‘the madcap adventures of a curmudgeonly family court judge and his six boisterously lovable inner-city foster children.’ It was a blatant rip-off of Diff’rent Strokes, but Jayson was willing to overlook the breach of copyright ethics because the show featured Devlin Williamson. Jayson knew everything about Devlin Williamson. He ripped out every magazine article he could find about him in the library or while waiting in line at the grocery checkout. Jayson knew Devlin’s favorite foods, his lucky number, his dog’s name, his birthday…which was only three months before Jayson’s. They were almost exactly the same age. Devlin was officially Jayson’s first crush. Or at least the first crush that he could share with the twins. He wasn’t about to admit to his newfound feelings for Trey.

Devlin Williamson played Andy Andrews on Disorder in the Court for the show’s first season and a half. He’d become sort of a pre-teen idol for a while. Jayson had no idea what Devlin was doing currently–his star faded as quickly as it arrived. But it didn’t matter to Jayson since he could still be seen on television each and every day on channel 4 from 3:00 to 3:30. Every time Devlin shrugged his shoulders, turned toward the studio audience, and impishly uttered his catchphase, ‘It wuzzzzzn’t me!’ Jayson’s heart melted a little.

Jayson and the twins finished watching Disorder in the Court before the twins picked up and began reading through their Dallasty! scripts.

‘Another kissing scene?’ Trey asked after he’d turned the last page.

‘Yes, of course.’ Jayson tried to brush off Trey’s concerns. ‘It’s the season finale. The audience will expect it to be action-packed and extra steamy.’

‘What the fuck? I die?!’ Tara interrupted as she reached the final page.

‘As an actress,’ Jayson explained, ‘having your character killed off at the height of a show’s popularity can be an amazing boon for your career. It frees up your contract, and most likely another network will build an all-new series around you.’

‘I don’t know if I feel up to it today,’ Trey said, crossing his arms behind his head and sinking further into the beanbag. Jayson noticed that Trey’s biceps seemed to be growing larger by the day. Jayson also noticed that he was noticing things like Trey’s biceps more and more.

‘Okay. No problem. We can do it after Toni gets back in town.’

‘Your mother’s going away?’ Tara perked up. ‘Where?’ This was what Jayson liked best about Tara. She was remarkably lazy–until an opportunity for delinquency presented itself. What was doubly beautiful about her nefariousness was that she was so genetically innocent looking. Long straight blonde hair, a gangly athletic build, and angelic pristine blue eyes. Both of the twins exhibited a sort of prized Wisconsin Aryanness that excused them from blame for almost any caper. They looked like protagonists from a Disney movie, but behaved like After School Specials.

‘She’s heading to Chicago for the weekend. For some artsy thing,’ Jayson continued nonchalantly. ‘But don’t say anything to your mother. I don’t want to get into trouble.’

‘MOOOOOMMMMM!’ Tara turned her head and yelled up the stairs.

‘Shut up!’ Jayson mouthed.

‘Yes, hon?’ Terri yelled from the kitchen.

‘Jayson wants us to teach him how to pray over at his place tonight. ’Kay?’

It was pathetically easy for the twins to deceive their mother. Terri’s God might be omnipotent, but He created Terri practically non-ipotent.

Terri’s head appeared at the top of the basement door, smiling widely.

‘Well it’s about time! May God be with you kids!’

‘And may the force be with you too, Mrs. Wernermeier,’ Jayson beamed back.

Three (#uca1649bd-2268-5ed1-925b-7befead0610f)

‘Where’s the booze?’ Tara asked, slipping through the torn screen on the sliding glass door. Jayson was just pulling out the seventh cookie sheet of Gino’s Pizza Rolls from the oven. He’d set up the kitchen island with assorted frozen appetizers, having read in Parade magazine about the lavish displays of food supplied by ‘Craft Services’ for Hollywood movie shoots. Jayson also happened to know that Gino’s were Trey’s favorite snack.

Trey picked up one of the pizza rolls that had just come out of the oven and tossed it into the air. It arced perfectly and plummeted square into his open mouth. Jayson had been practicing that trick for years with an appalling success rate. Trey seemed to master everything he tried.

