Licence to Fish

“Books.”

“A set of matching saucepans.”

“A gorilla.”

“A gorilla?!”

“Why not?”

“Fish.”

“A rod and a net. Ha ha—only kidding, Harry.”

Mrs Nuffink sighed. She adjusted a control on the video player and the image of the trolley froze, then zoomed in.

“There—look!”

“Oh,” said Alfie.

“Ah,” Alice exclaimed.

“It’s a surface-to-air missile,” Beth said. “Heat seeking, with dual-stage ignition and anti-wobble stabilisers.”

“I didn’t know they sold those down the supermarket,” said Jack.

“That’s because you never help with the shopping,” Alice told him.

“Well,” said Mrs Nuffink with satisfaction as she let the video play through, “isn’t that a bit of a worry?”

“Not really,” said Beth. “You can’t launch those from inside a trolley.”

The image on the screen juddered as the trolley hurtled rapidly towards the camera, trailing flames and smoke behind it.

The screen went white.

“See what I mean?” said Beth.

“I really don’t think any of you have been paying full attention today,” Mrs Nuffink said as she handed out homework sheets.

“We’re excited about the Fishing Club,” Harry explained.

“I cannot think why. Everyone knows the best way to catch fish is to lie in wait. Be patient. Watch and wait for the fish to appear.”

“And then?” Chloe asked.

“Hit it with a club.”

All the teachers seemed to have different ideas about how to catch fish. In PE, the Chaplain paused in his description of how to crawl under the automated machine guns and avoid the marauding lions to suggest gelignite.

“Gelignite?” said Beth. “But that’s a powerful explosive.”

The Chaplain nodded. “Just chuck it in the water. The shock wave from the explosion kills the fish and they float to the surface.”

“Not much skill in that is there?” said Jack.

“Kill not skill,” the Chaplain barked. “Anyway, with fish it isn’t the skill that counts. With fish it’s the scale. Now where were we? Oh yes, I was going to tell you about the hidden bear pit.” He paused for a moment before saying to Alfie, “Just help Harry out of there, will you? Before Grizzly gets him. Thank you.”

In Sabotage, the Major said he also had a good way to catch fish. But they never found out what it was, because at that moment he fell out of the window. Then through the skylight into the dining room.