‘Holy fuck!’ Trey yelped, opening his mouth–half spitting and half dribbling the steaming saucy puff out of his mouth onto the floor. ‘These things are like a million degrees!’

‘I just took them out of the oven,’ Jayson apologized, suddenly worried that Trey might have burned his lips. Trey and he had four kissing scenes to film.

‘What’s in the bag? Bibles?’ Jayson joked, nodding at the heavy case Trey had slung over his shoulder.

‘Check this out.’ Trey swung the case down onto the floor. Unzipping it, he pulled out his father’s unwieldy new beta camcorder.

‘Ohmigod!’ Jayson squealed, instantly very conscious of the fact he was squealing. ‘How’d you get that out of the house?’

‘He snuck it,’ Tara explained. Jayson had originally wanted to tape the entire series on the Wernermeiers’ new beta camcorder since it could also record sound. But Tom Wernermeier felt that the tapes were too expensive to use for ‘playing around.’

‘I can’t believe it! This is so perfect. I’m going to go change into costume. Who has the script? What am I wearing?’

‘Worst things first, JayJay,’ Tara said randomly opening the cupboards next to the pantry. ‘Where’s Toni keep the booze?’

Jayson opened the cabinet behind him.

‘Bourbon or scotch?’ he asked.

‘Mix mine together,’ Tara said.

‘Me too.’ Trey answered.

Jayson poured each of them a full, tall McDonald’s glass with no ice. Jayson took every opportunity to display to the world that he’d ‘collected all six’ McDonaldland glasses.

‘To being famous!’ Jayson raised his Hamburglar glass. Tara’s and Trey’s Grimace and Mayor McCheese glasses clinked against his.

‘And rich!’ Trey confirmed.

‘And bombed!’ Tara chimed in.

Even at such an early age, it was easy to distinguish between their goals in life. Tara would forever be satisfied with simply having a good time, no matter where she was or whom she was with. Jayson pictured her future as one long keg party like the ones the highschoolers held out by Highway 16. Trey would always be happy as long as he had whatever the latest toy was–the latest Atari game. Or a windsurfer. Jayson predicted that as Trey aged, he would start collecting bigger toys like Corvettes and stereo systems.

Jayson’s only goal, of course, was to be on TV. His first brush with fame was in kindergarten, when a traveling Frisbee troupe made up of ex-hippies came to his elementary school. During their hour-long extravaganza Jayson sat Indian-style on the gymnasium floor, enthralled by watching them use their flying discs to illustrate the safest way to cross a street and how to avoid creepy old men. This troupe of itinerant and somewhat hygienically challenged minstrels seemed to lead a far more exciting life than anyone else Jayson had ever met. Traveling around the country. Performing in front of mobs of cheering kids. For the first time Jayson felt he was a part of a ‘live studio audience’ and it awoke in him an all-encompassing yearning to be clapped at himself. After the show, Jayson was the only kid to hang behind and ask for the groups’ autographs. He stuck around after school to wave goodbye as they drove on to the next school district in their battered VW van.

Jayson, Tara, and Trey each took a long swig of the bourbon/scotch mixture. It was vaguely sweet, and mostly bitter, like sucking on a butterscotch hard candy that had a lighter fluid center. The trio had drunk Toni’s booze before, but always in furtive little sips straight from the bottle while Toni was working in her studio. Tara and Trey’s parents didn’t drink, of course.

Now the trio had an endless open bar weekend in front of them.

‘That’s good stuff,’ Tara gasped, gravel-voiced after her first swallow.

‘You sound like Helen Lawson on Match Game 76,’ Jayson giggled.

‘Let’s start shooting before it gets dark,’ Trey said, hoisting the bulky camcorder with his free hand. He’d been trying since Christmas to get his father to let him play with the camera, and now that he had it he wasn’t going to waste a minute–even if it meant kissing Jayson again.

‘As you’ve read, the Martini Shot–that means “final shot” in Hollywood terms,’ Jayson explained, ‘is a catfight between Amethyst Carrington and Christina.’ Both roles were played by Jayson, so it would be a complicated effort. Without any editing facilities, the scene was a technical nightmare–requiring multiple costume changes, extreme close-ups, and body doubles played by Tara. ‘I’ll go get the costumes.’